Weekend Movie Guide: ‘Carrie’ < 'Kyrie'

Opening Everywhere: Carrie, Escape Plan, The Fifth Estate

Opening Somewhere: 12 Years a Slave, All is Lost

FilmDrunk Suggests: Not 12 Years a Slave, if you read Vince’s review. Hoo boy, that’s some words about a movie that he wrote, right? Obviously, I’m a macho fella, so I’m pretty amped about Escape Plan. If you need me, I’ll be doing some pushups.


Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 51% critics, 72% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

Moore is terrifying as a guilt-addled true believer, and Moretz caresses her role when she gets the chance. And the hot topics do indeed remain hot. – Tom Long, Detroit News

The new Carrie isn’t atrocious – just flat and uninspired and compromised by the kind of mindless teen-movie “humanism” that De Palma so punkishly spat on. – David Edelstein, Vulture

Armchair Analysis: A lot of people have either been complaining about the fact that this remake was even made, while others have been defending it, citing its relevance to today’s mainstream bullying issues. I don’t really care either way. Why? Because I just want to rock.

Escape Plan

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 47% critics, 72% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

Schwarzenegger misses no opportunity to be hilarious. How many actors can make you chuckle even when they’re being waterboarded? – Kyle Smith, New York Post

It’s not a movie about two old guys who come back, but a straight-ahead action movie meant to be taken on its own terms. – Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle

Armchair Analysis: This movie looks incredible. I’m glad every person on Earth agrees with me.

The Fifth Estate

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 37% critics, 46% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

Condon and his screenwriter Josh Singer don’t quite know what to make of this duo, perhaps because the men didn’t quite know what to make of each other, either. – Peter Rainer, Christian Science Monitor

“The Fifth Estate” feels unfortunately small and safe. – Christy Lemire,

Armchair Analysis: I have a secret for Julian Assange – he’s boring. Please, call me when you find out something important like how Person of Interest ends.

12 Years a Slave

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 96% critics, 92% audience, 0% Mancinis

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

It is Ejiofor – bewildered, sorely tested, morally towering – whose staggered dignity anchors the film. – Bob Mondelo, NPR

A brutally powerful and emotionally devastating film that takes great pains to rip any lingering vestiges of romanticism from America’s most shameful institution. – Lou Lumenick, New York Post

Armchair Analysis: Vince didn’t like this movie and I’m afraid to watch anything that might make me feel horrible about my existence. It’s why I’ve seen The Last Starfighter more than 6,000 times.

[Vince’s note: Right, Lou, because slavery seemed so romantic before 12 Years a Slave came along. THANK YOU, STEVE MCQUEEN! I COULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED SLAVERY WAS BRUTAL AND REPUGNANT!]

All is Lost

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 95% critics, 87% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

A fascinating voyage across a vast ocean, and into the great uncharted waters of our selves. – Stephen Whitty, Newark Star-Ledger

Chandor proves that the elements, combined with the varied and subtle talents of a veteran actor, are all that is needed to make a captivating, nail-biting thriller. – Claudia Puig, USA Today

Armchair Analysis: Who gets lost at sea anymore? Except maybe women captains, AM I RIGHT???

[Vince’s Note: “Into the great uncharted waters of our selves” hahahahahaha. That perfectly sums up the kind of rave review that makes me never want to see something.]