God bless America, it’s Tuesday and that means we’ve got another batch of new films hitting DVD and blu-ray to dissect. The headliner this week is Olympus Has Fallen, but it’s not the only heavy-hitter waiting to take a spin in your DVD player. We’ve also got movies starring Robert De Niro, Katherine Heigl, Diane Keaton, Amanda Seyfried, Topher Grace, Susan Sarandon, and Robin Williams. Actually, they’re all in the same movie, but still, we’ve got plenty of other movies starring your favorite actors, especially if you like older dudes like Robert Redford or Tommy Lee Jones. We’ve got rock jocks and punk rockers. We’ve got emperors and Italians. We’ve got kids playing soccer and grown-ups playing basketball. We’ve even got a documentary that made Vince cry!
Olympus Has Fallen
The Big Wedding
The Company You Keep
A Band Called Death
What Maisie Knew
The Hot Flashes
Lost & Found In Armenia
One of these films stars a convicted felon. Continue reading and you’ll find out which one it is. Another one of these films has inspired me to write a poem, which I’ve included in this column. If that doesn’t make you want to keep reading, nothing will.
The White House is under siege and Channing Tatum isn’t around to save the day, so Gerard Butler’s weird mouth will have to do. Yes, this is that other action film about the White House being attacked by terrorists. Obviously the other film, White House Down, got more FilmDrunk love because of Channing Tatum’s starring role, but was it actually the better movie? As it turns out, no. Despite White House Down having fantastic storyboards, Olympus Has Fallen seems to be the greater work of art. Olympus made more money on its opening weekend (on fewer screens, no less), and also made more for its domestic and worldwide box office totals, and was shot for less than half the budget of White House Down. (In fact, White House Down’s worldwide grosses are still $25 million short of its budget.) Ouch. Granted, the number of tickets sold rarely equates to quality, but it might as well as far as Hollywood is concerned. So Olympus Has Fallen wins the financial battle, but what of the critical debate? As always, we turn to the scientifically accurate data compiled by the professors of numberiological stuff at Rotten Tomatoes. White House Down has a disappointing 47% rating. In contrast, Olympus Has Fallen has an impressive 48%. Oh. Obviously, both films are terrible. It’s a shame, too. I so wanted there to be a crossover in which Gerard Butler and Channing Tatum have to team-up to take back Buckingham palace from terrorists while both men are coincidentally and inexplicably simultaneously vacationing in England. They could’ve called it White House Down 2: Olympus Has Fallen Again. Rihanna was going to play the Queen, Macklemore was in place to be the Prime Minister, I had it all planned out. You guys would’ve loved the storyboards.
One look at the box art for this rom-com should tell you everything you need to know. Look at how they all laugh and laugh! And just look at who’s lauging: there’s increasingly-more-shameless paycheck cashers like Robert De Niro and Robin Williams (as a priest)! There’s even Ms. Terrible Rom-Com herself, Katherine Heigl. If I didn’t know better, I’d think this was the same old, generically inoffensive romantic comedy that Hollywood gives us every other weekend. But I do know better because I’ve read Vince’s enlightening “C-“ review. Besides featuring sex scenes that include Robert De Niro performing cunnilngus –shot from the point of view of the vagina- the film is also fairly racist. It turns out there’s a Colombian character who, despite being a Harvard grad, still has future in-laws mortified of being seen eating with him –because, you see, he’s brown-skinned. Which brings me to the next point –the character, Alejandro, is played by a British dude with a spray on tan. They didn’t even cast an actor of color, despite surely trying to make a statement about racism. Oh well. As I’ve said, I’ve read Vince’s review and am so forewarned. (Oddly enough, I now want to see the movie more than I would’ve had I never read his review.) But what about those precious few souls left who don’t turn to FilmDrunk for all their movie news and reviews? Where can they turn? As always, my FilmDrunk-averse friends have another website that is only looking out for their best movie interests; The Dove Foundation. Normally Dove avoids R-rated films, but surely they too were duped into a false sense of safety by the generic poster, title, and cast. Their trauma is our gain. This is probably the best Dove Worldview (0 out of 5 Doves) I’ve read in some time, and I present it in its entirety: