This Week In Posters: Horny Nuns And Killer Wells And The ‘Conjuring’ Cinematic Universe

This week in This Week In Posters, we begin with Annabelle: Creation, which appears to be the origin story of a scary doll, and is apparently part of The Conjuring Cinematic Universe. Yes, that’s a thing that exists now. Everyone knows all horror movies are about haunted houses. What our movie presupposes is, maybe all of the houses are haunted? 

Oh, and the origin story is that the doll fell down the well. Or the girl fell down the well and somehow became the doll. In any case, mists, full moon, leafless tree branches, clouds, an old farmhouse, a well, a lantern, a little blonde girl in old timey pajamas — this poster would crush on horror imagery bingo.

Wait, is this a movie about a play or a movie adaptation of a play? Either way, the poster makes it look like a one-woman show. All I can think of is the scene in Big Lebowski where The Dude’s landlord is looking back and forth across the imaginary horizon in his Roman Senator outfit.

The waterline in the font makes me think of the giant wave planet in Interstellar. All I’ve ever wanted is a war movie shot like Chris Nolan shot the giant wave planet in Interstellar, so I hope this is good.

What does this new Jackie Chan poster remind you of? Man on Fire? The Equalizer? Blood Father? I can’t look at this without hearing a car alarm going off, so A for imagery there. Anyway, I wish Tony Scott was still alive to direct this, no one did this kind of movie better than him.

That fire looks hot. I bet Jackie Chan is all hot blooded. We should check it and see. He may have a fever of a hundred and three.

I really enjoy the way the set up/punchline of this poster works as you scroll down. Also, is that LA weather? Are we sure this isn’t San Francisco? I’ve been here for nine Fourths of July and the weather has sucked for eight of them.

This poster does look rather intense, but when your title is a racial slur it kind of does most of the work.

Remember how I said sparks and debris flying around = poster code for “lots of action?” REMEMBER HOW I SAID? Yes, I say that every week, but has there been a clearer illustration of it than this? It’s a logo teaser. And it has sparks and stuff flying around it for some reason. Brilliant.

I’ll be honest, I kind of dig the first-person shooter vibe of this Kill Switch poster, I don’t care that it’s been done before. That being said, I get the feeling this is going involve someone destroying a portal.

I don’t know what a ninjago is, but I enjoy the unique perspective here, and the reference to Crouching Tiger. Will people be mad that ninjas are Japanese and Crouching Tiger is Chinese?

Here’s the first of a big batch of character posters for Little Hours. I feel like they look more Japanese than renaissance religious painting, but it probably doesn’t matter that much.

The taglines are good.

Except for this one.

John C. Reilly is probably my favorite actor. If you’re not going to be traditionally handsome, may your face be as unique as John C. Reilly’s.

“Okay, but what if the poster was actually a picture of a building-sized ad that we could never afford.”

“Brilliant. But what’s on the ad?”

“Huh? I dunno, who cares?”

This poster has what every poster needs: floating heads, a white background, and a brick background for the white background.

After two movies of this already, I feel like the pitch/bitch puns have gone a bit stale, no? Whatever, clearly this is for people who enjoy singing along to their movies and I’m well outside the target audience.

Wait, is Spider-Man 10-feet tall in this? Something is wrong with the perspective here. Also, you don’t need to be Spider-Man to use the wedge-yourself-between-two-buildings trick. That’s just how regular climbing works.

These puzzle piece-style posters for Spider-Man: Homecoming on the other hand are kind of awesome. I don’t know much about the Vulture or whatever, but that’s a pretty cool outfit.

Here he is shooting a giant jizz rope at Spider-Man. Also there are still sparks there, somehow.

Oops, but Iron Man is going to block the jizz rope with his rocket hands. I will never get tired of rocket hands.