FilmDrunk

This Week In Movie Posters: ‘Dunkirk,’ Affleck, ‘The F8 Of The Furious,’ And More

This week in This Week in Posters, we begin with Christopher Nolan’s much anticipated WWII epic, Dunkirk. Just the other day, Frotcast Bret and I were talking about what a modern classic Interstellar would be with just a little editing. As Bret put it, “he shot the truck leaving his kids behind like the on-rocket footage.”

And now we have this poster, which makes the shores of Dunkirk (I mean, I assume) during the Dunkirk Evacuation look like giant wave planet. So yes, I am all for this one. I’m not sure we needed the stainless steel title font though. “Oh, you’re saying this war movie will have metal? Good to know.”

For a movie that involves so many Nazis getting shot in the brain, they sure did make the poster look dull. “Ooh, this one has Brad Pitt’s shoulder? And he’s Canadian? This ticks all my boxes!”

At least they lined up the faces with the names.

Nice pull quote. “Its relevance is undeniable and enlightening.”

Phew, for a minute there, I was worried that its relevance would only be relevant. But now that I know that its relevance will be undeniable and enlightening, how can I resist? I don’t even know what about the relevance will be enlightened, but I would never deny this need to find out.

Oh boy, a panda movie. What do pandas even do, anyway? Is this just going to be two hours of John Krasinski going “Okay, and he’s going over there now. Well, okay, now he’s eating some bamboo. Aaand, now it looks like he could be trying to woo a potential mate– oops, check that, it seems he’s fallen asleep.”

Yeah, f*ck you, pandas. Nature’s pointless, overfed slobs, I always say.

This is actually a Chinese poster for Dreamworks’ latest, Boss Baby. This is such a stereotypical Dreamworks poster and stereotypical Dreamworks premise and stereotypical Dreamworks face that it almost feels like they’re doing it as a joke at this point. Is this going to be some kind of self-aware joke, like with Lord and Miller directing, or are they really just that predictable? “No, no, it’s supposed to be lame, because we want you to know we know how lame you think we are.”

Oh hell yeah, I better rush out and see this movie about four women staring boredly before I make my best of 2016 list. If I wanted to see strange women stare boredly I’d chat some up at the bar, am I right, fellas?

I have no idea what this is about, but I bet the designer must’ve been happy about the Westworld maze episode. Or is it supposed to be a fingerprint? There are so many things here for one to ponder if one were so inclined.

Ooh, is this some kind of Shooter McGavin Vs. The Subprime Crisis kind of a thing? I get the downward arrows down there (because stocks are down, get it?) but are they also supposed to spell something? It almost looks like two big Ms next to each other. I’d like to think that’s code for “Matthew McConaughey,” and that MM’s coked up stock guy from The Wolf of Wall Street is going to roll in and save everything. But probably not.

Also, maybe don’t try to squeeze every character’s face on one poster, especially when one of them is Ed Westwick.

If you want to publicize all your glowing reviews, does it not hurt your case somewhat when you make the font for the outlets giving those reviews so small that they can’t be read by electron microscope? I mean this got plenty of four star reviews from real critics (I gave it a B, for the record), maybe don’t make it look like you pulled reviews from random twitter users.

“A+ work, four stars!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-Bill Cosby

OH NO THE BALD TANK TOP MEN ARE FIGHTING AGAIN!

I can only assume they called it The Fate Of The Furious and not “The F8 Of The Furious” because they were hoping the fans would do it on our own. I mean, even the hash tag is #F8. Is it better that way for some reason? What an intriguing franchise.

“Every fairy tale has dark side,” according to the Fifty Shades of Grey sequel. Or as I like to think of it, “every teen abstinence parable has an even more successful fan-fiction spinoff about light bondage and tampon sex.”

Because Fifty Shades of Grey began as Twilight fan fiction, you see. I’m going to keep reminding people of that until the rising sea levels drown out my voice. “HER PEN NAME WAS SNOWQUEEN’S ICEDRAGON– *glug glug glug*)”

No more rules? Does this mean they’ll show the dongs going in this time?

No more secrets! Oh good, it was leaving so much to the imagination before. I’m just glad they took pains to do the shitty diagonal thing in all of these posters.

Neighbors, Daddy’s Home, Office Christmas Party… even in light of recent studio comedies, it still feels like Fist Fight is taking the “premise that should cover less than five minutes of screen time” thing to a whole new level. I mean a fist fight, what’s that last, like 30 seconds? Even with some major hyping up this movie should be no more than five minutes long. “Kevin James, Kevin Hart, and Kevin McHale star in… Bathroom Break. Shit is about to get real!”

