FlipBoard
Opening Everywhere: Texas Chainsaw 3D
Opening Everywhere… again: Promised Land
FilmDrunk Suggests: Go outside and toss a ball around or maybe go adopt a puppy. Good God, do anything that will make sure that Texas Chainsaw doesn’t make any money so we can discourage this repetitive nonsense. Or – holy sh*t – maybe the world really did end on Dec. 21. Are we even here? Is this limbo? Purgatory? This can’t be hell, because I still have all of my Kate Upton GIFs.
Texas Chainsaw 3D
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 41% critics, 75% audience (100% people who juice numbers, apparently)
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“In-your-face 3D and a half-hearted attempt at psychological complexity add little to this umpteenth Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie.” – Frank Scheck, Hollywood Reporter
“Truth be told, the most frightening thing about the franchise at this point is that it just keeps on going.” – My very close friend William Goss, Film.com
Armchair Analysis: Everyone close your eyes and just try to imagine how this went down…
Movie Exec 1: “Hey does anyone have $50 million I can borrow?”
Movie Exec 2: “Sorry, I just bought a mountain of cocaine and a yacht for my hookers. Maybe next month.”
Movie Exec 3: “Yeah, and I just had a pregnant girl… taken care of. So I’m tight until the next paycheck. Do you have anyone you can blackmail?”
Movie Exec 1: “Nah, I’m good.” (calls secretary) “Hey Cheryl, give one of the janitors a director’s chair and hire some of those background models and a rapper. Tell them to make a Texas Chainsaw movie and then book my trip to that island where I hunt humans.”
Scene.
Promised Land
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 50% critics, 39% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“It’s as if the people behind Promised Land only agreed to make the movie if there was an unambiguous ‘policy statement’ at the end, and that’s what we’re subjected to.” – James Berardinelli, ReelViews
“‘Promised Land’ is a fine place to start appreciating Matt Damon, who always makes it seem as if everybody else is acting and he’s just going through the movie being natural.” – Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle
Armchair Analysis: I thought this came out in full release last week, but I guess it was limited. Either way, unless you like your movies preachy and full of moral lessons, this is a pretty lame weekend at the theaters. So I recommend that you find a new hobby this weekend. Maybe crocheting. Or amateur porn. Whatever.
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I hate to be the one to break this to you Fried, but I think your neighbor’s mother is a high-priced whore.
At $68 an hour? I think she’s just a very hard-working one.
Good point. She must round not pro-rate her hourly price.
DDDAAAAAMMMMMOOOOOOONNNNN!!!
I’m pretty certain having a pregnant girl… taken care of… costs a lot less than a mountain of cocaine, even without a hooker-friendly yacht.
Not when it really is a *girl* that’s pregnant and that whole “taken care of” thing involves her whole extended family. Trust me, I… gotta go.
The point is that the execs spent all their money on taking care of a pregnant girl and a yacht full of hookers, so they had none left to produce the movie. How much those items cost in comparison to producing a movie is irrelevant. What is relevant is that they were so expensive, they had no money left over.
Amateur porn crocheting could be your next all-encompassing interest. Give it a try!
Promised Land: probably brought to you by celebs who invested in solar energy and are willing to bash the natural gas industry with half assed ideas in the hopes that it will change the way people think and they can make money. Also, Obama.
Eh, Texas Chainsaw stars the smoking hot busty girl from the excellent “Charlie and Dee Find Love” episode of It’s Always Sunny. Plus Ben Linus’ now hot daughter from Lost is in it. So can it be all that bad?
yes :((((((((((((
I’ve had a boner for her since she was in Percy Jackson and the Olympians. Isn’t the other girl from Lost? She’s sexually appealing as well. I’d also like to touch her in a sensual manner.
I’ll just get a girl pregnant and then…take care of her this weekend. You know, in a loving, supportive kind of way. But I promise you Filmdrunkards, when I’m riding her, or she’s riding me cause I’m lazy that way, I’ll be thinking of Baby Goose and Sean Penn’s horribly prosthetic face coming up next weekend.
I love watching a film’s marketing department waffle on how to market a movie. I have seen Promised Land advertised as a heartfelt drama with people YELLING ABOUT WHAT IS RIGHT, and I have seen it marketed as a light-hearted comedy.
These two movies need to be combined. C’mon, it’s the age of the mash up.
Matt Damon goes to buy the property from the Sawyer family and Leatherface lectures him about the damages that hydraulic fracturing can do to the local environment. I’d pay to watch that.
my best friend’s mom makes $87/hr on the internet. She has been fired for 10 months but last month her income was $14898 just working on the internet for a few hours. Read more on this web site…… BIT40.ℂOℳ
Of course the secretary’s name is Cheryl.. or is it Carol? whatever.