Weekend Movie Guide: Foreheads Of Fire!

Opening Everywhere or Somewhere: Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, The Secret World of Arietty, This Means War, Bullhead

FilmDrunk Suggests: Vince really liked Bullhead, in case you haven’t read his review, so if it’s available near you, go check that out and tell people that you saw it because you read Vince’s review. Otherwise, I really liked Safe House, because it was a lot of fun watching Ryan Reynolds get his ass kicked. It was like Van Wilder: The Rise of Bourne.

Also, if you’re hanging out in the San Fran area, make sure you swing on by Vince’s screening of The FP. Check out event details here on the ol’ Facebook, and tell them Burnsy sent ya. They’ll ask, “Who?” but they know. Those kidders, they know.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 13% critics, 63% audience, 75% skeleton bikers

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“It’s still a profoundly silly mash-up of comic book and quasi-religious ‘prophecy’ about a motorcyclist who sold his soul to the devil, who transforms into a flaming avenger hurtling out of hell when the need arises. But this time around, Cage and everybody else on board are in on the joke.” – Roger Moore, Dallas Morning News

“Reliably eccentric by this point in his career, Cage drops his jellybean-munching Elvis schtick from the first Ghost Rider but rarely ramps things up to match the consistently nonsensical directorial demeanor. The closest thing to a straight man around, Elba doles out exposition and gunfire dutifully, while Placido (The American) takes over for Eva Mendes in the eye-candy department.” – My dear friend William Goss,

Armchair Analysis: Look, I don’t know why this sequel was made. The first Ghost Rider was just a terrible movie, which sucks because I loved the Ghost Rider comic back when I was all nerdy and not this rugged slice of man that you see before you today. I don’t know if it’s the false sense of security that I’ve felt since being pleasantly surprised by the quality of Thor, Captain America and X-Men: First Class (I even liked The Losers in a guilty pleasure sense) but I’m willing to give Nic Cage another chance here. He really wanted this sequel to happen because even he recognized that the first effort sucked, so I reluctantly admit that I’m going to see this. I know, famous last words.

The Secret World of Arrietty

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 93% critics, 84% audience, 5% of a regular person

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Often, ‘Arrietty’ creates a mood instead of having fun. Shawn is a sickly and lonely boy, and his feelings for this tiny girl border on an impossible yearning. Hiromasa Yonebayashi, a Ghibli animator making his directing debut, excels at painting wistful afternoons — fading light, gentle breezes — but his action scenes are mostly low-key. It’s an enjoyable and attractive-looking film, but a little of that ‘Speed Racer’ energy wouldn’t have been such a bad thing.” – Rafer Guzman, Newsday (What, no Jeremy Lin references?)

“But this gorgeous little movie is sure to be beloved by your little people, who may discover what it means to find a magical beauty in the things we can’t altogether see.” – Amy Joyce, Washington Post (*vomits into hands* Look! A metaphor!)

Armchair Analysis: The commercials for this kids film freak me the F out. What if these little people are real and they’re actually living outside of our homes, between the blades of grass and stealing from us? The way this economy is going, it’s just not fair that I’ve got to support these little thieves. Well, I’ll tell you what – my grass is getting some extra pesticide this weekend just in case.

This Means War

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 24% critics, 72% audience, 0% Gyllenhaals

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“This is a movie that melds James Bond and romantic comedy, with running filthy commentary from Chelsea Handler. And thanks to some slick shyster direction from former Kalamazoo kid McG, the whole sublimely stupid mess works.” – Tom Long, Detroit News (Oh sweet mercy, that’s the worst paragraph of the year so far.)

“The director is McG, who, in two ‘Charlie Angels’ (sic) movies, has already trod this gravelly road of sex and action. In that series, at least, he could sustain a wink. The sexiness was funny, and the women were in on the gags, co-owners of the fantasy the movie was selling.” – Wesley Morris, Boston Globe (This dude liked the Charlie’s Angels movies but hated this. RED FLAG!)

Armchair Analysis: I like Chris Pine, and I want to be best friends with Tom Hardy. I also really like spy movies, and I find Reese Witherspoon rather pleasant to look at. That said, *loooooooooooooooong fart noise* to McG and Chelsea Handler. Enjoy this one, ladies. Me and the boys will be playing golf.


Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 85% critics, 80% audience, 100% JUICED UP CATTLE FARMERS, YOU PUSSIES!

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“In that sense and others, Bullhead quietly subverts expectation. A GoodFellas set among the hormone mafia may not sound like a great movie, but Roskam subtly steers it toward intense and agonizing character study, with the bovine-supplement angle raising the stakes and dredging up the past.” – Scott Tobias, NPR

“Schoenaerts capably handles a difficult role that’s equal parts pathetic, repulsive and heartbreaking. But you’ll need a strong will to spend your time with such a tragically hopeless character.” – Elizabeth Weitzman, NY Daily News

Armchair Analysis: A critic’s delight, for sure, as even our own beloved stone-hearted Vince liked this meat-trading thriller. It sounds great, especially based on Vince’s glowing review if you didn’t read it, but I’d rather see a movie called Boar’s Head, about a half pound of Sausalito going into my tummy. YUMMY YUM YUM!