Listen up, p*ssylickers, here’s where I give you the rundown on all the new crap that’s in theaters this week.
LIMITLESS: “What if there was a drug… that turned Bradley Cooper into an awesomely handsome super-smart math billionaire?”
RottenTomatoes Score: 63%
Gratuitous Review quotes:
“Limitless hits you like an adrenaline rush that will have you saying, ‘I’ll have what he’s having.'” -Peter Travers (my God, Peter Travers, what have they done to you?)
“Limitless” may please a few looking for a shallow fantasy thriller, but won’t fire up the synapses of the intellectually demanding.” -Kyle Smith, NY Post
“The movie is too chaotic to be very good. But it’s fun and not stupid, which is something.” -Wesley Morris, Boston Globe
Armchair Analysis: This movie might be a tough sell in America. “So this pill that makes you super smart: does it make your dick bigger?”
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THE LINCOLN LAWYER: Matthew McConaughey is a LAWYER, who drives around town in a LINCOLN. “Your honor, this here whole SYSTEM is out of order. (*takes off shirt, starts playing bongos*) Alright alright alright.”
RottenTomatoes: 80% (seriously? 80%)
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“This is rock-solid entertainment. McConaughey, a cunning mesmerizer in the courtroom, steers this Lincoln into what could be a hell-raising franchise.” -Peter Travers, Rolling Stone. (Jesus, he’s suggesting sequels now).
“Calling big-screen legal thriller “The Lincoln Lawyer” the best TV pilot I’ve seen in a while really isn’t meant as a putdown — the truth is, there’s more good stuff on the tube these days than in theaters, especially at this time of the year.” -Lou Lumenick, NY Post
Armchair Analysis: From the reviews, this sounds like the best movie I’ll never see since The Hours.
PAUL: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and CGI Seth Rogen party like it’s 1989. Well, movie nerd 1989, anyway.
RottenTomatoes: 68%
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“…drowns in geek butter; every scene is stuffed with winks, nods and Easter eggs, a cavalcade of inside jokes, including a honky-tonk band playing Mos Eisley cantina music with fiddles.” -Corey Hall, Detroit Metro Times.
“‘Paul’ is more a bagful of giggles. Rogen is a nonstop hoot, but it’s the byplay between Frost and Pegg that roots the laughs in characters we care about.” -Peter Travers, Rolling Stone. (‘A bagful of giggles?!?!?’ Seriously, it’s time for an intervention.)
“A reference-laden road trip/chase yukfest that doesn’t quite capture that same Spaced magic but is eventually just so likable it is hard to knock its flaws too much.” -Erik Childress, efilmcritic
Armchair Analysis: (*throws away armchair*) I reviewed it, so you can hear exactly what I thought of it. I agree with that third quote about 90%.
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WIN WIN: High school wrestling coach Paul Giamatti takes in an underprivileged retard who joins his team and teaches him how to feel again through singlets and grappling. Or as I like to call it, “Dramatic Ladybugs with Wrestling.”
RottenTomatoes: 92%
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Its unfussy realism makes every funny moment and painful setback seem well-earned and believable.” -Tasha Robinson, Onion A/V Club.
“This movie wins you over, head and heart, without cheating. It’s just about perfect.” -Peter Travers, Rolling Stone. (He didn’t say “it pins you to the floor,” which is small comfort. Oh, Rolling Stone, please give Mr. Travers his balls back.)
“The movie is amiable and funny but a little timid.” -David Denby, New Yorker
Armchair Analysis: I actually saw this one last week but still haven’t gotten around to writing a full review. It’s enjoyable. Very “indie movie”, if you know what I mean. The main kid is a great actor. The one thing I couldn’t figure out is how Paul Giamatti is a lawyer but also coaches high school wrestling. Don’t you have to work at the school to coach sports? They don’t just let you in a locker room full of sweaty 15-year-olds in singlets without a background check, do they? No, seriously, I’m asking.