FilmDrunk

This Week In Posters: Demonic Clowns, Young Popes, War-Like Apes, And John Cena

This week in This Week In Posters, definitive proof I organize alphabetically and with no regard for SEO, we begin with Amazon Adventure. I haven’t heard of this movie, and it looks more like a nature show on basic cable hosted by a historical reenactor from pirate times. IMDb check tells me it is in fact a movie, starring Robert Daw as Charles Darwin. Why didn’t they just put that on the poster? “Starring Robert Daw as Charles Darwin.” You’d have to beat people out of that theater with a stick with a tagline like that. This looks like box art for a videogame I definitely would’ve bought in the ’90s.

Whoa whoa whoa, The Conjuring has “a universe” now? Don’t all horror movies essentially live in the same universe to begin with? The universe of creepy little kids and haunted houses? The CK/HHEU?

Anyway, I like to complain about pointlessly diagonal horizon lines in this column, and this has a strong diagonal, but they didn’t cheat so it’s fine. It’s also nice that with all these haunted house and creepy little kid movies someone finally thought outside the box and made another possessed doll movie. Which is almost kind of like a creepy little kid movie but not quite. Basically all horror movies boil down to the terror of old people, kids, or things owned by old people or kids.

“Os?” I’m happy to meet him, but how do I pronounce that? Also is Os the really tall one? This looks a movie a character in a Wes Anderson movie would make.

This poster looks cool enough, but do you have any idea what it’s about? It looks like a mash-up of 10 different kids adventure movies. The bike from E.T., a little Last Starfighter/Radio Flyer/Midnight Special, then maybe some Peter Pan and Secret Garden?

This Summer… Magical Realism and 80s Fashion! The hottest new hit from Netflix and J.J. Spielberg.

“Not everything can be forgiven.”

Like growing a ponytail to hide your bald spot, am I right?? Jk, jk. Anyway, what do you think is haunted in this, the house or the little kid? Also, is “a dark song” the world’s most vague horror movie title? “Our horror movie is just like a color associated with horror movies and also a medium that’s not a movie.”

This poster for Ferdinand isn’t telling us much beyond that it’s a story about a bull who is named after one of the most famous rulers of Spain. Hey, bullfighting comes from Spain! You know, I bet there’s a connection there. This is just a teaser poster, but already there’s more of a concept than Boss Baby. Also, animated movies about animals are way better than animated movies about kids.

I’m not sure if the guns are supposed to mimic something graphically here, but I like that there are a lot of them. How long has “guns and ’70s clothes” been sure-fire movie formula, anyway? At least since Pulp Fiction. Probably since the ’70s. Except in the ’70s they were just called “movies.”

There are a lot of new character posters for Free Fire, and I’m not going to post every single one, but really there should just be like five, all of Sharlto Copley. Really, what else do you need to know?

It’s weird when movies try to make Armie Hammer look mean and tough. Nothing against the guy, but he’ll always be a Winklevoss to me. Maybe because his name is “Armie Hammer.”

What are the colored blocks they’re hiding behind, anyway? You think this will be like the spines of old Playboys where if you stack enough of them up you see another naked lady? That would be cool.

So is it a hard C or a soft C in “Cillian?” Have we ever gotten a ruling on this? Maybe it’s the Italian C, pronounced like “Chillian”. That would be a really chill name. “Yes, these are my sons, Chillian and Chilliam, and their sister Chillary.”

I’m not sure I know this Jack Reynor. IMDb tells me he played Shane Dyson in Transformers: Age Of Extinction. I didn’t see that one, but I do know that Jack Reynor is Spanish for Jack King-nor. Something to consider.

Sometimes the foreign language posters are cool because then you have to try to figure out what “007” means up there in the left corner. Anyway, this franchise has done wonders for Dave Bautista.

And here we have the franchise’s newest character, Caterpillar Girl or whatever. Man, I love this weird-ass franchise.

I think this poster for IT is this week’s best. I didn’t even remember the “You’ll float too” scene, but that’s one of those lines that’s sort of nonsensical sounding but also make just enough sense to be scary as hell coming from a demonic clown.

I like the visual design of this poster for Keepers, but once again I don’t really know what it’s about. There’s a ship and a tagline about a lighthouse… maybe some pirates crash into an island? That’s probably too much to hope for. Anyway, this would’ve made a great poster for The Light Between Oceans.

I kept seeing trailers for this during basketball over the weekend, and between all the medieval action set to arena rock music and the Jude Law sneering, it looked like A Knight’s Tale meets the Young Pope. Which… I don’t know. Both of those things have their merits. They’re two great tastes that go great separately, but also maybe this is kind of a caviar and marshmallow fluff situation?

Is that a bullwhip? Wait, bullwhips are leather. That’s… a rope and a vibrator? Honestly I’m not sure. if a poster is going to consist entirely of two props maybe don’t confuse me on one of the props.

Whoa, almost two Charlie Hunnam posters in a row? Hollywood better be careful or else they’re going to John Carter this guy. I wasn’t into Sons of Anarchy so all I really know about him is that he has a confusing accent. It feels like every few years Hollywood tries to turn a good-looking guy into a charismatic guy. Meanwhile, if the example of Chris Pratt teaches us anything, it’s that it’s easier to turn a charismatic guy into a good-looking guy than vice versa. Then again, it worked with Channing Tatum so who knows?

Everyone knows you guys have already seen like ten mummy movies. What our mummy movie presupposes is… what if she had four pupils?

They’re really selling the sizzle on this one, nice work.

Here’s another diagonal poster I’m giving a pass this week because they didn’t just take a regular picture and turn it sideways a little. I also enjoy that it seems to say “Actors? Yeah, they’re there, sort of. A title? Kind of. Who cares?! We’ve got cars!”

My God, it’s full of cars…

“What’s the title of the movie? Queen of the Desert? Okay, and who’s playing the queen? Nicole Kidman, got it. Okay, here you go, it’s got the queen and it’s got the desert. Can I take my lunch break now?”

This Summmer… Gina Carano’s side boob stars in… COFFIN KILLER. How many coffins will she kill? 18 and counting.

John Cena starring in a movie called “The Wall” seems laser targeted to the Trump voter. That being said, I have no idea what that tagline means. “It’s not war, it’s a game.”

Huh, because the poster sure makes it look like war. Maybe it’s “this is not a pipe” style surrealism. Also, are we just going to pretend Edge of Tomorrow was always called Live Die Repeat? Is this the first retroactive title change?

I liked the first Planet of the Apes (that is, the first movie of the most recent third remake of Planet of the Apes — these things are hard to keep track of) because it was so silly. Now the newest one shows up looking like the ape is Braveheart. Come on, man. This franchise isn’t about powerful slogans, it’s about monkeys holding guns.

Here’s a Spanish poster for The Zookeeper’s Wife, which is apparently called “The House of Hope” en Español. I just don’t know what they’re trying to say with this symbolism. Like at least tell me what the conflict is, you know? No need to play it so coy.

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