Well this is embarrassing. All this time I’ve been writing this website dedicated to film, I was unaware that the peak of cinema had already been reached, some time back in the early 90s. That was when began Masaru Tsushima’s film series, The Female Ninja Magic Chronicles, and a character uttered the fateful phrase: “Female ninja magic: vagina bubbles from hell!”
Yes, weaponized vagina bubbles. Brian Pumper would be so proud. And while I would be perfectly content to let this post stand with just these two pictures:
….There is much more. So much, much more.
Here are some excerpts from a review:
Sure, I’ve heard of shuriken and shuko, but I must admit I was not aware of the Ninja arts of Fetus Transferral and of course the Deadly Flying Sperm Bubbles. Live and learn.
She orders her lady ninjas to make love with her husband, so that at least one, maybe more, will bear his child. “These are my last moments,” she says, “I’ve decided to die with Hideyori. Fill your carnal cavities with your sacred seed.”
By sucking on her breast, he slowly takes on her appearance. “You’ve witnessed a secret ninja trick,” he/she says proudly.
Four black ninjas, four lady ninjas. In order to keep the child safe during the fighting, the lady ninjas perform their “Fetus Transferral” ninja trick, passing the embryo back and forth between them, to whoever is most convenient.
This compared to another girl, who can suck all of a man’s blood out of them using her vagina.
…there’s a scene where a pregnant woman gets the tar kicked out of her. By a ninja’s shadow, no less.
And that’s not even the best part: this series reportedly includes SIX FILMS. (*speaking into tin can attached by string to tin can on cat’s head*) Miss Katz? Clear my schedule.
Sadly, I believe the concept of weaponized vagina bubbles was an attempt to forewarn us of the career of Kate Hudson. Had we only listened.