Whatever you think of morning shows (hopefully meh things), they’re not exactly known for their rich film criticism. But recently, Lisa Wilkinson, a typically cheery anchor on Australia’s typically cheery Today show, went out and saw Fifty Shades of Grey. Her response?
“Fifty Shades of Grey is, quite simply, the worst movie I’ve ever seen.”
“Jamie Dornan as Christian Grey is a 30-something jerk of a billionaire who never seems to work. An emotionally crippled narcissist no one could love. Meanwhile, Dakota Johnson is the one-dimensional lip biting—COULD SOMEONE GET THAT GIRL A CHAPSTICK?—pathetic Anastasia Steele who, for no discernible reason, falls in love with the aforementioned jerk and singlehandedly sells women across the world short. Yes, Fifty Shades of Grey is more appalling than appealing. It’s domestic violence dressed up as erotica. And if there’s one thing this movie is not, it’s erotic. One star out of five, Dicky. And that’s only because of the excellent Choc-top I consoled myself with later. And I know you’re wondering, as to Pete. No, he didn’t get lucky last night because, after two hours of complete drivel, I need more than a Choc-top to pop my corn.”
God, it’s just so immensely pleasurable to watch the host of a morning show — the type of show that perfectly caters to the Grey demographic — go off on air. The responses of her fellow co-hosts, anxiously giggling their way through her full-scale diatribe, also satisfy. Sure, nothing’s easier than to straight-up pan a film without ever searching for subtlety, but when that movie is Fifty Shades of Grey — and when that host comes from The Today Show — it’s totally okay. In fact, it’s more than totally okay. It’s perfect.
Translations: Choc-tops are chocolate-dipped ice cream cones, apparently, a common movie refreshment in Australia. Ten thousand extra credit points go to the writer for including the phrase “I need more than a Choc-top to pop my corn” in her slam.