Honest Trailer: Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Senior Editor
01.22.13 23 Comments

ScreenJunkies usually time their Honest Trailer series to coincide with the release of a film on DVD, but I don’t think Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull released anything today and I’m too lazy to look it up, so I like to imagine they just saw some low-hanging fruit rotting on the vine and decided to take a baseball bat to it. I’m fine with that. I could’ve done without the Karen Allen disses. Ha, she looks less good than when she was an ingenue 30 years ago! What a stupid bitch!  But as always, they make some great points, even about an often-parodied movie. The sound effects, the gophers, the constant reminders of Indy’s age – and worst of all, the CGI shots. I’d honestly forgotten how bad most of those were.

But again with the Nuke the Fridge thing. People, people: I know “nuke the fridge” sounds catchy to say, but nuking the fridge wasn’t even in the top 10 worst things about that movie. Unrealistic, of course, but at least it was kind of creative. The waterfall sequence was a thousand times worse, as was the monkey army, as was LeBeef not being able to find Indy a rope when he was stuck in quicksand and then throwing him a giant snake instead. My God, there’s so much wrong with that sequence, I don’t even know where to begin. And even that’s assuming I skip over the part where they thought their movie needed a quicksand scene. I choose to remember the eighties as an entire decade of people stepping in quicksand and complaining about anchovies on pizza. What were we talking about again? Oh right, Indiana Jones. Years from now, the question of which is the worst scene in this terrible movie full of bad scenes will be the subject of much heated debate among historians. Guys with weird hair on the History Channel will claim Spielberg and Lucas couldn’t possibly have made a movie so bad without having been possessed by aliens. “Do you have any proof that they weren’t possessed by aliens? What other explanation could there be? Can there be any doubt that the sucking on display was other-worldly?”

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