After the jump I’ve got the first full-length, theatrical trailer for the Steven Spielberg-directed War Horse, opening just in time for Christmas. With a script by Lee Hall and Richard Curtis, who have credits on Billy Elliot and Love Actually between them, it looks like either the epic Oscar-bait crowd-pleaser all the dorks on the internet think it is, or the most hilariously bloated act of unintentional self-parody the world has ever seen. The title cards read:
…Tested by battle
…Touched by kindness
MOVE OVER, MARINE BIOLOGIST HARRY CONNICK JR.! THERE’S A NEW DOLPHIN IN TOWN, AND HIS NAME IS WAR HORSE!
First lines of dialog:
“Wot is it?”
“It’s an ‘orse dey found wandrin about in no man’s land.”
“What koind of an ‘orse?”
“The miraculous koind, would be moy guess.”
Okay, first of all, who asks “what kind of a horse?” What are you, a horse doctor? It’s a f*cking horse. Four hoofs and a tail. What were you looking for, a social security number?
Next scene: a kid sees a majestic horse in a pasture.
Oh. My. God. Becky, look at her tail.
IT’S LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT! FEED HIM A CARROT IN A SUNBEAM!
Oh jeez, just look at those bedroom eyes. If you ask me, that horse was asking to be ridden.
Why, it’s a boy riding his miracle horse alongside an automobile!
A kind-hearted horse boy from the countryside and a beautiful debutante from the big city with a chauffeur…. why… you don’t think… they might fall in love, do you? BECAUSE I FORBID IT! NO BILLOWY DOE-EYED DAUGHTER OF MIND IS GOING TO DATE SOME TRAMP WHO CAN’T EVEN AFFORD SADDLES, LET ALONE A DINNER JACKET! OVER MY DEAD BODY! SEND HIM AWAY, HE SMELLS OF NOSTALGIA AND WHEAT FIELDS!
No one can handle this horse! He’s no normal horse! He’s too full of miracles!
And then from there, it’s all soaring music and epic tracking shots intercut with an old man explaining, “You have to look forward or you’ll never get home.”
BE BRAVE! BE BRAVE! BE BRAVE!
Oh horse, you have become an inspiration to us all. It was an honor to ride beside, and on top of you.
(*breaks leg*) (*shoots self*)