Senior Editor
04.09.09 48 Comments

A trampstamp about an abstinence parable… oh the delicious irony.  Delicious, retarded irony.

In other news I can’t believe is real, Twilight fans (“Twihards”) are being blamed for a series of violent attacks on Twilight haters (“antis”).  As discovered by io9, Urban Dictionary even has an entry for Twihard, which includes 10 signs you might be a Twihard, including…

10. Whenever you hear “Girlfriend” by Avril Lavigne, you can’t help but replacing the words with “Edward is a Virgin”

I would rather read my own positive STD test results than that sentence again.  In any case, these attacks on antis supposedly include bat beatings, brick throwings, flare gun attacks, jumpings, acid throwings and more.  Take the stories with a few grains of salt because they mostly come from a Twilight Sucks message board, and in fact I have a hard time believing they’re not someone’s idea of a joke.  Nevertheless, it’s a pretty good one.  Sample attack story:

At lunch today every single girl at the table is talking about Twilight. I try to tell them about the crazed fan girl attacks that have been going on lately (which is making me dislike the series more and more). One of the girls actually tried to talk some sense into ME! She tried to explain that the Fan girls were just angry.
And I said, “If people who don’t like Twilight get on obsessed fan girls nerves that much Twilight should be destroyed!” Some of the girls at my table understood. Some got really pissed. One of the girls marched off steaming. I thought I had made my point. But of course in Algebra I went to go sharpen my pencil, and that girl who marched off was in my class. She came up behind me and tried to slit my throat with a shank! She screamed “How dare you say Twilight should be destroyed!” Now, I had to do something. So I took my pencil out of the sharpener and stabbed her in the side (thank god i had already sharpened my pencil or she wouldn’t have felt the stab). She lost concentration for a second or two, so she could look at the pencil sticking out of her. Without such a strong grasp, i was able to break free. By now students were restraining her as she kicked and screamed.

Yeah… I don’t believe that’s real for a second, but kudos to whoever wrote it.  Good stuff.  In related news, I used to be a Twihard back when I played roller hockey, but I kept swipping and fawing down. :-(

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