Bruckheimer moving ahead with Pirates 5: Dead Man’s Farts

In case you were worried we wouldn’t get a fifth Pirates of the Caribbean film after the fourth one hits theaters in May, fret not, this bland, sh-tty franchise will be the last thing left on Earth along with cockroaches and Taco Bell taco meat.  The writers have already been hired.

Producer Jerry Bruckheimer says he has a screenplay in the works for a fifth “Pirates” tale after May’s “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” comes out.

Gosh, I hope it involves a curse, or a ghost, or a talking monkey, or a fat suit, or a lobotomy.

Bruckheimer says “On Stranger Tides” and future “Pirates” flicks will be stand-alone stories continuing the adventures of Depp’s woozy buccaneer Capt. Jack Sparrow.

“Woozy Buccaneer” — great name for a bar.

Directed by Rob Marshall (“Chicago”), “On Stranger Tides” sends Jack on a quest for the fountain of youth. Bruckheimer and Marshall showed off footage Tuesday at CinemaCon, a Las Vegas convention of theater owners.
“At test screenings of “On Stranger Tides,” “the audience told us what they loved about it is that it was fresh, it was new, it was a whole new story,” Bruckheimer said in an interview alongside Marshall. “As long as the audience embraces this one, we’ll certainly try to make another one. It’s really up to Johnny. He loves the character.”

“We showed this film to a whole parade of increasingly listless yokels we found loitering outside convenience stores during business hours.  They loved it, and we really tried to incorporate all of their suggestions.  We weren’t sure what ‘gravyplane’ meant, exactly, but the freshness, that was an idea we really tried to run with.”

“On Stranger Tides” is the first “Pirates” flick shot with digital 3-D cameras. The filmmakers make good use of the 3-D imagery in action sequences, which include a shot where Cruz’s character tries to stab Depp’s Capt. Jack through a closed door, her sword leaping off the screen right at the audience.

Bruckheimer and Marshall were interested from the start in doing the movie in 3-D, which can boost revenues since fans pay a few dollars more than they do to see 2-D versions.

“What we discovered is that charging people more can really be what we call a ‘profit maximizer’. We’re presenting our findings to a panel at Wharton next month.”

“But the technology scared us a little, only because, you saw ‘Avatar,’ that was all done on sound stages. Nobody had ever taken these cameras out into the jungles and did a big adventure picture,” Bruckheimer said. [AssociatedPress]

“We saw this 3D film about a jungle planet and thought, ‘Hey, why not shoot some 3D in the jungle?’  Genius.  Genius-hero, I guess would be the best way to describe myself.”

Hey, dummy, you gotta push your cheek out with your tongue when you pantomime a blowjob.