This Week in Posters: Straw Dogs and Skarsgårds

THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: Abduction, Straw Dogs, Ghost Rider 2 and some stuff you’ve probably never heard of. UNTIL NOW! Get excited.
Abduction. Look out, a llama escaped from the zoo and someone gave it a leather jacket! Oh, T-Lauts. I think the fight of his life will be the fight to get his face to express an emotion other than “HURRR.”

Thai poster for Colombiana. She’s a hot chick, and she’s got a gun! I’m going to take my flask to this screening and take a big swig every time she kills a dude who outweighs her by 150 pounds with her bare hands. On the plus side, she’s not as diagonal as we’ve come to expect from these posters.
This is the poster of the week for sure. “Nature teaches beasts to know their friends.” Look at them! They’re practically smelling each other’s butts in the park (a sense complimented by the fact that there’s an ‘ANUS’ in giant red letters right next to them)! AND Brian Cox is in it? I’m there. But I’m telling you right now, I expect growling.
Here’s the Polish poster for Don’t be Afraid of the Dark. I didn’t know anything about, nor have any interest in seeing this film before now, but this abstract work of grey whatever this is has totally changed my mind. Well done.
With Neveldine and Taylor directing Nic Cage, this could be the most batsh*t movie of all time. But screw telling people about that, let’s suggest a Twitter-trending topic.  “hey, did u guys hear #ghostrider isn’t coming out for a year? smh.”
A movie about a guy making silly faces gets a poster of a guy making a silly face. Can’t argue with that, really.
(Korean poster for Killer Elite)
Oi, which one uv you conts fought Da Stafe needed sunglahsses n’ stubbew to look tough? Oy’s not exactly stahrin in CSI Mi focken ami, now is oy, Tommy.
I’m guessing this is a sobering documentary about water rights, but I’m distracted by how much the top part of the hour glass looks like a uterus.
Well would you look at that, it’s the poster for “The Man Nobody Knew: In Search of CIA Spymaster William Colby.” I just wish I knew what it was about. Jeez, give me a hint at least.
Damn, this is so shopped, I think Jeremy Irons looked more like Jeremy Irons actually looks when he was Scar in the Lion King. (And if you look at their facial expressions, I think it’s pretty clear he’s grabbing Demi’s ass back there).
“Der Grosse Crash” is a way better title than “Margin Call,” by the way.
I remember when putting your thumbs in your pockets like that was the COOLEST. Of course I never looked as good doing it as Alexander Skarsgård. He’s such a dreambøåt.
This is the most formal Under Armour ad I’ve ever seen. Nice pants, did you shoot a couch?
Your TAGLINE says “don’t let them in,” but your clothes are totally asking for it. Sidenote: It’s weird that the 70s had so many creepy rape movies, and even weirder that people keep remaking them.
You know “don’t let them in” is some kind of reverse psychology when Skarsgård’s on the poster. Pretty much any girl would let that guy in, if you catch my drift.
Cool poster, but again, THAT’S NOT GARY OLDMAN. Though I will say Benedict Cucumbersnatch looks pretty much exactly how I’d expect someone named Benedict Cumberbatch to look. Which is to say, like Tilda Swinton with emo bangs.
Toast, based on a memoir by a guy named “Nigel”, which seems to be about a young boy in a sweater vest cooking a casserole. This looks like a fake movie English people would watch in a comedy making fun of English people.

Based on the bittersweet story of food writer Nigel Slater’s childhood, and set to the songs of Dusty Springfield, TOAST is a delicious love letter to the tastes and smells that a young boy associates with his journey into adulthood.

Don’t tell my football buddies, but I’d totally watch that. By the way, Freddie Highmore used to be that little kid in Finding Neverland. He was really good. Still Marc Forster‘s best movie.

Whoa, is Benedict Cumberbatch in this?
I wish this was a rom-com, that way the Social D song would be guaranteed to be in the trailer. “Mummy’s little monster dropped outta school, mummy’s little monster broke all the rules…”
If an actual mummy attacked England, how long would it be before people realized? One day they’ll regret their old world spellings, mark my words.
Not every monster lives in the wild. Some of them BE SHOPPIN! LOOK OUT, SHE’S BLEEDING FROM THE VAGINA! Anyway, here’s the synopsis:

When a successful country lawyer captures and attempts to “civilize” the last remaining member of a violent clan that has roamed the Northeast coast for decades, he puts the lives of his family in jeopardy.

Well that sounds interesting. It also sparked something of a big to-do when it played at Sundance. Not that I would’ve known that from the poster, which mostly tells us that the word ‘Woman’ begins with a W.
[all posters via IMPA]