This Week In Posters: ‘Guardians Of The Galaxy 2’ Is Winning

I’m about to head away on vacation, but I couldn’t leave without at least getting through the week’s posters. Not when Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Alien: Covenant, and The Fate of the Furious are all dropping new fire. Thus we begin this week’s This Week In Posters with another minimalist poster for Alien: Covenant. Same theme as the first one, and not quite as effective, but still strong. This one seems to depict an alien pod, which looks suspiciously like a papaya. And if I know papayas, there are going to be a whole lot of alien eggs in there. I’d suggest cutting the pod in half, scooping the eggs out with a spoon, then filling the hole with some cottage cheese. Now you’ve got yourself a nice healthy afternoon snack that won’t weigh you down. You’ll need to be in top shape for when the aliens hatch.

I hope they print this poster on a big slab of butcher paper and then Tupac bursts through it at the premiere, revealing that he was alive all along. Also, is there anything about Tupac’s story that’s untold at this point? And was he the last male celebrity to rock a nose stud? Discuss.

Here’s the first of a series of object posters for The Belko Experiment, which seems to be about people bludgeoning each other with office tools. Of course, the mug instantly makes me think of The Big Lebowski. Belko draws a lot of water around here. You don’t draw shit, Lebowski! Now your lousy, gold-brickin’ ass out of my experiment!

Aw, the old pencil trick. That’s what killed Heath Ledger.

First of all, who still has a cord phone? Second, if you were going to bludgeon someone with one, why would you hit them with the lighter part? Christ, man, who made this poster? It’s like you’ve never seen a man beaten before.

Ack, not the tape! Who beats someone with the tape? I like to imagine some guy half conscious on the floor with his eyes taped slanty and his nose pulled back like a pig’s.

These double entendre posters for CHIPS would be pretty great if I hadn’t already seen the ones for Central Intelligence. I mean this is decent, but it’s pretty hard to beat “Saving the world takes a little Hart and a big Johnson.”

I’d love to see an English version of this where stopping a lorry takes a little Poots and a throbbing Cumberbatch.

Finally, a poster for Colossal that actually makes me want to see it. The last one had a monster finger puppet and a nonsensical tagline. There’s a giant weird Gumby guy in this? Why didn’t you just tell us that to begin with?

I wonder why Chloe Sevigny didn’t make the poster. I was scrolling down, thinking everyone looks like they’re just hearing a terrible secret, and then I got to Steve Coogan and started wondering if he was about to break into a Michael Caine impression. I’ll never be able to see Steve Coogan at a table again without imagining him doing some impressions. I bet he has a sweet Richard Gere.

I dig the negative space on this F8 of the Furious poster, but if we’re already doing silhouettes, do we really need the gang superimposed over a cityscape and Vin Diesel standing in some kind of phosphorescent rain storm? Also, is the Rock wearing a leather vest? Sick, man. I hope that thing has brass buttons shinier than the sun.

I’ll be honest, I saw the last Fast Furious, with Dom jumping from skyscraper to skyscraper in a car and Corona getting product placement in Paul Walker’s eulogy, and figured there was no way they were going to top it. And now we’ve got an armada of fancy cars trying to outrun a nuclear submarine smashing through an ice field. Touché, Universal, touché.

This is such a weird pose. I can’t tell if she’s doing the Axl Rose or the Pee-wee Herman.

This is a pretty badass poster despite the fact that Scarlett Johansson has quite possibly the least intimidating “about to punch you” stance in history.

Whoooooaaa ooohh whoaaaaa sweet child of miiiiiiiiiiine…

I hope she makes them pay for her robot bewbs. Robot bewbs are up there with rocket hands on the scale of things that will make me see a movie. You’ll never get away with giving her robot bewbs you son of a bitch! I can’t wait.

Scarlett Johansson gets Asian hair, the Asian guy gets Scarlett Johansson hair. It’s Reverse Hair: The Movie! Also, wasn’t the diagonal Frank Miller rain™ enough without tilting the horizon line sideways? Pick one.

You know, I normally wouldn’t so easily fall down in praise over a “shit flying everywhere” type poster, but this is pretty fantastic. The pose is inspired. Actually, pretty much everything is.

Anyone who keeps a shoulder rat is probably pretty cool, or so movies would lead me to believe. No idea what this one’s about. Anyone? Whatever, the poster is intriguing at least, so I don’t feel bad about breaking down and checking IMDb.

Whoa, the creative team behind the Maze Runner? Stop drillin’, you’ve struck oil. I could watch those damned mazes run all day. If they’re selling, I’m buyin. I can’t wait to see this movie about… uh.. an Amish chick… or something.

Say what you will about Mussolini, at least he made the mazes run on time.

It’s the new Pirates of the Caribbean, starring… oh snap… exploding, uh… face man. He’s got a face like… uh… exploding… desert? Sure, whatever. Nice try, Pirates, franchise. You already tricked me into seeing one of these movies with the tentacle beard guy (Ol Squidbird? I honestly couldn’t tell you) and that was one of the worst moviegoing experiences of my life. Every time I complain about these movies I get flamed by the “Just shut your brain off!” mafia. But guess what?: That’s what I was trying to do. It’s much easier to do that with a movie that doesn’t have 38 breathless plot twists and is three hours long. How do you even screw that up? The last thing a pirate movie needs is more plot.

They should just start titling these the reasons for making them. Pirates Of The Caribbean: Second Divorce. Pirates Of The Caribbean: Ex-Wife’s Beach House.

Oh hell yeah, Jim Broadbeezy? That’s my jam. J-Broadbeezy is like the working man’s Tom Wilkinson. I bet he senses the shit out of those ghost kids.

I can’t put my finger on it, but one glance at this poster and I instantly thought “China or Russia.” Something about it screams “former Communist country knock off.” Google says?

Open Road Films has picked up domestic rights to Spark, an animated sci-fi feature by Canadian filmmaker Aaron Woodley.

Spark is co-production with ToonBox Entertainment, Redrover Co., Ltd, Shanghai Hoongman Technology Co., Ltd. and Gulfstream Pictures. Double Dutch International has global sales on the title except for China and Korea.

Inspired by the 16th century Chinese novel Journey to the West, Spark was written by Doug Hadders, Adam Rotstein and Woodley. [Deadline]

Hmm, a Canadian director, but a Chinese co-production based on a Chinese novel… I’m going to award myself partial credit. Anyway, something about this looks intensely generic, and I can’t quite put my finger on what. Patrick Stewart? This looks like it should star French Stewart.