FilmDrunk

This Week In Posters: ‘Solo,’ The Rock Fights Skyscrapers, And More

Lucasfilm

This week in This Week in Posters, we begin with Solo: A Star Wars Story. I’m actually required to begin with Star Wars or else the algorithm will take my job. It is unwise to disobey the algorithm. That being said, I like the name silhouette design they went with for these. And the distressed book design tells me “that’s right, Han Solo, remember that old story?”

The Falcon getting chased by the little droid planes down there just makes me think “Pew pew!” in my head, which seems apropos.

[posters via IMPA unless otherwise noted]

Lucasfilm

I admit, it’s pretty hard to beat Donald Glover with a cape and silk scarves looking like a super fly space pimp. Still, part of me is bummed to see Lando Calrissian played by yet another non-Armenian. No justice. Such appropriation.

Lucasfilm

Am I supposed to know who Qi’ra is? Should I ask a nerd or just let it slide? Anyway, she looks a little like a WWII propaganda poster. Like Rosie the Blasterer or something. It feels like this should have some kind of aw shucks caption that references “the Japs.”

Lucasfilm

And of course, here we have the title character, Hanjamin Solomon. It feels a little weird to go straight from Poodle Skirt Sally straight to Earth tone Jim over here. Aren’t we splitting eras? I demand homage consistency in my long ago far away galaxy origin stories. Also, do all heartthrobs have to look through their brow like that? Is being a male sex symbol like boxing where you always have to keep your chin tucked?

IMPA

And here we have a teaser for Ant-Man and Wasp. They’re very small, get it? I wonder if I’d still feel this apathetic about this movie if Edgar Wright had ended up directing the first one. Also, how little interest would there have to be before Marvel cancels a project? Even accounting for superhero fatigue, the world doesn’t seem especially a-clamor for an Ant-Man sequel. I’ve sensed very little clamor.

IMPA

He’s dressed like a kitty cat. Are you intimidated yet? Mee-yow.

IMPA

Say it with me: all horror movies are about a haunted house or a creepy little kid. Still, I like that this one is as straightforward as possible.

IMPA

You wouldn’t think that the characters having their eyes open instead of closed while kissing would make much of a difference, but then you see it and it makes all the difference. This is so subtly creepy I keep looking at it. Also, it answers the all-important “but will they kiss?” question before it even starts. A+ poster making here, would examine again.

IMPA

Air… fire… water… Earth… ether… Hmm, is this like the Indian Captain Planet? They wear their capes on the front of their body over there? Who does he fight, greedy developers? I’m excited to learn more.

IMPA

Ah, yes, The Purge franchise, what is this, the fourth installment now? (Post IMDb check) Yes, yes it is. They’re really good at giving us familiar imagery and just sort of yadda yadda-ing how it relates to the Purge plot where crime is legal for one day a year for some reason. “Get it? It’s social commentary or something. Who cares, f*ck you.”

Every Purge movie ends “…in conclusion, America is a land of contrasts.”

IMPA

Sherlock Gnomes is really a throwback to the days when kids movies were cheaply made, poorly conceived toy commercials that no adult in their right mind would ever consider sitting through. I appreciate that about it. What do kids know anyway? Kids are dumb. Give adults the good stuff and feed the dingleberries leftover crap like this.

IMPA

What is it about sunglasses and wet lips that screams “statutory rape?” I appreciate that they went full conceptual with this, that’s going to sell way more tickets than a floating Dylan McDermott head.

IMPA

There aren’t too many things that would keep me from seeing a WWI movie, but something about this poster design… Too much dissolve above the title? Lame tagline? Probably a combination of the two. Something about this just screams that the real victory is the friends they made along the way.

IMPA

Hey, there’s that new font everyone’s using. The one from In The Fade and Thoroughbreds and Fifty Shades. Let’s call it the Classy Sex Font. If people are doin’ it, and they’re rich, this is the font for you. Anyway, cool poster. Makes me think this is going to be about two sets of rich Siamese twins doing each other on satin sheets. I hope they end up 138ing each other.

IMPA

So what, is Melissa McCarthy going back to college or something? “OLD SCHOOL MEETS NEW LIFE” says “wacky (wo)man-child comedy” while the tassle in the face just says “lady doing klutzy stuff at the beginning of a rom-com to make her seem relatable.” What are we in for here? Be clear.

IMPA

Good Lord, does every limited and same-day VOD release have Nic Cage in it now? I think he’s trying to give Eric Roberts a run for his money.

IMPA

I kind of hate these posters where everyone is supposedly obsessed with some guy who looks like the world’s most boring normie. “Oh gosh, Simon, please tell us! What secrets do you hold in your sherpa collar!”

IMPA

This poster for whatever number Mission: Impossible this is seems ill-conceived. Tom Cruise is a lot of things, but “imposing” isn’t one of them. Also, I think Justin Timberlake has that same jacket.

IMPA

In the midst of posters for a Star Wars origin story, a fifth Mission: Impossible, and three or four new Marvel movie posters, it’s wild that the one called “Nostalgia” is a prestige picture.

IMPA

I’m a sucker for “weird as f*ck” and we have yet another fine example of how open eyes during a normally close-eyed activity (in this case a twist on the “close-eyed headbutt“) make it creepy and intriguing. That being said, I think we may have to call a moratorium on using “fever dream” in pull quotes.

IMPA

What a strange poster. It feels bargain bin-y, Josh Harnett looks like Garrett Hedlund in it, and it appears to be Japanese despite being produced by Will Ferrell. It looks like some kind of Blade Runner rom-com? I would say I’m intrigued, but I think “puzzled” is the more correct word.

IMPA

Hmm… not busy enough.

IMPA

The poster says John Krasinski, but I don’t see him. I assume the scary shadow monster is going to chase Emily Blunt into the basement and then John Krasinski is going to look at the camera and smirk*.

*Just an evergreen John Krasinski joke right there. Never let it be said I don’t work hard.

IMPA

It looks like someone took that skyscraper car jump scene from Furious 7 and thought “Okay, but now what if The Rock was the car?”

The Rock plays a one-legged former FBI man who specializes in high-rise security in this, by the way. That’s just great writing right there. Leg Free or Die Hard. Die Hard With A Prosthetic.

IMPA

Boy, filmmakers really have to think of a better way to film writing than just superimposing the letters on the screen.

IMPA

Very cool Dali-esque poster for Winchester here. If you’re going to make a haunted house movie, it might as well be “the most haunted house in history.”

IMPA

THE MOST. HAUNTED. HOUSE. IN HISTORY. I wonder how you measure that. Is it ghost volume? Ghost quantity? Most scares per room? Is there a certifying body? Surely you can’t just make ghost claims without verification.

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