This week on Top Chef, it was a week to celebrate taste buds and childhood traditions. That is, the contestants opened the week with a blind taste test, during which they were fed nasty stuff like raw clams. Which was nice, because I always wanted to watch chefs spit anchovy paste into a soup container — I have a very particular set of kinks. After that, they finished off the episode cooking meals based on childhood food memories. Which really made me wish Katsuji was still here, I’m curious what kind of childhood produces a kosher Mexican Japanese dandy, famous for his bow ties and 27-ingredient tamales.
The elimination challenge ended up being won by a lollipop, which actually makes a lot of sense when you realize it was being judged by the Lollipop Guild:
Really, guys? Are we really suffering through a Gail-free episode to make room for Francis Fancy Frames and his empty clown suit here? I know he’s not there for the insightful analysis either, because right after this, he described the dish they were eating as “literally, it’s like punching you in the tongue.”
Oh good, I’m glad I had to turn down the brightness on my screen, it was all worth it hear such keen observations. You hear that? The candy striper says it tastes like bludgeoning! BRING BACK GAIL!
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sure he’s very nice. Don’t hate the player, hate the gimmick-rewarding game and whatnot.
Anyway, this week’s episode mostly confirmed all our earliest assumptions about this competition. The betting lines must be starting to solidify. Vegas is going crazy! I’ll take Brooke at 5-2! Parlay it with a prop bet that Emily ends up in rehab before the reunion!
POWER RANKINGS
7. (-2) ((Eliminated)) Emily Hahn, AKA Avril Terrine, aka Mud Chowder
Was there anyone watching who didn’t see this elimination coming? It was only by the grace of that one tattoo guy’s misplaced chivalry that Mud Chowder didn’t hit the ol’ muddy trail two episodes ago. She turned it around, briefly, last week with a well-received buttermilk cake, and I guess she thought she’d stick with what works by making another cake this week. In this case, her heepaw’s “icebox cake,” which I believe is named after Emily’s personality (she don’t give a damn bout her bad repu-tat-tion…).
I kid. Also, I’m getting ahead of myself, because first there was the blind taste test round. It was there Emily proved to have possibly the worst palate in the history of the show. I mean, if you can’t tell unseasoned chicken breast from another type of meat, or can’t differentiate herbs or starches, or tell one shellfish from another fine, that’s totally understandable. That’s pretty hard. Meanwhile Emily apparently couldn’t identify avocado. What else in the world tastes and feels like avocado? How do you perform a job that involves cooking food when you can’t identify an avocado?
Hmm, this is good, but maybe it needs a pinch of salt. Or possibly some fried rice. Maybe a schmear of paté? Dash of shrimp tempura? Watermelon zest? Pickled turnip? A goat’s head? Very small rocks? Honestly I’ve just been picking nouns at random.
That said, knowing she has this disability makes Emily’s performance this season much more impressive. But I’m very disappointed she didn’t wreck the stage on the way out. Come on, Emily, I thought you were a rockstar.
6. (even) Casey Thompson, AKA Nerd Alert, aka Texas
Good ol’ Nerd Alert opened this week’s episode doing cartwheels on the beach (I like to imagine she can also twirl a baton and answer questions about the future of American innovation) and promising to pull herself up by the strappy sandal straps and get herself back into contention. This after a string of cellar-dwelling episodes. You can do it, Casey! Honestly, nothing’s more heartwarming than watching pretty people succeed.
Unfortunately, ’twas not to be. After proving one of the best palates in the quickfire, Casey inadvisedly attempted to combine two childhood memories, one of her Southern grandma’s crab cakes and one her French grandma’s Fronsh pastries, into a single dish — described as a “crab macarone.”
Mmm, shellfish cookies…
This actually turned out much better than you might imagine — little crab cake sandwiched between crunchy bread with a sauce and microgreen salad garnish, which actually looked good — and it was even called “the most appropriate dish” by guest judge Michael Voltaggio. Unfortunately it was also slightly underseasoned. Possibly by a single flake of salt. DUNT DUNT DUNNN!
