FilmDrunk

This Week In Posters: Star Wars Week, And Ready Player One’s Legs Go All The Way Down

You can tell it’s awards season by the size of this week’s poster haul. It’s huge! Let’s get to it.

This week in This Week In Posters, we begin with Black Panther, Marvel Studios’ something something expanded universe blah blah blah. A lot going on here, from the futuristic city to the characters popping out… some kind of shape thingy. An abstract outline? Is some kind of minimalist panther logo? Or is it another portal? In any case, the main focus seems to be Michael B. Jordan’s incredibly cool haircut, which is all I really care about in this thing. Is that like… a Ronaldo cut with mini dreads? Man, that’s a cool haircut.

Here’s a new batch of character posters from Ava Duvernay’s adaptation of A Wrinkle in Time. I never read this book and I know nothing about it and looking at these posters must be how Game of Thrones looks to people who don’t watch Game of Thrones. Also, I worry that “a wrinkle in time” just another way to say “a portal.”

Hey look, it’s Oprah, and she’s got a rhinestone bike chain for eyebrows and some vajazzling beads on her forehead. Cool, cool.

Come on, that’s not Reese Witherspoon, quit lying.

I like that they used a diagonal lens flare on the title text instead of just tilting the entire poster sideways like everyone else. It’s important to appreciate the little things.

Here’s Alicia Vikander as Lara Croft in the Tomb Raider reboot, which must be the dumbest idea since… I don’t know, the attempt at starting an expanded universe with The Mummy? Anyway, she’s definitely much more filthy than the last Lara Croft, which makes this reboot if not dark certainly gritty. It’s also somewhat surprising considering she seems to be standing underneath one of those fancy rain shower showerheads. Tomb Raider: Lara Croft Taking A Shower would’ve made a trillion dollars in the late ’90s.

“It’s a mystery puzzle box of a film!” And a mystery puzzle box of a poster too, apparently. You guys know there is such a thing as being too secretive, right?

I like that Star Wars has kept the whole “futuristic but firmly influenced by ’70s fashion” aesthetic, even in the new versions. Though I’m not sure the lens flare glinting off the spaceship in the background was the best choice here.

This looks like an ad for Space Jeans. Also, did we need the sparks? What are those really adding here?

This never occurred to me before, but are those big black things on top the BB-8 his eyes? I kind of just assumed they were without realizing that I had. Watch where you’re going, dude.

Again with the background lens flares. Also, what’s with that pose, did Chewbacca just fart? I bet Chewbacca has really bad farts.

Doesn’t anyone ever go into isolation in a cave on a deserted island in a distant system clean shaven? Can’t a person live in a bunker without facial hair? You’re in hiding, what else is there to do? Try shaving.

This one looks like a poster for Vertigo.

I don’t mind the diagonal horizon so much in this one — I guess because it underlines the idea that she’s supposed to be off floating in space? That said, is she supposed to be training her lightsaber against a big pile of rocks? That seems… unhelpful. That seems less like useful training than one of those fat sword nerds on YouTube cutting through a watermelon with a homemade katana.

“It’s Prison Break meets Shawshank Redemption. Mixed with Oz, Locked Up, and a dash of Elvis’s ‘Jailhouse Rock’ video. This takes place in prison is what we’re saying.”

Being a weekly feature, sometimes This Week In Posters gets to things a little late, like Tye Sheridan’s already much-mocked super long left leg in Ready Player One here (which also released a new trailer). I don’t know if I blame the poster designer as much as the ladder designer for putting those steps too damned far apart. Also lost in the hubbub, the part where I just realized that the logo is, you guessed it, a giant portal.

I assume this is a movie about Trekkies? I like when the movie posters let me know what the movie is about. I’m a simple man.

Speaking of, did anyone ever actually see that Comic-Con movie the writer of Ready Player One wrote where Harry Knowles was one of the characters and stuff? I wonder if this will be like a good version of that. Oh, yes, sorry, I assumed that other one wasn’t good.

Is the marmalade industry paying Paddington 2 for all this advertising? They should.

Damn, my Spanish was nearly good enough to get through this without resorting to Google Translate. Unfortunately, “umbral” means “threshold.” As in, are you prepared to cross the threshold? It’s the tagline for No Dormirás, aka, I believe, “You Won’t Sleep.” Which frankly seems a little on the nose as a horror movie title, doesn’t it? Anyway, they’ve taken novel approach of writing a horror movie about a haunted house.

Is one of the mutants Dracula?

Yes! I love a new Maze Runner movie, because it means we get another serious-face reboot of the Mervyn’s catalog. Also, where are her damn legs?

Oh, I guess this guy gets legs. Does anyone know what’s happening here? Are these supposed to be like torn off posters? For Maze Running?

The Maze Runner‘s design aesthetic is like a reverse Coco Chanel, where you get dressed just how you think you should look and then add at least two items to dangle around your neck.

Is that supposed to say “The WCKD ZONE” on the right? What is even happening here.

This guy doesn’t even get an arm. On the plus side, he gets the coolest hair and fewest scarves.

Why do all the white kids in this have such obnoxious nostrils?

The real star of these movies is excessive hair volume.

Ooh, there’s that Thoroughbreds font again. This time it appears to be applied to actual horses, which is nice.

Gee whiz, must be a pretty good movie to get all those reviews.

It seems like Christian Bale’s 2017 acting resolution was to not shave his giant mustache. Careful, man, a few more period pieces and you’re going to turn into Garret Hedlund.

Is this even a movie? It looks like a pile of toys.

Ha ha, hedgehogs can’t drive!

I like this poster, but mostly I’m just disturbed by the degree to which this little Spanish kid looks like a young John McEnroe.

Damn it, claymation is so awesome. I wish these didn’t take 12 years to make.

Aw, does every character get his own small animal sidekick? This is going to be great. I think it’s kind of weird that they used the real Timothy Spall while everyone else is animated though.

I could’ve sworn there were already 10 movies called “Devil’s Gate.” What’s that lens flare down there? $10 says it’s a portal.

I’ll admit, that’s a scary looking zombie. That said, I’m still far more disturbed with how obsessed every dumb person in America is with zombies than zombies. I’d question it, but I’ve already read enough intellectualized explanations of zombies-as-metaphor to last 10 lifetimes. NO THANKS, EVERYONE.

Vince Mancini is on Twitter. More reviews here.

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