FilmDrunk

This Week In Posters: Wait, Is Mark Wahlberg A Transformer Now?

This week in This Week In Posters, we fittingly begin with Baby Driver, a poster so full of flames and sparks that the move just has to be radical. For those of you who are just joining us, lots of sparks (or dirt, or flying granular debris of any kind, really) are code for “lots of action.” Anyway, this is a pretty traditional “pyramid of characters” design, but mostly I’m focused on the fact that Jamie Foxx seems to be pantomiming holding a gun with one hand while holding an actual gun with the other. That’s awesome. Nothing makes the threat of a gun more real like an actual gun.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Cars 3‘s marketing is so grandiose and dramatic, it’s like they’re trying to make us forget that this is a franchise that stars Larry the Cable Guy as a tow truck named “Mater.” By the way, is that “mater” as in a truck that likes to mate? Larry the Cable Guy as, The Horniest Tow Truck.

This one keeps the lens flare and unnessary diagonal and adds some debris. That’s good debris! These are starting to feel like they might be action packed.

Ooh, are those sparks? Debris and sparks? Now we’re talking. Also, is there a Tron level in this one? Let’s say yes.

Aw, look at that adorable little shirt! You think they took it off a Ken doll? I can’t wait to watch Tom Cruise smuggle drugs and bust out of doll-sized shirts and run very very fast while beautiful women miles away express mild concern.

Here’s the trailer, by the way:

Hahahahahaha, it’s so much funnier now that I know Cruise will be doing a Southern accent the whole time. By the way, does every drug movie have to have “American” in the title? Find a new naming convention.

Here’s the guy he’s playing:

Oh snap, Winston Churchill dropping knowledge about his haters. Fun Fact: Winston Churchill personally scrawled “Hi H8ers” on the first British bomb dropped on the German mainland.

NO FEAR! NO NAZIS! I think this is my new favorite No Fear shirt. Winston Churchill is my favorite historical figure, behind Big Johnson.

“You must look at facts, because they look at you.”

Facts have eyes now? Do they have penises? Can I shake my penis at the facts, because the facts are shaking their penises at me? Can I dock with the facts? What if me and facts just touch the tips together.

Ah, circuitry. Every time I see a movie about the internet I wonder what visual metaphor they’re going to use to try to illustrate it. Anyway, The Circle came out months ago here. If you look at BoxOfficeMojo, bad movies always seem to make 60-80% of their box office outside the US. Basically we send all our bad movies overseas long after we’ve decided they aren’t good enough for us. They’re like the cinematic equivalent of spoiled food.

Here we have a Chinese poster for Despicable Me 3, which seems to include the Chinese voice actors. Cool deal, I don’t know that I’ve seen that on a poster before.

You know why everyone loves the Minions? Because they aren’t humans. I hate human animated characters, the non-human characters are always a thousand times better. NO MORE HUMANS! NO MORE HUMANS!

Bold move in this Glass Castle poster to put the light source right in the main character’s forehead. It’s like she just manifested all of that stuff. “Stand back, everyone, Brie Larson gotta reminisce for a while.”

The Hitman’s Bodyguard stirred up some minor controversy last week by unveiling their “get triggered” tagline, appropriating one of the alt-right’s favorite phrases in their character posters. This new poster squeezes those posters together, and suddenly the tagline is less noticeable than the fact that it looks like they’re trying to hold hands. Or maybe Ryan Reynolds is giving Sam Jack the ol’ sack tap? Either way, I’m happy that they at least lined up the faces and the names.

Oh captain my captain! Wow, look at those fancy posters up there. This looks like a badass classroom. Pretty sure mine had a skeleton and some inspirational cat posters.

I don’t read this language, but Salt and Transformers isn’t a very impressive pedigree.

Look how much smaller than the mummy he is! Isn’t it adorable?

“Everyone knows mummies are many thousand-year old Egyptian rulers. What our movie presupposes is, maybe this one shopped for caskets at Hot Topic?”

Ballsy move of Murder On The Orient Express to not try to floating head their awesome cast and I think it paid off. I’m pretty sure this is my favorite poster this week. The smoke plume looks awesomely mysterious and the whole thing has a real Snowpiercer vibe. Really my only criticism is that they had to include Josh Gad LEAVE ME ALONE JOSH GAD WHY ARE YOU IN EVERYTHING?

Hoo boy, a lot going on in this new Trans5mers poster. Is that a Caesar haircut or just bad Photoshop? An elbow is no place for a lens flare. Also, is he playing the robot’s butler? I honestly didn’t think these movies could get any weirder after Shia LaBeouf went to robot heaven, but here we are.

Again with the elbow lens flare. Hey, it’s a choice. I also like the title font. And credit where credit is due, Michael Bay’s Transformers were always obnoxiously busy and this one’s no different, but at least this one still looks like an actual car. And there are no flames on it, which is about as close to restraint as Bay ever gets.

And finally we come to the poster I teased in the headline, which is very Star Wars-esque. A lot going on in this one. Is Marky Mark a robot in this one? Remember when they tried that with the Terminator movie? Is that a robot dragon back there? Is the robot knight going to slay the robot dragon? Where does the robot butler fit in? Who’s that girl next to Marky Mark and what is she going to do with that giant robot dildo? I admit it, poster, I have been teased.

I’m not going to defend colonialism, but you have to admit, the costumes were pretty badass (see also: this guy). This poster is just selling the sizzle.

Would you believe it if I told you that last poster and this one are for different movies? Also, both of them look pretty badass. Not only would I see this I would love a shirt made from that turban pattern.

Another one for Victoria & Abdul. This looks great, I’m going to be super sad when this guy gets murdered by The Mountain.

I can’t remember the name of this haunted music box movie from last week and I’m not going to look it up, but I enjoy that her face is supposed to convey terror, but it also sort of conveys “Ugh, I can’t believe you bought me this dumb music box.”

I still don’t know what Wonder is supposed to be about other than that the marketing makes it look obnoxiously precious. Does the kid only have one eye? That might make things more interesting.

Oops, nope, everyone only has one eye.

Kind of messed up they used Owen Wilson’s weird nose as the identifying characteristic.

Mandy Patinkin is… WOLF DAD. I’d so much rather watch that.

Normally I’d be so much more excited for a film that has Mandy Patinkin and a dog. Oh look, there’s a hashtag. I didn’t even notice. #ChooseKind. Oh boy, precious and smarmy? I can’t wait.

 

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