Senior Editor
02.19.09 78 Comments

I f-cking hate lists.  Everyone on the internet constantly spews inane monkey shit and puts numbers next to it and calls it a “Top (blank) List.” And people click on that shit because we’re all simple f-cking shitheads when it comes right down to it. And because people click on it, other people throw more shit and put more numbers next to it and more shitheads read that shit and before you know it it’s all a big shitty shit party which brings us to today.  The shitheads at Entertainment Weekly made a list of the “Top 25 Greatest Active Directors”, which I read because I’m a shithead, and now I’m sharing it with you shitheads:

1. Steven Spielberg
2. Peter Jackson
3. Martin Scorsese
4. Christopher Nolan
5. Steven Soderbergh
6. Ridley Scott
7. Quentin Tarantino
8. Michael Mann
9. James Cameron
10. Joel and Ethan Coen
11. Guillermo del Toro
12. David Fincher
13. Tim Burton
14. Judd Apatow
15. Sam Raimi
16. Zack Snyder
17. Darren Aronofsky
18. Danny Boyle
19. Clint Eastwood
20. Ron Howard
21. Ang Lee
22. Paul Thomas Anderson
23. Paul Greengrass
24. Pedro Almodóvar
25. Jon Favreau

Steven Spielberg at number 1! Oh my gosh, I never saw that one coming!  Steven Spielberg is like the Brett Farve of filmmaking.  He’s not bad at what he does (and I admit I loved Minority Report as much as I hated The Terminal) and he seems like a nice enough guy, but so many people suck him off so often that part of you just wishes he’d get stung to death by bees.  And Peter Jackson?  F-ck off.  I fell asleep during the first hobbit movie and I only sat through the others to see if Frodo and Sam would finally buttf-ck each other.  So anyway, congratulations on making us all sit though yet another asinine quantification of intangibles, you goddamned smelly pukefaced yak touchers.

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