FilmDrunk

This Week In Posters: More Prongs Than Aquaman’s Trident

Strap in, folks, this week in This Week in Posters, we have a bigger crop of new posters than I think I’ve ever seen in one week. If you need extra help tuning out the real world, I’ve got your time waster!

In any case, we begin this week with yet another awesome poster for Alien: Covenant, which is really upping its poster game to make up for its half-assed generic title (videogame sequel ass title). I’m getting a “Dante’s Inferno with H.R. Giger aliens” vibe from this one. Pretty excellent. If you thought their only speed was minimalism, think again.

[all posters via IMPA]

Here we have Baywatch trying hard to recreate the “saving the world takes a little Hart and a big Johnson” poster for Central Intelligence. Which is pretty insane, because when a franchise that was popularized by Nicole Eggert, Erika Eleniak, Pamela Anderson, Yasmine Bleeth, Gena Lee Nolin, Carmen Electra, and now Alexandra Daddario invokes “a pair” you don’t expect them to mean testicles. I remembered all those actresses by heart, by the way. That’s what being an adolescent boy before the internet does to a person.

Hola. I am Antonio Banderas y joe soy el boterfly. Prepare to die.

Get it? There’s a Rorshach butterfly because the movie is called butterfly. Anyway, it’s an okay poster, I guess. I’m getting cop/serial killer thriller from this, which I’m going to assume is true without looking up.

Here we have the Spanish poster for Captain Underpants, which is the first I’ve ever realized that “chones” is just a slang term and that “calzones” or “calzoncillos” is the official one.

Which makes me wonder about the origin of “calzone,” the edible kind. Supposedly it’s a different origin than the Spanish underwear word, I’m not sure I believe that. I wouldn’t put it past some Italian chef to be like “Mamma mia, I made-em uppa for you a dough a-underpants! I fill em uppa you dough a-underpants with-a sausage anna meat-a-ball, mangia, mangia. Guiseppe toss em uppa nice a-pair a-underpants a-for you. You-a new a-underpants I fill em uppa with-a alla the sauce.”

That death preparing to harvest a heart logo is pretty cool, I’m not sure this one needed all the other stuff. Also I’m 90% sure “Ginger Gonzaga” is a fake name Brian Grubb came up with.

Can’t have a street race without a faceless pair of sexy legs, I always say. They’re really classing up the joint not shooting this shot from underneath the girl’s crotch this time.

I always enjoy the pretense that this franchise is still about street racing.

Oh yeah, that’s the good stuff. Gotta run from a nuclear submarine? Obviously the solution is driving a muscle car on the ice. God I love this franchise.

I get that this is supposed to represent Dom Toretto being on the outs with everyone in this story (art imitating life!), but what the hell is The Rock looking at? Fix that eyeline, bro.

Here’s a Fate of the Furious poster that features no actors, only cars. I honestly don’t think it loses much. They had to use CGI trickery to get Paul Walker in the last one, but this makes me wonder… What if they just wrote it so that Brian O’Conner had been reincarnated as one of the cars? Fast/Furious: Rein-Car-Nation.

Here’s another pretty cool Free Fire poster, this one invoking the name of Martin Scorsese. It sort of hurts my brain that the faces don’t correspond to the hands. Maybe that was intentional? I ended up looking at it five times as long trying to make the hands and faces fit. Who carries which gun? I need to know!

This Ghost in the Shell poster looks like cyborg Tarzan, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

This is also why we curly-haired men never get to look cool. I blame Hollywood for giving us negative hair image.

The effect on this poster is pretty cool, I just wish the facial expression didn’t look she was in the middle of farting so stinkily that her eyes are crossing. Unnnnnghhhhh.

Man, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is really good at posters, right? I love the old fashioned Mount Rushmore design + supernova + glowing black light tattoos. The fact that Baby Groot is Lloyd Doblering the whole thing is just the icing on the sundae.

Here’s the first of a big series of character posters from Guardians 2. I’m not sure about the faux marble border design thingy, but Chris Pratt’s hair/sideburns look great. He looks like if Three Musketeers was set in the 1970s. What if he was a ’70s musketeer?… In space!

