Opening Everywhere: Marvel’s The Avengers
HEY GRANDPARENTS!!! OPENING EVERYWHERE: THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL!!!
Possibly Opening Somewhere: LOL, A Little Bit of Heaven
Never Heard of ‘Em: Mother’s Day, Meeting Evil
The Avengers
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Scale:
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Lord have mercy, there are scenes in The Avengers that flat out whistle. The strongest aspect of comic book action is, though it is (generally) encapsulated in a frame, it doesn’t need to conform to the physics of reality. So too, The Avengers movie, which fluidly blends CGI and ambition to output something not quite of this world. When the shot goes from The Hulk to Cap’ to Iron Man to Thor to Black Widow to Hawkeye … and back again, well you’ve convinced me that there are still a few angles out there that haven’t been beaten into the ground.” – Laremy Legel, Film.com
“As such, it has no right to be this good. A 3-D movie featuring not one, not two, but six brilliant and/or ludicrously muscled protagonists fighting to defend Planet Earth from a Nordic god in a snit has no right to be anything but confusing, ridiculous and generally devoid of simple human affect. And yet it’s none of those things.” – Amy Biancolli, San Francisco Chronicle
Armchair Analysis: Someone on my Twitter feed made a joke yesterday along the lines of “How is it that The Avengers suddenly became the comic book we couldn’t wait to see as a movie?” And the geek child that I used to be – since blossomed into a burly man of sexual authority – snorted, laughed and said, “I know, right? Preposterous.” But here we are. Riding strong at 93% on Rotten Tomatoes and earning a B+ from Vinnie Mancini, The Avengers is an instant blockbuster. I will now insert my fingers into my ears because I won’t see it until next week.
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Scale:
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“It may be geared to the over-60 set, but unlike last month’s ode to aging, Darling Companion, it is by no means limited to that group. ‘It will make you want to be old!’ a publicist chirped on my way in.” – Mary Pols, TIME
“A delightful, droll and entertaining comedy of manners with an estimable cast, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel offers an ideal low-tech alternative to the special-effects laden Avengers.” – Claudia Puig, USA Today (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, sure thing, Claudia.)
Armchair Analysis: If you’re under 50 and see this film, you probably need to see someone about your elderly fetish.
LOL
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Scale:
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
I am totally shocked that there are no critical reviews of this film available.
Armchair Analysis: Hell no.
A Little Bit of Heaven
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Scale:
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Kate Hudson is a free-spirited woman (does she play any other kind?) dying from ‘ass cancer’ in A Little Bit of Heaven, an awkward mixture of melodrama and whimsical romantic comedy that should make the briefest of appearances in theaters before, like its main character, moving on to other planes. It might serve a valuable purpose if it at least prompts viewers to finally schedule those long delayed colonoscopies.” – Frank Scheck, Hollywood Reporter
“Even here Hudson has a certain quality, very different from that of her mother (Goldie Hawn), that’s hardy and rowdy and, at the same time, delicate and idiosyncratic. One of these days, someone will put her in a good movie.” – Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle
Armchair Analysis: I don’t know, I think it sounds rather delightful.
And now I’d like to introduce a new addition to the Weekend Movie Guide called “I’ve Never Heard of This Movie so I’m Going to Try to Guess the Plot by Looking at the Poster and Characters.”
Mother’s Day
My Guess: It’s pretty obvious that this is a re-make of the horror film, Mother’s Day. Either that, or the Hallmark holiday falls on Rebecca DeMornay’s wrong time of the month and her daughter-in-law, played by Jaime King, is in for a heck of a time until they… *record scratch* realize they have the same cycle!
Real Plot: “From the maker of Saw II, III and IV, Mother’s Day is a graphic remake of the Troma horror classic, Mother’s Day. After a bank robbery gone wrong, three brothers go home to hideout… only to discover that their Mother (Rebecca De Mornay) lost their house in a foreclosure. The new owners and their party guests become the depraved brothers’ unwitting hostages. Their sadistic Mother soon arrives and brilliantly takes control of the situation, ratcheting up the terror. As the hostages struggle desperately to survive the harrowing torture, they realize that there is nothing a Mother won’t do to protect her children.”
Armchair Analysis: How is this just now being re-made? I feel like this could have been done three times in the 22 years since the original was released.
Meeting Evil
My Guess: Luke Wilson is you every day average Joe, upset with his 9-to-5 job and his less-than-faithful wife. One day, he unwittingly drinks from Samuel L. Jackson’s coffee mug, unleashing a billion year old demon named Bobby Evil, voiced by Gilbert Gottfried.
Real Plot: “When John Fleton, a depressed suburban family man and recently fired realtor, offers to help a stranger, Richie, with his car, John is sucked into a surreal, nightmarish murder spree that forces him to question everything about his life, his mode of behavior, and the very nature of evil…”
Armchair Analysis: Meh. Good for these guys, I guess.