Weekend Movie Guide: Scary Movie V, As In ‘Very Last One, Please’

04.12.13 5 years ago 12 Comments
You’re better than this, Sara Hyland.

Opening Everywhere: Scary Movie 5, 42

FilmDrunk Suggests: If someone puts a gun to your head and says, “You must go see Scary Movie 5”, well, I will miss you. Otherwise, if you have to see a new movie this weekend, go see the baseball story that everyone already knows, but that nobody gets tired of hearing.

Wait, this is hilarious because Rise of the Planet of the Apes was horror.

Scary Movie 5

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 0% critics, 79% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes

“Spoofing movies ranging from Black Swan to Mama to Paranormal Activity, this installment of the profitable series is woefully, painfully unfunny.” – Frank Scheck, Hollywood Reporter

“It stinks!” – Jay Sherman

Armchair Analysis: I don’t even want to talk about these stupid movies anymore. If I win Powerball this weekend, I will quit all six of my jobs and spend the rest of my life producing quality parody movies like Top Secret. Our children’s children deserve better.

“And I was like, aliens? The f*ck Indiana Jones know about some aliens?”


Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 72% critics, 82% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes

“A stirring, straightforward and ultimately soaring portrayal of Robinson’s historic entry into Major League Baseball in 1947.” – Ann Hornaday, Washington Post

“An inspiring, old-school biopic that doesn’t pull any punches in depicting the ugly racism that Jackie Robinson faced on a daily basis as the first African-American player in Major League Baseball.” – Lou Lumenick, NY Post

Armchair Analysis: As someone who loves baseball movies a little too much and still believes in America’s pastime as a romantic subject that makes for good storytelling, I wouldn’t have a problem if someone decided to make the a Jackie Robinson movie every five years as a way of retelling a very important story about a truly special man.

I would, however, also like to see a few other guys have their stories told. Maybe Roberto Clemente, who could have been the greatest player ever if not for that plane crash. Perhaps Curt Flood, who helped foster a new era of free agency. How about Stan Musial, who is widely regarded as the game’s finest gentleman? Won’t someone tell the amazing story of Rusty Kuntz?

I guess only time will tell.

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