Today In Press Releases: A Company That Makes Sex Machines Is Sponsoring A Vaginal Beauty Contest

Cute Kitten Pink Background

Look, man, YOU trying finding an SFW banner image for this post. The image in the press release was a cartoon vagina wearing a crown, I swear.

When you’ve attended the AVN awards two years in a row like I have, and cover the adult film industry from time to time, you get some interesting press releases. I skip past the vast majority of them, but every once in a while a subject is so compelling that it demands my attention. Today’s:

“Autoblow Launches World’s First Crowdsourced Vaginal Beauty Pageant”

Compelling and rich. I’ll play your game, you rogues.

Chicago, June 18th, 2015:  The Autoblow 2 began its life in 2014 as a crowdfunded blowjob machine, but it will soon be repurposed into a robotic vagina.

Sweet mother of Jesus that is a strong lede. Comm majors should study this in schools. And don’t worry, Charlene, Autoblow could never replace you.

On June 15th, 2015, the company behind the Autoblow, Very Intelligent Ecommerce Inc. (VIECI), opened its Vaginal Beauty Pageant website for photo submissions and voting.

(*puts on reading glasses and rubber thimbles, begins leafing through voter guide*)

Women may submit photos of their vaginas to the contest website and the public will vote on the vaginas they consider to be the most attractive. The women attached to the vaginas…

Whoa whoa whoa, I don’t think “the women attached to the vaginas” is the preferred nomenclature, dude. Please. It’s “womyn attached the vaginas.”

…earning the top 3 places will win respectively $5,000, $2,500, and $1,250 in addition to trips to Los Angeles to undergo vaginal 3d scanning.

Congratulations! Collect your oversized novelty check and invasive cavity search.

The 3d scans will be used to replicate the winners vaginas onto a new series of Autoblow sleeves at micron level accuracy

The Autoblow Vaginal Beauty Contest will pioneer a new use for high-end 3d scanning technology previously used only in video games, films, the medical industry, and manufacturing processes. The winners vaginas will be scanned by a 3d scanner capable of accuracy in the range of 100 microns or the width of a human hair.

…And I thiiiiink to myself, what a wooooonderfuuul wooooooooorld…

I’d like to think there’s a guy in a sharp suit sitting in boardroom somewhere, whose company has developed the capability to scan vaginas in the range of 1000 microns, reading this pounding the table going “Son of a bitch! Those bastards at VEICI just ate our lunch! The board’s going to have my ass for this.”