I like that she has a ring on every finger except the marriage one. She’s much too badass for wedding rings.

Marvel is so much better when they get ridiculous. The serious ones (like Civil War) are so boring. Probably the best thing they ever did was cast Bradley Cooper as a talking raccoon and then let him do an unrecognizable accent the entire time.

Oh and here’s a baby tree wearing a shirt.

“Ego?” His name is Ego? In any case, no one is better at growing facial hair than Kurt Russell. Finest damned facial hair grower in America, you ask me.

 

Is it weird that they got the world’s whitest actress to play a character named “Ayesha?”

Haha, girls fight with their butts.

I don’t know what that says, but Chris Pratt sure looks cool.

Is that… a quindent? I would not be at all surprised if Zack Snyder took the Gillette Mach 5 approach to Aquaman weaponry.

I still love the idea of Ben Affleck as a ‘roid raging old Batman, even if BvS wasn’t very good. I’m surprised Snyder didn’t give him four bat horns.

Ezra Miller is going to be the most creep-sexy Flash ever.

I suppose you have to give DC a little credit for not posing Wonder Woman halfway turned around with her butt sticking out. Even though I would’ve liked that. Does that mean I’m the patriarchy? Ugh.

Cool Cyborg, but does he have rocket hands? If he has rocket hands you have to tell me, it’s the law.

Is that different quindent? Damn, Aquaman, how many of those you got? Tridents are the pitchforks of the sea.

A24 just dropped this poster for A Ghost Story, which has some pretty cool imagery. Not that that’s especially hard when the movie itself is 95% cool imagery. Dammit, there are so many jokes I want to make here but can’t without spoiling the movie. Suffice it to say, I hope the next one is a picture of Rooney Mara eating pie.

Of course the Justice League logo poster is needlessly diagonal. Actually for a movie that included a gritty cover song in its trailer, I’m surprised all the posters aren’t pointlessly diagonal.

Quotes, acclaim, okay fine, but why the paint brush theme? There’s paint on the sky? Also, does “from the producers of…” actually convince anyone? That could mean anything. “From the guy who put up money for Goodfellas and the forklift driver of Titanic…”

Once again I’m glad they put “the true story of Canadian folk artist…” at the top, because everything else about the poster screams “inspirational story of mentally-challenged lady.”

I’m pretty sure that’s how Wes Anderson would dress if he became a woman.

Can’t have a Pirates of the Caribbean movie where Jack Sparrow doesn’t fight a f*cking ghost in it, I always say. God I hate these movies.

This new batch of character posters for the latest Smurfs movie is in a language I can’t read, but luckily the language of “this movie will be good on drugs” is universal.

Didn’t I tell you that this will be good stoned? Smurfette is riding a giant phosphorescent rabbit.

Oh and here’s Simon or whatever examining an eyeball plant.

Oh, and here’s a giant kissing plant attacking another smurf non-consensually. I take it back, this might be a bad trip.

Oh Christ. Seriously, Spider-man? I don’t know what’s worse, the skyscrapers-as-boners motif (zero chance that is coincidental) or the pointlessly diagonal horizon line. This diagonal is even more pointless than most.

And look, they didn’t need it at all! Doesn’t this non-diagonal one have so much more depth and scale?

Oh my gosh, a fictional character is invading New York? I don’t know that I’ve ever seen that before. This concept is almost as fresh as making a Spider-Man movie.

San Francisco, a car with its window smashed — yep, that checks out. He must’ve left a t-shirt in there overnight or something. Amateur.

I like this poster for Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, even if it kind of looks like a commercial for a barbecue chain. I almost typed “Three Posters Outside Ebbing, Missouri.”

ASDAS

“To fight the terror, she must fight the conspiracy.”

Which she can only do… in silence! Pew pew!

Ooh, from the producer of Salt? Sheesh, stop giving me the hard sell. I expect lots of believable-looking running.

The lens flare is coming from inside the text! That’s how damned legendary Luc Besson is.

Is that… a music box? I feel dumb for not knowing what this object is. In any case, it doesn’t seem to be about a creepy little kid or a haunted house, which automatically puts it ahead of 99% of horror movies.

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