This week in This Week In Posters, we have a whole bunch of new stuff, but by the (un)luck of the alphabetical draw we begin with this foreign poster for Alien: Covenant. It’s cool that they made the Earth into a giant alien embryo, but less cool that Katherine Waterston’s dumb hair is featured so prominently. This has to be the most distractingly dumb hair cut in a blockbuster since the kid from Jurassic World:
Which was only slightly less dumb looking than this kid from Lucky:
Yes, I remember all these. I’m like the world’s foremost stupid hair historian (it’s because I was born with stupid hair, familiarity breeds contempt). With Katherine Waterston in Alien: Covenant, it just feels like the product of flawed decision making.
“Hmm, how do we make this hot girl look tough?”
“I know, give her really stupid hair!”
Just cut it short, like Charlize in Fury Road. Don’t go bowl cut. No one has ever looked cool and tough with a bowl cut.
[all posters via IMPA]
The alien thingies really seem to like sweating on people, don’t they?
And here we have the first poster for Edgar Wright’s Baby Driver. If you read this column, you know how much I hate tilt-shifted diagonal horizon lines, but I give this one a pass because the part of the poster we’re supposed to be looking at is actually straight. Also, I like the old school VHS vibe.
Here we have swingin’ ’60s style poster for Band Aid, which may or may not actually be set in the sixties. I actually can’t tell. I’m pretty sure they shuffled the names around just to piss me off though. That being said, “misery loves accompaniment” is a strong tagline.
Once again, a Baywatch poster is focusing on the male assets. You think that’s going to be an actual theme of the movie, gender swapping it a la Neighbors 2? Or is this just a clever media strategy to keep from getting tarred as sexist objectifiers before the movie adapted from the TV show based on jiggling breasts comes out? Either way, I’m happy to objectify The Rock for equality.
And here we have The Beguiled, which I believe is part of Sofia Coppola’s “People Magazine Covers Throughout History” series. Jk, I’m sure this will be tasteful and subtle and understated and ethereal. Sofia Coppola is our most tasteful etherealist.
Make ouuuuuut. Anyway, I’m sure this is going to be exciting because of all the particles of debris exploding everywhere. That’s the new thing in posters.
I’m slightly biased on account of I’ve already seen Brigsby Bear and I think it’s terrific, but this Awkward Family Photos-style poster is pretty great. Bonus points for the Apple IIE font.
Hey, it’s a tiny man climbing out of a bottle, this reminds me of my all-time least favorite drinking game rule. Why does it look like a Sprite bottle though? Is this a Mormon movie? Mormons love Sprite almost as much as they love trampolines.
Hoo boy, look at all those laurel leaf graphics with unreadable words inside them, this movie must be artsy.
An Inconvenient Sequel seems to be taking the “scare the shit out of you” approach, but at this stage in the game I feel like that’s pushing more people away than it’s attracting. I’ve pretty much unsubscribed all to movies about the planet being destroyed. They should call this “An Inconvenient Sequel: There’s Actually A Small Chance You Won’t Perish In A Catastrophic Flood!”
I think more people would watch that.
What in God’s name is going on with her left leg?
What’s inside? Hmm, I’m guessing it’s a kill switch.
I don’t know much about this movie, but at least I know that someone has to destroy a giant portal. Can’t have enough movies about someone destroying a portal, I always say.
Is this going to be the most British movie ever made? It stars Bill Nighy wearing a cravat and it even has “lime” in the title.
Whoa. Trippy first poster for Darren Aronofsky’s mother!, starring Jennifer Lawrence. Released on Mother’s Day, for maximum effect. I will certainly be telling my children not to walk her way.
A French comedy that employs slapstick? Sacre bleu, has this ever been done before?
On a serious note, I appreciate a pull quote that actually tells me something about the movie, and isn’t just someone from Variety calling it “adverbly adjective!”
I saw this on Twitter the other day and thought it must be a joke. I mean, of all the rock legends. Could you find one less fitting to play a pirate than Paul McCartney? Maybe Mike Love from the Beach Boys. Mike Love from the Beach Boys is the only guy who would make a worse pirate than Paul McCartney. Somewhere, Joe Perry from Aerosmith is pissed. The man spends his entire life looking like Captain Morgan only to get snubbed as lead pirate by Paul freakin’ McCartney? It’s just sad.
Is that even eyeliner? It looks like regular eye shadow. He looks more like Linda Richman than a pirate. Yo ho ho and nice cup of cawffee.
Live and Let Dye. Back in the USS-AAARRRRGGGH. Yest-AARRRRRGH-day. A Haaarrrrrrrrghhd Day’s Night. Helter Skelt-arrrrgggghhhh. (I am sorry.)
Blackbeard singin’ in the dead of night….
There are side by sides like this for every Pirates character, but you’ll have to just take my word for it because I’m not going to post them all. It seems fitting that the skull and crossbones is gold with tribal tats on its forehead. It looks like a belt buckle some 46-year-old real estate agent might wear during his weekend Harley ride.
See, this one only has a few sparks and particles of stuff flying around, so you know it’s going to be more about the build than the action itself. By the way, does Jamie Bell have any other acting speed besides “petulant child?”
Here we have the first of a series of pretty boss Transformers: The Last Knight posters. I’m gathering that this one involves time travel? You need the big shield to block the sparks.
Hold up, this Transformers movie has Nazis in it? Goddammit, am I going to actually have to see this now? If one of the robots is secretly Hitler I am so in.
I looked at this for 10 minutes before I realized that Chris Pine was holding a gun. At first glance I actually thought that was his hand reaching under Wonder Woman’s arm and copping a feel. Anyway, I’m excited to watch them be sideways and shoot lots of sparks. Should be exciting.
I was going to make an AC/DC joke about this new Todd Haynes poster, but then I noticed that one of the stars is named “Oakes Fegley” and it’s all I can think about. I like to think Oakes Fegley is Tait Purk‘s man servant. Oakes Fegley! Fetch me another can of the baked beans!