Casey was then involved in the most inexplicable moment of the episode. When, at judges table, she responded to the criticism of her dish with, “It was a bit underseasoned, that is not me!”
Reaction from the Voltaggio cam
So… you agree with the criticism, but deny responsibility? She didn’t actually blame anyone else, so I don’t even think she was trying to pass the buck. I think what she was actually trying to say was “That’s true but I object on the grounds that it makes me feel bad!”
Poor Casey. I hope she stays for the rest of the episodes but lands in the bottom every time. Not because I dislike her, I just find her flustered pout-gasms strangely entertaining. Also, more cartwheels. Hello and welcome to Cartwheels And Crab Cakes, with your host, Casey Thompson…
5. (2) Shirley Chung, AKA Bowl of Hug, aka Peppercorn, aka Hotpot
Shirley didn’t have the best palate this episode, but she did do the most regurgitating, which will almost certainly show up on a fetish video somewhere. The most shocking thing was watching the Asian chef known for her spicy food spit out the ginger. Really? Ginger? Did not see that one coming.
Anyway, Peppercorn earned her nickname cooking a “borderline overseasoned” Beijing-spiced leg of lamb, which seems like it’d be mostly in her wheelhouse. But then she got dinged for slicing the lamb too big! Aww, little Lord Fauntleroy’s tummy hurts because there’s too much meat in it. But hey, what can you do, there’s only seven chefs left, you know the nitpicks are going to be extra bitchy.
PADMA: You wanted me to chew a large piece of meat with my own teeth? Are you f*cking serious? (*chugs champagne, smashes flute in the fireplace*)
If Shirley is going to have a shot at this thing, she’s going to need to get back to her roots making stews. Come on, Hotpot, everyone loves a stew.
4. (+3) John Tesar, AKA Bangles, aka Steve Douchemi
Bangles opened this week’s episode still ‘avin’ a cry over last week’s episode, in which he feuded with Katsuji over… uh… something. I dunno, I vaguely remember that it was annoying?
God bless Top Chef‘s producers for trying to create pathos out of John’s general annoyingness though, that’s very generous of them. “John has some demons. …He’s trying to work on them.”
Yeah, okay, Casey. Either that or he’s just kind of a pain in the ass. I like to imagine that if you yank one of the baubles off Bangles’ magic bracelet he turns into the incredible Hulk. That, or he ages 70 years in a matter of seconds like Melisandre from Game of Thrones (spoiler alert? whatever).
Anyway, Bangles was Shakespearianly undone by his own hubris once again in the quickfire, in which he trash talked the cigarette smoking chefs, only to be exposed for his own Emily-esque palate. Meanwhile, Biscuits, who has smoked at least one cigarette on camera this season, destroyed everyone.
After that, Bangles bought up all the crab (where did Casey get her crab then? That was never explained), pissing off Sylva in the process, but creating a scampi dish that seemed well received despite includeing a foam. To mimic the feel of the surf on the beach, you see. Whatever.
Also, his childhood food memory involved snow crab flown in from Alaska? Why didn’t anyone question this?
John should’ve gone home last episode, and finished just outside of the top three this episode, so it’s kind of a mystery where he belongs on this list. Right in the middle, I guess.
3. (+1) Sylva Senat, AKA Fishbone, aka Mansplain
Chef Sylva was crowned this week’s lollipop king after cooking easily the most unappetizing-sounding, but apparently super appetizing dish, “Haitian beef bags.” (Also my nickname for your mom’s… nevermind).
It felt like Sylva was doing everything wrong, from “Haitain beef bags” to the fact that he was serving it in meat lollipop form, not to mention that he created said dish by grinding up ribeye. WHY ARE YOU GRINDING RIBEYE. Ribeye is expensive because of the texture, if you’re just going to grind it up anyway you can get the same meat/fat ratio with a cheap cut of pot roast or something. Christ man, what is this, a Ruby Tuesday commercial?
Despite all that, Sylva took the title on a super strong week, so his dish (which does look delicious) must’ve been incredible. You may also notice that both of Sylva’s victories came when he offered emotional backstory and cooked the food of his childhood. I hope he’s noticing the pattern. Maybe cool it with the Asian fusion there, hoss.
