FilmDrunk

Where Are They Now: Child Stars Of The ’90s Edition

Hey, we’re old. Did you know that? No matter what your age is, you are old. How do I know this? Well, in the ‘90s there were movies and television shows that you watched. Remember movies and television shows? The people who starred in those shows and movies have aged. Therefore, you too have aged. Not only is this a fact, it is science. Something us old people like to do is reminisce. We like to remember stuff from our past, and pretend that things were better back then. Dial up.

Okay look, I’ll be real. Nostalgia is fun and all, but I really need an article to go viral. I have found through extensive research (looking at my Facebook feed) that talking about the ‘90s makes an article go stupid viral. VHS tapes. Tamagatchis. So I got to thinkin’, what ‘90s article can I write that will make people click “share” and “like” and “Nickelodeon Magazine”? I decided to go with a “Where Are They Now?” piece. We always want to know where an actor who used to be famous is at right now. Why aren’t they famous anymore? What the hell is wrong with them?

Well, ponder these deep questions no more. I have found out (made up) exactly what every child actor you miss is doing today. You’re welcome!

“Goosebumps”.

Larisa Oleynik

Better known as the girl who turned into some weird clear slime in “The Secret World of Alex Mack”, Oleynik now lives in Los Angeles. She is smart, beautiful, and wonderful and I wish she didn’t have a restraining order against me. Call me if you’re reading this! LOL. There is also a good chance that Oleynik was involved in the planning of America’s most infamous inside job, 9/11.


Jonathan Taylor Thomas

The middle child from “Home Improvement” that for some reason a lot of tween girls found attractive is doing pretty good for himself. He has four children, all named Dan. In 2003, he had an unfortunate accident with some hair dye, which bled into his brain. Today he can only say the phrases “cowabunga!” and “not in my backyard!”

 

Mara Wilson

Mara Wilson is best known for playing an evil witch in that pre-Harry Potter black magic film, Matilda. What is she doing now? Well, Mara ran for U.S. president four times, and lost only once. When she is not busy being the president of the United States, she likes to spend time with her husband, Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson.

Mike Maronna

Big Pete from “Pete & Pete” is now Marilyn Manson.

Danny Tamberelli

Little Pete from “Pete & Pete” is also Marilyn Manson.

The Cast of The Sandlot

After filming, the cast of this beloved film formed a polygamist cult and all moved to a deserted part of Guatemala. Their leader, the ginger, has convinced the rest of his cult that the end of the world will arrive in 2023–the year of the film’s 30th anniversary! They report that at that time they will, “drink the Kool-Aid”, whatever that means. Probably just thirsty from playing all that baseball!

The Other Girl From The Parent Trap

When the remake of this classic film came out, it turned Lindsay Lohan into a bonafide celebrity. However, why doesn’t anyone ever talk about the girl who played her identical twin sister? I attempted to contact her via the Internet, but her agent got back to me instead. “They’re the same person. Lindsay Lohan played both those parts.” Uhhh ok…pretty sure one of them was British. How do you explain that? This is obviously fabricated cover-up is very suspicious, and probably has something to do with the Illuminati.


Kel Mitchell

Kel from “Kenan & Kel” has literally died nine times. Every time he comes back to life, he is stronger. His eyes glow red. He is able to travel through space and time, as well as through several dimensions. People magazine recently interviewed him where he said: “I am going to destroy this planet. Soon all will be at my mercy.” Kind of like how Kel was at the mercy of…orange soda! Remember that?


Tommy Pickles

Tommy Pickles was a cartoon character, idiot.

Will Friedle

Will Friedle played Eric Mathews, the big brother of “Boy Meets World”. According to his publicist, he still lives in the year 2000. No one has the heart to tell him that over a decade has passed since Boy Meets World was on air. He shows up to set every day, even though the set is now an Urban Outfitters. On the plus side, Friedle owns over 600 pairs of skinny jeans.

 

 Arnold from “Hey Arnold!”

Unlike Tommy Pickles, Arnold materialized and became a real human adult when this beloved Nickelodeon show ended. He died of a heroin overdose in 2005. RIP, Tommy Pickles.

 

 Francis Capra

Touchstone

The kid from Kazaam has sadly gone missing. His parents would really like to know where he is now. If anyone has heard of his whereabouts, please notify the Capra family immediately. Last seen on season 3 of Veronica Mars.

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