Maybe it’s just the weird perspective, but it looks like that kid has an enormous head. Maybe that’s why she (he?)’s gifted? Like the kid is Krang and Captain America is the robot it rides around in? The more I think about it the better this sounds.

It looks like Matt Damon is trying to shoot a dirt tidal wave with a bow and arrow while bombs explode in mid air. Seems a little mundane if you ask me. Like don’t be afraid to make some stuff up.

Ooh, we haven’t had a good close-eyed headbutt in a while, this one must have some yearning. Also, is everything in this poster made of denim? “Don’t go up there, Tommy.”

“Don’t worry, Jane, I brought my dungarees.”

“Genius has no race.”

Ah yes, I think I see what you did there. These new posters for Hidden Figures have what I think of as an “arguing with idiots” problem. Like I’m sure there are plenty of idiots out there who think black women can’t do math, but when you put something on a poster that’s basically saying “Deal with it, black women can do math!” any reasonable person would walk by and think “Well, yeah, duh.”

Jews are people! Rape is bad! America is a country! At long last, the film that tells it like it is.

I understand feeling like you have to shout the obvious, because that’s half my job, but maybe try to nuance it a little?

No limit? I get the “genius has no race” reference, but this one just sounds like a rejected Adidas slogan.

And we’re back. “Strength has no gender!” “Genius has no race!” I bet they knocked those two out real fast and then had to think up a third, and everyone just sort of stared at each other for a while. “Courage… has no… uh… limit?”

“Hmm, anyone got anything better than that? …Anyone? Okay, fine, courage has no limit. What does everyone want for lunch?”

Is this about… a teacher? I’m having a hard time getting past the “fearsomely tender” pull quote. Do these people even bother trying to make their adverbs match their adjectives anymore? I’m just imagining a giant jacked Macho Man type screaming “COME CUDDLE ME MOTHERF*CKER! GAAAAH EVERYTHING’S GONNA BE FIIIINE! (*punches hole in wall*)”

I loved this movie, and I don’t know what the hell is going on with Ryan Gosling’s face in this poster. He looks like he’s wearing a giant Steve Buscemi head made of rubber.

I’m just imagining Amanda Seyfried beatboxing while Shirley MacLaine prepares to drop a sick rhyme.

Last week I complained about LEGO Batman falling into the lame diagonal poster trend and someone in the comments told me they were doing it as parody. I have no way of knowing that, but it is probably one of the least important things I’ve ever pondered, which is really saying something.

“My my my, how the fackin’ tables have tuhned, eh Shehlawck? Take a fackin’ seat on the credenzer and let’s have owahselves a little fackin chat about who likes which apples.”

Jennifer Aniston can’t take all this partying! It’s going to ruin her important business meeting with the Japanese! She’s going to shut us down! “It’s my job to minimize risk!” she screams, over and over while TJ Miller has sex with a moose.

Let me get this straight, in the history of the world, the greatest ever manhunt was for the two idiots in Boston who exploded a pressure cooker?

If that’s the world’s greatest manhunt… well, your boy JC would like a word.

Oh sweet! The Power Rangers movie is going to have giant robots! That’s great, I feel like I hardly ever see a giant robot movie anymore.

Is Robot Jox undercover the most influential movie of our times?

“What are you hungry for?”

Hungry? Who’s hungry? I see a girl who’s bleeding from the nose. I bet she isn’t even hungry at all. Forget food, I just want to see her explode people with her mind like The Fury.

Is it just me, or does it look like they tried to squeeze all the graphics into the shape of a lower back tat? Makes sense, actually.

This is a cool image for Martin Scorsese’s Silence, which lends even more credence to my theory that someone saw this and decided it needed more of Liam Neeson’s face and that’s how last week’s Silence poster came about.

The censors said they couldn’t have the two actors’ genitals lining up, so Rosamund Pike had to slide down to about mid back.

WAR! Finally, the apes are going to fight! Wait a second, wasn’t that what the last one was about? You already did the “monkey on a horse with a gun” thing (which is crazy to say), what else ya got?

This Triple X is so XXXtreme, the whole poster tilted sideways because a regular horizon line couldn’t handle the extreme extremosity. Also, I want to know why Toni Collette didn’t make the poster. Not XXXtreme enough for you? She’s been nominated for a BAFTA, Oscar, Emmy, and a Golden Globe (that latter two of which she won). That’s pretty extreme to me.

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