Weekend Movie Guide: Even Kate Upton Can't Save Three Stooges

Opening Everywhere: Three Stooges, The Cabin in the Woods, Lockout

FilmDrunk Suggests: I’m gonna go with Lockout on this one. It looks like it has a lot of entertainment potential and Vince didn’t think it was all that bad. Otherwise, I’m going to stay in and keep writing new movie ideas in my dream journal and praying that someone from Hollywood will steal it. It’s worth it.

Three Stooges

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 46% critics, 71% audience, 0% of people who thought we’d finally rid ourselves of Will Sasso

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The imbecilic ‘Stooges’ still manages to pummel you into submission with 92 minutes of relentless stupidity. Even by Stooges standards, it’s overly juvenile and totally dumb. What I didn’t expect was for it to be so dated and out of touch with what modern audiences find funny. ‘You haven’t changed a bit,’ one character tells the Three Stooges. Maybe they should have, though. Just a little.” – Sean O’Connell, Washington Post

“The main problem is that the Stooges really weren’t built for distance. Their enduring popularity is due mainly to the nearly 200 short films they made in their heyday, not their few forgotten features. The Farrelly Bros. recognize this, and split the movie up into three connected shorts, but it’s to little avail.” – Peter Howell, Toronto Star

Armchair Analysis: I’m not going to pretend to be some lifelong fan of the classic Three Stooges TV shows, because I watched them as a kid in the 80s and I just never connected with humor from the 30s and 40s. Also, Shemp really creeped me out. But I’ve always respected that people of other generations considered the Stooges to be comedy icons and pioneers in slapstick humor.

From the looks of this new Three Stooges take from the Farrelly brothers, I don’t think they really respect the original product, and that seems to be the general consensus of most critics. However, I won’t crap on someone’s effort to introduce a classic institution to a new generation as a means of keeping the legend alive. But much like the original Stooges, I just have no interest in watching the sorely out-of-touch Farrellys and their new version.

The Cabin in the Woods

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 92% critics, 81% audience… seriously?

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Although not flawless, ‘The Cabin in the Woods’ is endlessly inventive and speeds along with a giddy, infectious energy. It’s a rare bait and switch where what you get is far better than what you were expecting.” – Rafer Guzman, Newsday

“While some of the one-liners are funny, the only reason I could think of to keep watching is to learn what the overarching reason behind the setup might be. When this answer is delivered, though, it’s weak, and it is given in the clunkiest possible way: A new character simply walks onscreen and explains the back story. Worse: It’s a celebrity cameo. Worse still: The ‘reveal’ nullifies everything the protagonists have been trying to do.” – Kyle Smith, NY Post (This dude doesn’t like any movies, mind you.)

Armchair Analysis: The idea sounds interesting enough and a surprising amount of critics obviously love it. That said, I’ll most likely watch The Cabin in the Woods on the Blu Ray player in my living room. *golf swing*


Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 29% critics, 62% audience, 100% people who knew they were going to see a movie about a space prison

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Lockout may never get quite as silly-inspired as ‘oxygen-fed weapons’ again, but it does a fine job of continually coming up with obstacle after obstacle for our two leads to dodge — not the least of which happens to be good, old-fashioned logic.” – My good buddy William Goss,

“Besson, whose producing and directing credits include ‘Le Dernier Combat,’ the ‘Transporter’ series, ‘The Professional,’ ‘La Femme Nikita,’ ‘The Fifth Element’ and ‘District B13,’ is the closest thing France has to a George Lucas or Steven Spielberg. But ‘Lockout’ is his ‘Cowboys & Aliens.’” – James Verniere, Boston Herald (Aw yeah, someone just said my magic words…)

Armchair Analysis: One of these days I’m going to write a novel about my fascination with people who tear movies like Cowboys & Aliens – and in this case Lockout – to shreds. I may never comprehend why someone walks into movies like these – or hell, Star Wars and Indiana Jones, because at their cores they are not the best movies – and thinks they’re about to see the greatest films in history. These movies are created purely for silly entertainment. Lockout doesn’t look like Lawrence of Arabia. It looks like a dude shooting his way through a giant space prison. If you want good acting, a flawless story and something to sniff farts to, watch The Artist. If you want to turn off your brain and enjoy a fun story, that’s what this movie was created for.