Untitled Movie Column Project: Part One

One of the things I said to Vince when we talked about me maybe starting to post here was that I had given a lot of thought about what to contribute, and one idea was to do a weekly column. Unfortunately that was a lie that I just sort of nervously blurted out because I hadn’t given any thought to anything and then he actually agreed and now I have to write a column.


People who are good at this kind of thing usually have clever names for their columns, but I’m not so I don’t. It doesn’t have a name yet. Which is probably for the best because I co-created, and wrote every word from day one until a year ago, and I couldn’t have chosen a more confusing name for that unless I was a black teenage mom.

So this is very much a work in progress that will hopefully will get better as the weeks go on. Or it could get much much worse, who knows. That’s just how life works, it’s full of surprises and wonder.

LIFEHACKS: How to make the most of your summer movie-going experience

– Palm a $20 bill and smoothly slip it to the ticket-taker for a better seat.
– Bring a beach ball so the audience can bat it around the theater.
– Make a romantic movie even romanticer by lighting some candles and pouring her a glass of wine.
– Really chat it up when standing at the urinals. A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet.
– When the concession-stand kid asks if you’d like to add a pizza to your order, dear god say “yes”. Near total darkness with your elbows pinned to your side is the perfect way to eat scalding hot food that bonds to your skin like cement.
– If you have to use the restroom but don’t want to miss anything, just pee on the floor. That’s why it’s slanted.
– Don’t go see Transformers 4.


UNDERRATED: Timothy Olyphant

‘Deadwood’ and ‘Justified’ are two of the best television shows of the past 20 years, and Olyphant starred in both of them, yet for some reason he isn’t hugely famous. How can Mark Wahlberg and his dumb befuddled face be in five movies a year but Olyphant isn’t in any? Not only is Olyphant a better actor, but he’s so good looking his parents probably raised him as a girl for like the first five years.

OVERRATED: Steven Spielberg
For some reason, about 20 years ago, all the best people in Hollywood started to work with Spielberg, and I have no idea why. The League of Shadows maybe. It’s not that he sucks, he’s not Brett Ratner, but he shouldn’t be in anyone’s Top 20 either. His movies all look and sound very professional because of the people around him but they’re still just paint-by-numbers manipulation; Nazis, slavery, Hitler, something cute that may or may not be dead by the end. It’s like a date with Mel Gibson set to stirring music.


I still like mashups because I’m a fancy gentleman with unsurpassed taste in the arts, and this week I recommend Eminem vs Shakey Graves. For one because it only has 594 views on youtube so you probably haven’t heard it, and two because you get to call it the Real Slim Shakey and that’s awesome. Just give it 30 seconds. Oh what, like you’re so busy?


This Week: FROZEN

Okay so it’s starting, and there’s these guys in the middle of a frozen lake chopping away at the ice that they’re standing on. Which doesn’t really seem like the greatest idea in the world. That lake is barely frozen, someone didn’t really think this through. What are they doing anyway? Are they gonna try to sell the ice? To who? There’s nothing BUT ice for a million miles in every direction. The guy at the store is gonna be like, “Why in the hell would you bring me ice? Look around, does it look like I need more ice?” This movie has been on for less than a minute and it already makes no sense whatsoever.

Holy Christ they’ve been singing this whole time so I’m just gonna skip ahead.

And now there’s a little girl singing. She has braids in her hair and she’s singing to a little blonde girl who is just sitting there on the other side of a door. They’re in some kind of mansion or castle that appears to be empty so one or both of these kids might be ghosts. This movie is scary!

I only scanned ahead for a second but there was a montage and the little girl with braids is like 18 now and this must be the longest song in the world because she’s still singing it. And now the blonde girl is singing too.

Jesus Christ, now that girl with the braids is outside but still singing. It’s a different song though and there’s some guy with her. From what I can tell she just left home for the first time ever and now she’s gonna bang the first guy who talked to her. If they have Phi Mu there she should rush them, she’ll fit right in. And now she and that guy are singing together. Am I at the opera, why is everyone singing? Oh and the blonde girl has superpowers for a reason I don’t know but might have been explained in the lyrics to one of the five dozen songs.

Now there’s a snowman. And now he’s singing. Seriously, what, some rock people now, and, oh my god, what are you doing, stop, just, could everyone just stop singing for five god damn seconds?

VERDICT: Frozen gets 2 stars out of 4 because IMDb says Josh Gad is in it and he’s an incredibly funny actor who was probably really funny in this too during the parts I skipped.