This Week In Movie Posters: Yes, Tom Cruise Is Really In A ‘Mummy’ Movie

This week in This Week in Movie Posters, we begin with this Asian poster for The Accountant, and I’m just happy to see that another continent will finally get to enjoy the magic of Ben Affleck as an autistic accountant who snaps necks and struggles with emotional cues. Those out of focus rifles on the wall are a nice, subtle touch.

And here we have the foster for Almost Paris, directed by Martin Scorsese’s daughter, Domenica Cameron-Scorsese. This one appears to be some kind of test to see how many different kinds of fonts can fit on one poster. That actor font up there is particularly unreadable in smaller form, but maybe that was deliberate, since I’ve never heard of most of these people. Also, “Talent Magazine” sounds like a made up thing. “A delightful romance!” says Definitely Not Nepotism Illustrated.

Anyway, I definitely want to check this out, if only to root for the righteous dude blasting his traps in the sleeveless tee up there. God I hope he steals this dork’s girl.

I don’t know what’s up with Cars 3. Between this and the sort of depressing trailer, it all feels a bit dramatic for a series that stars Larry the Cable Guy as Mater the tow truck.

I’m getting an accident-scene-from-Days-of-Thunder vibe from this one. Which means I’m now imagining Larry the Cable Guy Tow Truck showing up in the next scene to tell the handsome young racecar he’s paralyzed as the heart monitor beeps in the background.

Is Deniro playing Richard Belzer? Or maybe Richard Lewis? Those are the only comedians I can imagine dressing like that. Anyway, I like the simple design. The title mostly tells you what it’s about, and with that cast I don’t need to see their floating heads to know who they are.

It took me a minute to realize those were the guy’s knees. Otherwise this poster… pretty much looks like a guy gettin’ a beej. No exit? Heck, who’s trying to leave?

“Come with me, and I will show you the traditional hats of my people. Here, take this frozen caterpillar as a token of friendship.”

A film by Sean Penn? Well after his foray into Gonzo journalism I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to find out what he’s like as a director. I hope there’s a scene where Charlize Theron knows Javier Bardem is a gentleman because he pretends not to notice her “traveler’s flatulence.”

Also, I have no idea what this is about, which seems like a problem. “The Last Face” doesn’t give us a lot either. Though I do have some questions about Javier Bardem’s face. The poster makes it appear he’s standing well behind Charlize Theron, and yet his face is still a third again longer than hers. How big is his damn head? Easter Islanders are going to be trying to bury him in the ground. The man must have some tremendous neck muscles.

Aw, man, LEGO Batman had all the best posters, why did they have to jump on the turning-everything-sideways-for-no-good-reason bandwagon? THIS TREND IS SO DUMB. Poster designers, seriously, stop it with this. All that tilting to the side makes my neck hurt like I’ve been carrying around Javier Bardem’s head all day.

This is the American poster for Menorca, which is about to illustrate how much better Canada is than the US. Are you ready? Because this is the Canadian version:

Ugh, god I hate being spawned of lame-ass tit-covering Puritans. What a gyp. Anyway, I’m gonna go see this in Canada, where people know how to have fun. Drinking beer with tops on? What are we, stock brokers?

Stuff aimed at kids has such a range. I’ll see something like Wall E and think jeez I never would’ve thought of that in a million years. And then I’ll see something like “Monster Trucks” where they just took something kids already like and made it more literal and think that writing kids movies must be the easiest job in the world.

Also, I don’t understand why the driver is in this. That feels like a weird departure for a kids’ movie. It makes it look more like one of those old Hot Wheels commercials than an animated movie.

Oh, so they’re *good* monster trucks.

I still can’t believe Tom Cruise is in a Mummy movie. Though I eagerly look forward to nudging my date during this scene and loudly whispering “That’s the mummy in there.”

This is the first a big batch of these little minimalist graphic posters for Office Christmas Party. The words on the side of the water jug say “drink responsibly,” by the way, which doesn’t make a ton of sense. Because, you know, it’s a water jug.

I’m starting to believe that this will be quite the wild party.

Did she just fall backwards in her chair? Because I don’t need to be at a wild party to fall backwards off my chair, believe me.

Drunk reindeer, classic.

It feels like maybe they used the wrong image with this caption. Because this implies that that reindeer is about to get banned from sleighing for drinking out of the toilet or something. I doubt the sleighs are that strict. If you can pull, you can be on the team.

Don’t try this at home, kids. By the way, when we were kids, I feel like we were being warned of the dangers of abandoned refrigerators every three hours or so. What happened with that? Is that not a thing anymore?

That man on the left has a very long torso.

So this guy passed out and his coworkers just put stuff around him? That’s the weakest chiefing I’ve ever seen. I had a friend who went to work feeling terrible for an entire week before he finally blew his nose hard enough to discover he had a penny lodged halfway up a sinus. True story. Also, never use dry erase markers, ironically they’re damn near impossible to remove from your skin. Don’t ask me how I know.

All these water posters for Rogue One sort of feel like a Star Wars/Interstellar mash-up. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Ocean planets are rad.

Oh, is the Death Star going to be in this? I hadn’t heard.

Hey, it’s the guy from Doctor Strange! I wonder if he wants to use the Death Star to plunge the universe into darkness. I wonder if he’s ever going to explain what the hell that means. Actually, I think one of the best parts of Doctor Strange was that they *didn’t* try to explain what that means.

If you haven’t heard about this movie, read this immediately. As for the posters, aside from the beards one apparently goes when looking for redemption in a faith-based film, I appreciate that this managed to combine a sunset, strings of lightbulbs, and copious lens flares. It’s almost as if a point of light illuminating the darkness is going to be a theme.

Ha, “Jay Cocks.” Anyway, this feels like they had a strong image, with the two missionaries arriving on the Japanese shore there, but then someone ran in at the last moment and demanded MORE NEESON! Nothing sells like Liam Neeson’s grim visage.

Wait, so James Franco is a “geek millionaire” in this? Interesting. I know it’s probably been said, but I feel like the real James Franco would be scarier for a father than this James Franco character. Also, I love Bryan Cranston, but rarely do I want to see my favorite actors play disapproving WASPS. Who decided that was a draw?

Until next week…