This Week In Posters: September 12, 2014

This Week In Posters is back! I know, I know, relax everyone, put away your boners. Okay, leave them out, whatever helps you pay attention.

First up, by alphabetical order, is this Asian poster for Annie, which I believe was directed by JJ Abrams. I guess it’s cute (as virtually anything involving Quvenzhané Spellcheck Nightmare Wallis would be), but I can’t help but notice that these two are dressed for completely different weather. He’s got a thick wool overcoat and she’s out there in a t-shirt. What gives? How the hell am I supposed to enjoy this poster when I don’t know what season it takes place in? Also, where is this magical shabby chic deck with sun drenched view of Manhattan? Must be nice, man, must be nice.

Not even that cute dog is going to distract me from how badly those names are mismatched. HOW HARD IS IT TO MATCH UP THE GODDAMNED FACES AND NAMES?! Also, everyone in the cast is apparently exactly the same height.

One thing that does impress me is the way that Cameron Diaz can be grating even in still picture form.

I have no idea what The Babadook is about, but the weird little top hat cloak guy logo is pretty boss. Also, “Babadook” is just a fun word. It sounds like something my grandmother would’ve shouted while chasing me with a rolling pin. “Veencenzo, putta downa that-a meat-a-ball, you-a babadook! We no canna have-a dinner until-a you papa come-a home. Mamma mia, he-a guana be-a so mad!”

I want to live in this future San Francisco from Big Hero 6. Could this be the first movie this year to depict the Golden Gate Bridge without blowing it up? Fingers crossed.

I don’t trust this new Disney-fied Pixar, but I’m liking pretty much everything I’ve seen out of Big Hero 6 so far. I couldn’t explain to you what it’s about, but there was clearly some thought put into it beyond, say, “a snail that goes fast,” or “cars that talk.”

The marketing strategy here spits in the face of everything famed Hollywood pundit Bill Simmons stands for. He must be so angry.

Also, this is a French poster, the title actually has an E at the end in English. Though it doesn’t bode well that I would’ve believed that they’d called it “Captiv” and not “Captive” on purpose.

Another pretty great poster from Dear White People, whose marketing has been entirely on point this far. It’s to the point that I’m kind of wary of the movie being bad because the trailers and posters have been so good.

Also, on the subject of white people wanting to touch black peoples’ hair: I completely understand how obnoxious this must be for black people (and as a curly-haired man myself, I could write a book on the mean things that people have said to me about my hair). However, we can differentiate between hurtful racism and honest curiosity, right? I move that black people elect one black person to have their hair touched by all white people on one day, that way white people will know what it feels like and never have to annoy black people about it ever again, and will henceforth never be allowed to ask. This goes for all interracial curiosities. (For instance, did you know Asians don’t have wet earwax?)

I dream of a future where the races can celebrate our peculiar little differences without annoying the hell out of each other.

The Devil’s Hand – the E is backwards! Backwards things are evil, like left-handed people! I actually like this poster, though I can’t put my finger on why. “I am sin” is strangely pleasing. Or maybe it’s just the fact that it doesn’t seem to be about a haunted house or a creepy little kid.

If you can explain what a “kidding escape fantasy” means, you’re a better person that I.

Sidenote, is Down By Law the band named after Down By Law the film? Honest question.

I like to look at this and imagine that Dakota Fanning is stuck in some horrible Groundhog Day loop where she’s forced to wear her velvet cloak from Twilight in every role for the rest of her life.

I don’t know what effect they’re using on the faces in this, but it’s CREEPING ME THE HELL OUT. This poster makes me subtly uneasy, and thus only hardens my boner for this movie. It’s impressive that they could make a poster with two people with mostly neutral expressions on their faces this unsettling.

I like to imagine a “mockingjay” is a euphemism for a tantalizingly short blowjob that ends in unfulfillment.

Yo, John Wick, I don’t want to tell you how to name yourself, but I’m pretty sure that’s a fuse.

“A cult date movie waiting to happen” is actually sort of perfect. It felt like a movie that never quite happened.

So No No is a documentary about Doc Ellis’s infamous no hitter he supposedly threw while on LSD. All of that is communicated subtly but clearly in the poster, which is pretty cool to look at too. And I think those curlers were the model for Bradley Cooper in American Hustle.

Ooh, stunning gossip, I can’t wait. This looks like the ultimate boring middlebrow festival movie, doesn’t it? I keep forgetting that it’s directed by Shawn Levy. I love the idea of the director of Real Steel doing an adaptation of acclaimed contemporary New York literature, by the way. I can’t wait for Brett Ratner’s The Corrections.

OH SNAP THE TREES ARE THE MASK, SON! Anyway, my big takeaway from this is that it’s a movie about a guy who stabs people. That’s where my money is.

I love pun quotes. Every quote on this poster should be a snow pun. “An avalanche of heart,” says Jack Frost of the Snowbird Times. “A flurry of wit, and drifts of emotion you’ll have to plow your way out of! Pin a carrot on its nose and an Oscar on its trophy shelf!”

All I can see is the word “kaboom” and the guy’s face down there. I love his haircut. I like to imagine that the guy on the bottom is Wolverine’s shiftless, rich kid son, Chad Wolverine, who just sits out by the f*cking pool all day eating cocktail olives off his claws. God dammit, Chad! You think this is why I paid all that money to have your bones coated in adamantium? So you could sit on your ass all day?

[posters via IMPA]