Weekend Movie Guide: An Original Horror Idea

Opening Everywhere: Texas Chainsaw 3D

Opening Everywhere… again: Promised Land

FilmDrunk Suggests: Go outside and toss a ball around or maybe go adopt a puppy. Good God, do anything that will make sure that Texas Chainsaw doesn’t make any money so we can discourage this repetitive nonsense. Or – holy sh*t – maybe the world really did end on Dec. 21. Are we even here? Is this limbo? Purgatory? This can’t be hell, because I still have all of my Kate Upton GIFs.

Texas Chainsaw 3D

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 41% critics, 75% audience (100% people who juice numbers, apparently)

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“In-your-face 3D and a half-hearted attempt at psychological complexity add little to this umpteenth Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie.” – Frank Scheck, Hollywood Reporter

“Truth be told, the most frightening thing about the franchise at this point is that it just keeps on going.” – My very close friend William Goss,

Armchair Analysis: Everyone close your eyes and just try to imagine how this went down…

Movie Exec 1: “Hey does anyone have $50 million I can borrow?”

Movie Exec 2: “Sorry, I just bought a mountain of cocaine and a yacht for my hookers. Maybe next month.”

Movie Exec 3: “Yeah, and I just had a pregnant girl… taken care of. So I’m tight until the next paycheck. Do you have anyone you can blackmail?”

Movie Exec 1: “Nah, I’m good.” (calls secretary) “Hey Cheryl, give one of the janitors a director’s chair and hire some of those background models and a rapper. Tell them to make a Texas Chainsaw movie and then book my trip to that island where I hunt humans.”


Promised Land

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 50% critics, 39% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“It’s as if the people behind Promised Land only agreed to make the movie if there was an unambiguous ‘policy statement’ at the end, and that’s what we’re subjected to.” – James Berardinelli, ReelViews

“‘Promised Land’ is a fine place to start appreciating Matt Damon, who always makes it seem as if everybody else is acting and he’s just going through the movie being natural.” – Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle

Armchair Analysis: I thought this came out in full release last week, but I guess it was limited. Either way, unless you like your movies preachy and full of moral lessons, this is a pretty lame weekend at the theaters. So I recommend that you find a new hobby this weekend. Maybe crocheting. Or amateur porn. Whatever.