I like to imagine that the judges are going to keep pushing Sylva towards more and more authentic Haitian flavors until it backfires in the finale, a la Babu from Seinfeld.
2. (even) Sheldon Simeon, AKA Keanu, aka Shel Chillverstein, aka Hopalong
Shel Chill and his tiny Steve Zissou beanie offered up perhaps the most poignant childhood story this week: his memory of eating “tea and rice,” which his mom would apparently make using the leftover tea from his welder father’s thermos. Or ‘termos, in Hawaiian speak. (I enjoyed Sheldon’s steadfast refusal to acknowledge Brooke making fun of his accent).
Holy shit, day-old tea over rice? Did anyone else think this seemed like a terrible idea? Growing up, my dad went out for cigarettes for seven years so we ended up eating a lot of cat food. Which is why I’ve prepared for you a cat food pate over aged graham cracker crostini…
But much like Sylva, Sheldon proved my fears misguided when he created some kind of barley porridge (which also apparently involved a barley “tea”) with broth and vegetables that Brooke said was the best thing she’d eaten in five years. And in typical Sheldon fashion, he still ended up in second place. This guy’s destined for runner-up status. Although that sounds too strenuous for Sheldon. Maybe more like casual-stroller up.
One. (Even) Brooke Williamson, AKA Biscuits, aka The Girl With The Radish Tattoo
Brooke has been the favorite ever since episode one and I’m not dropping her out of the top spot just because Sylva pulled a delicious meat lollipop out of his ass. Especially not when Biscuits crushed everyone in the palate challenge, out-tasting her nearest competitor by as many correct answers as Emily got in the whole challenge.
—
INTERIOR: The Top Chef kitchen, EMILY happily stirring a giant pot.
EMILY
Mmm, my mampap’s dumpling stew! This will win me a challenge for sure. Yeah, and then they’ll have to respect me. I’m gonna show them all. Sometimes I just get so mad! GRRRR!!!
EMILY puts her hood over her head and starts shadow boxing. Just then, SHIRLEY enters the kitchen. Shirley smells the air, squints.
SHIRLEY
Something wrong. Anyone smell something… off?
EMILY
Hmm, let’s ask Brooke. Brooke knows everything! I’m gonna ask her for advice and just do everything she says. Brooke!
EXTERIOR: Just outside the kitchen
Brooke leans against the wall, the sole of her Doc Marten pressed against the stucco, looking cool as shit. Hearing Emily, Brooke rolls her eyes, stubs out her Lucky Strike, and starts to walk back inside. Upon opening the door, her knees immediately weaken. Her eyes cross comically and she collapses to the floor.
JOHN
Jesus, what’s going on in there? I bet it’s Katsuji. He’s always trying to sabotage me! Well if they want the old John, then by God I’ll give it to them…
John storms inside. The charms on his Tibetan jungle quartz promise bracelet jingle as he steps over Brooke’s body. A faint moaning sound. As he enters the kitchen, he sees Shirley and Emily staring at the pot on Emily’s station.
EMILY
It’s meepaw’s dumpling soup!
He grabs a spoon and digs it inside the pot to investigate. Hitting something large, he frowns. John reaches in tentatively, grasps this object with his thumb and forefinger, numb from years of scalding, losing a jade thumb ring in the process. As he pulls carefully, the carcass of a small mammal slowly emerges from the simmering broth.
JOHN
[frowning] Is that… a skunk?
EMILY
…I thought it was a chicken.
SHIRLEY
(*vomits into her hand*)
—
In the elimination challenge, Brooke poached some egg yolks in olive oil using the sous vide machine and then served them inside a crepe, which Tom said was “the best breakfast/brunch dish I’ve ever had on this show.”
Poached yolks (not even whole eggs, just the yolks!) and crepes for 100 people? There are a million ways that could go wrong. And she already won an episode with a panna cotta. Brooke is just pulling trick shots to entertain herself at this point. I don’t know how she loses.