Most of us expected Will Smith and his dumb wiener kid promoting their new M. Night Shyamalan movie to be about the most insufferable thing ever, and the Smith gang, as usual, doesn’t disappoint when it comes to milquetoast dildodry. First, dad Will dropped by Letterman last night, and made sure everyone knows he still enjoys rap.
Witness, for example, Smith’s big Late Show entrance last night, which the CBS Orchestra thoughtfully underscored with the strains of “Summertime.” Once he recognized they were playing his song, the movie star couldn’t resist rapping along. And after he noticed that his mic wasn’t capturing his rhymes, Smith also couldn’t resist stealing one of the band’s microphones and starting his verse over from the beginning. [EW]
Jesus, just give him his own variety show already, where he can sing, act, dance, and give wise parenting advice in between mugging for the camera and talking about how thankful he is. Meanwhile, at an After Earth press junket, Smith made sure to drop a juicy nugget about possibly working with Kanye:
“I been, uh, messing around with Kanye, we’ve been in the studio together a couple times. I might get the bug. I’m not gonna do it unless I’m truly inspired. But.. yeah, he’s been pushing me a little bit.”
Will Smith and Kanye in the same room, my God, you could power Cowboys Stadium for a month if you built a turbine to catch that much compressed blowhard air.
Ahh, but it wouldn’t be a Smith press tour without his dumb wiener kids being foisted upon us at every opportunity, and for that, Jaden was on Jimmy Fallon, where the 14-year-old talked told us all about his clothing line, his mixtape… you know, regular kid stuff.
FALLON: You have your own clothing line, it’s called Misfits.
JADEN: It started out just me and my friends making clothes, because we didn’t like any of the clothes out. The clothes out didn’t fit us. So we started making our own clothes, like the drop-crotch pants.
Oh sure, I remember when me and my friends used to get together and dream about creating the perfect designer pant. YOU GO, JADEN! Living the dream!
Meanwhile, Jaden didn’t skip an opportunity to rap either:
After a ranging Late Night conversation about skateboarding, the movie, and how Jimmy Fallon’s an old man (at least compared to his guest), the Fresh Prince’s heir apparent grabbed a mic and performed a song off his mixtape The Cool Cafe with the Roots. Sample lyrics: “I might be tripping but I’m living how I’m living/I’m 14, I’ll be forgiven/ So forget it bro, I’m moving in.” Guess swagger doesn’t skip a generation. [EW]
God, that’s just everything wrong with media coverage of the Smiths in a nutshell, isn’t it? Has Will Smith incepted everyone?
So, here’s the thing about “swagger”: it’s only impressive when it’s something you’ve developed yourself through your own hard work. When you’re born rich, that’s not called “swagger,” it’s called being an asshole. Since when is it cool to brag about your dad’s money? Not that I blame Jaden Smith for being an asshole. I know people think he’s incredibly punchable, but it’s not really his fault. 14-year-olds are assholes. I was an asshole when I was 14. That’s why you need adults around to tell you what you need to hear at that age, like “shut up,” and “hey, maybe you should stop talking for a while.”
What you don’t need are a bunch of trained seals hanging around flapping their flippers together and telling you how great you are for inventing baggy pants. Go read a goddamn book. And get off my lawn.