Tom Hardy & Chris Pine fight over Reese Witherspoon in ‘This Means War’

After the jump, you can watch the trailer for McG’s This Means War, starring Tom Hardy and Chris Pine as two CIA super spies who are best of friends until one day, (*RECORD SCRATCH*) they realize they’re both dating Reese Witherspoon (*SAD TROMBONE*). Then they tear the city apart in high-octane, cutesy gun battles over her. (Because that’s totally what dudes do! Men be fightin’ over women be shoppin’ LOL!). And as an ADDED BONUS, Chelsea Handler plays Reese’s saucy, slutty best friend, Sassy Snarkington. SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS, WHAT GOD DID I PLEASE??

How are you still reading this? WATCH THIS MASTERPIECE LIKE YESTERDAY.

Remember when Brian Grazer was working on a live-action version of Spy vs. Spy? That’s actually a different project, even though this one is literally a spy vs. a spy, and even says “IT’S SPY VS. SPY” on the poster. But don’t let that deter you from making a separate movie that’s actually called “Spy vs. Spy,” Hollywood. I’m glad there are two. I can’t get enough of this stuff! The only thing I like more than hammy, light-hearted romance is schlocky, cheesy action! IT’S LIKE A HAMMY, SCHLOCKY, CHEESY, LIGHT-HEARTED SHLOM-BOMB!

“This movie literally melted my heart with high-powered explosives,” -Pete Hammond.

Oh, This Means War, you had me at nutshot in the trailer.

[This old mash-up by Oliver seemed relevant.]