It’s all about superheroes this week because today marks the home video release of Iron Man 3. So actually it’s all about a single superhero. You know what? That’s not quite true either, because there’s actually several movies hitting DVD today that don’t have anything to do with Iron Man or any other superhero. In fact, most of the movies don’t. Look, if I’m being perfectly honest only one of the movies deals with Iron Man, so it’s not all about superheroes this week really at all. It’s also about obsessed film fanatics and Jason Statham and teenage boys and unfinished songs and VHS tapes and French people and apartments and Dolph Lundgren and racially insensitive serial killers and robosapiens and Green Day.
Iron Man 3
The Kings Of Summer
In The House
Blood Of Redemption
Cody The Robosapien
Before we begin, I feel like I must make a minor clarification in regards to the above paragraph. There is another major superhero-themed home video release hitting store shelves today: The Dark Knight Trilogy Ultimate Collector’s Edition Blu-ray. Besides the three movies, it includes a book, exclusive special features, and three toy cars. You know what it doesn’t include? Any movies that are new to home video, so I don’t give a caped-crusading f*ck. Still, I thought I should mention it. Continue reading on the next page to find out about all the movies you haven’t already added to your DVD collection. It’ll be a lot of fun, I promise. I even mention Queen Latifah and LL Cool J. They don’t appear in any of the movies this week, I just know how you guys love the both of them so damn much.
The latest entry in Disney’s Marvel cash cow (until tonight, when their Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. television series debuts) is yet another movie that you’ve all seen and I have not. And I mean that almost literally: Iron Man 3 is, to date, the highest grossing film in the United States this year, with $409,013,994 taken in domestically –and with over $1.2 billion worldwide. So obviously, nothing I say matters (nor should it, as I haven’t seen the movie). Vince did though, and he loved it –giving it an “A-“ in his review– so if you’re somehow still on the fence about seeing this movie and strangely haven’t heard anything about it because you don’t have any friends, or the friends you do have haven’t seen it either, you might as well take his word for it. Vince’s enthusiasm aside, I kind of got the impression that a lot of people weren’t very impressed with this one, but again, that couldn’t matter less because it was a huge box-office success and part of an on-going series that is an even huger financial success so it doesn’t really matter what anyone actually thinks of the actual movie. We’ve all seen it or will inevitably see it because that’s just how Disney does business -in a word, profitably. On an interesting side note, while I have not yet seen this, the current leader for 2013’s domestic box office, I have seen the movie that is sitting at rock bottom of that list, Storage 24, with a whopping $72 total domestic (and worldwide) gross. I’ll be honest; it wasn’t that great. In fact, if they took some of the supporting characters and spun them off into their own TV show, I might not even watch it every week because I’m nothing if not carefully discerning in my viewing choices.
This is that documentary in which fans of Stanley Kubrick and his film The Shining go on and on about how amazing the film is and how Kubrick filled it with secret symbolism and hidden messages. Pretty much every critic on the planet loved this movie except for Armond White and our pal Vince, who insists the film will put most viewers to sleep. As someone who once lost an entire afternoon reading through web sites devoted to revealing The Shining’s secret meanings years before this film was released, I still look forward to seeing this movie. I don’t believe any of the crap these idiots spew, but I love The Shining, and I like to laugh at how stupid these people can seem when they fixate on the tiniest little detail and put so much emphasis on every aspect of something because they believe every last production decision is made with the express intent of layering in a hidden message or callback. It’s like they can’t accept that sometimes directors and their cinematographers like to use the same shot more than once and that it doesn’t have to mean anything. Or that oranges spilling and rolling onto the ground is usually just a tip of the hat to that famous scene from The Godfather and doesn’t always symbolize death. Or maybe the jacket’s pink because the person wearing it is a girl and it has nothing to do with the teddy bear which was only pink in the first place because the color contrasted well with the blue swimming pool water when they were filming the scene of the bear floating in the pool. ANYTHING CAN SYMBOLIZE DEATH WHEN EVERY CHARACTER EVENTUALLY DIES. I mean, just watch the f*cking movie and enjoy it. If a piece of entertainment needed a goddamn decoder ring just to be comprehended, well then that would make it a pretty terrible piece of entertainment now, wouldn’t it? If you can’t just sit back and watch The Shining and enjoy it for what it is maybe you should switch to the generally less artistic and more relaxed medium known as television. I hear Breaking Bad’s a pretty good show.
This Jason Statham movie –originally titled Hummingbird– got next to no promotion and only played on 19 screens in the U.S. If I had to guess why it wasn’t given more attention, I’d say it was because people were scared off because Statham’s playing against type. Yes, he’s still a suit-wearing violent loaner with a mysterious past and a personal code of ethics despite working in the criminal underworld, but this time his character also has hair. Until he shaves his head, I mean.
Hey remember last week when Somebody Up There Likes Me hit DVD? That was that indie film starring Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally that they decided to promote by making weird online videos with Alison Brie, even though she wasn’t even involved in the movie in any way. Well they’re all three actually in an indie movie together and it’s this one. Unfortunately this film doesn’t have the support of any ‘virile’ videos with Brie flashing bush and saying ‘pussy’, but there is a pretty promising red band trailer. The movie’s about three teenage boys who decide to build a house out in the woods and spend their summer there. To quote the official synopsis: