Twilight Spinoff Alert: Snorkels the Vampire Fetus won't be final chapter

Senior Editor
09.07.10 26 Comments

(Dude, tell your mom to get off my bed.)

If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably been sitting in your nest of cats all morning, quietly rubbing your home-made Bella womb made of felt. wondering whether Breaking Dawn will be the last of the Twilight films.  “Why, it can’t end with a werewolf falling in love with a telepathic vampire fetus, there must be more!” you probably thought to yourself.  Well you’re in luck, because according to the latest rumor, Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight spinoff, The Second Short Life of Bree Tanner is coming to big screens.  That’s right, this money train can keep on a-rolling as long as Stephenie Meyer can keep coming up with generic white chick names.  

Says Australia’s WhatsPlaying:

Consider this nothing more than a rumour – if only because our source, though seemingly on the level and able to provide sufficient information to pass the BS detector, is a first-time scooper.

According to the tipster, who works in licensing, Stephenie Meyer’s book The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner – released in March – is headed to the big screen. Tanner, of course, is a character that popped up ever-so-briefly in this year’s The Twilight Saga : Eclipse. Tanner is the newborn that surrenders to Carlisle and is killed by Jane at the end of the book [Spoiler?  I have no idea.].

So yes, still a rumor, but given that the Twilight Saga has made Summit roughly twelve gajillion dollars, the fact that they’d want to adapt Stephenie Meyer’s newest Twilight book is about as obvious as it gets without a tack hammer.  And in fact, I’ve heard Meyer’s latest is good.  I’ve heard it’s very good.  I’ve heard it’s so good, it was scary.  I haven’t read it, but I did have some favorite moments from Wikipedia’s plot synopsis:

“Together Diego and Bree kill and drink a pimp, two prostitutes and two homeless people.” 

“They also discover that sunlight does not kill a vampire, but makes their skin sparkle.”

“Diego gets into a fight with Raoul, an arrogant newborn, but another newborn, ‘Freaky Fred,’ uses his repelling power to stop Raoul from killing them.”

“Riley: The leader of the newborns. He gets his orders from Victoria. He is responsible for finding troubled children and bringing them to Victoria so she can change them into vampires. He is described by Bree as beautiful, just like all vampires are.”

“Though the newborns’ thoughts were not safe, the newborns could not see Victoria for her safety, not theirs, due to Alice’s ability to the read the future. She (Alice) was focused on Victoria’s choices but was not ‘tuned in’ to the newborns.”

Wait, did I just say “Army of telepathic newborns?”  I did indeed, friend, I did indeed. Haha, it’s funny because grown women read this. The other day I saw two girls I went to college with talking about this book on Facebook, and one of them told the other “don’t be intimidated by the smaller font, girl.” True story.

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