FilmDrunk

This Week In Movie Posters: ‘Arrival’ Is Everywhere, And The Return Of Steven Seagal

This week in This Week In Movie Posters, we open with As I Open My Eyes, from Kino Lorber. Indiewire promises that it’s going to be the “best fictional film about the Arab Spring yet.” Putting it ahead of such notable as… Uhhh… and Hmmmm… Doesn’t seem like there’s a lot of competition in that category. Nonetheless, this Baya Medhaffar seems like a delight.

And here we have the first of a huge new batch of posters for Arrival, Denis Villenueve’s new alien movie starring Amy Adams. They all feature this giant steak fry-looking thingy, which I gather is the aliens’ ship?

It’s very smooth. This is sort of how I imagine a caveman dildo. Just a vaguely dick-shaped river rock. You take it out of the stream, do your thing with it, put it right back where you found it for the next time. That’s a self-cleaning caveman dildo right there.

Are those the favelas? I wonder what their methodology for where to picture the alien ship was.

And here it is above a city that’s too small for me to recognize. Am I supposed to recognize it? Also, this just occurred to me: what if it’s not a ship at all, but a portal? Oh God, what if Denis Villeneuve made an alien movie that was ALL PORTALS? I wasn’t afraid before, but now I am. The best part of Suicide Squad was they put a big portal in there that they didn’t bother explaining at all, and it felt sort of like a big f*ck you to the audience. I appreciate being told to f*ck off because I am bad.

Now it looks sort of tongue-like. The Rolling Stones could probably parody this with their logo for their next tour. Anyway, there are like 10 more of these Arrival posters, but I’m not going to include them all, because I think we all get the idea by now. Maybe there’s some kind of code where they combine to give us a secret message. But if so, hey, find someone else to figure it out. That’s where viral marketing always fails for me, the “interactive” part. Interactive? No thanks, man, I’m gonna keep sitting here on my ass while you tell me what to buy. If I’m making my own decisions and legwork, what do I need you for?

That’s a very subtle gun Idris Elba is holding here. And oh hey look, is that Robb Stark? Fun. My only question is whether this is a spiritual sequel to White House Down/London Has Fallen or the bleak finale to Garry Marshall’s New Year’s Eve/Valentine’s Day/Mother’s Day holiday series.

Good thing they put the Eiffel Tower in the background there, otherwise we Americans would never know it was set in Paris.

“Bas-tilly day? What the heck’s that?”

“Shucks, I dunno. Probably some kinda pasta, I reckon.”

Wow. Oh boy. What a poster this is. Ashlee Simpson and Alicia Silverstone? No wonder they had so much money left over to blow on Hollywood’s most sought-after poster designer to create this surely-had-to-have-been-expensive masterpiece. You think this is a sequel to Space Chimps?

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