(These Pokemon are the work of David Rappoccio. You can find him on Twitter at @drawplaydave.)
Pokemon Go may have faded a bit since it took the world by storm several months ago, but the impact it had of bringing the joy of catching ’em all back into public consciousness cannot be overstated. Pokemon may be viewed as a silly kids game by the generations that missed it as kids, but it’s clear by now that Pokemon isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. So just for funsies, let’s mash it up with the NFL, since football has returned for the season to take over the world for another year.
This will not be another case of “matching the NFL team with a Pokemon with flimsy reasoning for cheap clicks.” No. We’re not that lazy. This is every team as a newly invented pokemon. Let’s get this pokeball rolling.
New Orleans Saints – Allezgator
Allezgator is a Water Pokemon that is found frequently in swampy marshes. It can be dangerous as it has a very strong bite attack, but its defense is just terrible so it’s pretty easy to take it out. You can tell if one is nearby by its trademark call “Who Dat.”
Atlanta Falcons – Reaptor
Reaptor is frequently found in starting areas, and is a great early starter Pokemon to have, but experienced trainers move on from Reaptor pretty quickly as it doesn’t have a lot of versatility.
Carolina Panthers – Gameplanther
Type: Psychic, Normal
Gameplanther has incredible powers of hearing and can plan an attack before you even have a chance to know it’s there. Gameplanther is very aggressive and is viewed by many trainers as an obnoxious showboat for the dance it does after a successful attack.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Buccannon
Buccannon can frequently be found by the seashore, gathered in packs near old structures, and they attack anything that gets close. Its water cannon is incredibly powerful but not terribly accurate. However, it’s not a very mobile Pokemon.
New York Giants – Biggalugg
Biggalug is a prized Pokemon for city dwellers and is used as bodyguard types against a hostile gang who call themselves The Patriots. It’s very hard to move and very powerful, but when toppled over it gets hurt easily and then can be walked all over.
Philadelphia Eagles – Hoagieagle
Hoagieagle is a strong bird capable of blowing incredible wind attacks and using its loud BOOOOOOOOO call to disorientate attackers.
Washington Redskins – Asluhr
Hangs out in tall grass and attacks anyone who thinks lowly of it with extreme ferocity. The evolved form, Notasluhr, is two Asluhrs standing on one another explaining to you how it’s not offensive.
Dallas Cowboys – Lassobra
Type: Ground, Poison
The Lassobra has a very potent poison bite, but it frequently gets in its own way when trying to attack.
Detroit Lions – Futilo
This Pokemon is physically imposing but happens to be very weak and is incapable of camouflage due to the size of its mane.
Green Bay Packers – Curdemon
Most commonly found in the grass pretty much anywhere, this Pokemon is identifiable by its pungent odor.
Minnesota Vikings – Pillagent
Pillagent is found only in icy regions to the north. A very stout Pokemon with incredible defense but poor attack.
Chicago Bears – Ursaloof
Despite its size, Ursaloof has a calm demeanor isn’t very dangerous. It likes to hang out in parks and is attracted to cigarette smoke.
San Francisco 49ers – Minore
Type: Rock, Ground
Only found deep in caves in the coast, Minore is frequently sought out for its glamour but it can be very dangerous if underestimated.
Arizona Cardinals – Interceptalon
Found in desert climates if you can find one at all. Patrols the high winds looking for prey, and strikes very fast and strong once it has a victim in its sights.
Seattle Seahawks – Cornerbeak
Type: Flying, Water
Lingering along coastlines, they can be found in large packs of 12 and frequently gang up on prey. A single Cornerbeak can be extremely elusive to capture.
Los Angeles Rams – Scram
A small but powerful migrating Pokemon that never stays in one location for very long. Nomads that can deliver a vicious strike if grossly underestimated.
Indianapolis Colts – Bastallion
Said to be the luckiest Pokemon in existence, the Bastillion almost always manages to connect with attacks.
Houston Texans – Trubbull
Trubbull attacks by throwing itself violently at its victim as hard as possible, and as a consequence frequently gets itself stuck in trees and various other things.
Tennessee Titans – Tennesspear
Type: Fire, Fighting
A very hard Pokemon to find, it’s often completely forgotten about until it strikes once in a blue moon.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Failine
A docile Pokemon, it is frequently used as a common housepet. It has a fondness for swimming pools.
New York Jets – Embairass
Type: Flying, Steel
Very dangerous and capable of dealing high damage to its prey, but has not quite learned to to control its flight and is prone to crashing.
Miami Dolphins – Tealphin
Tealphins are frequently accidentally caught in fishing nets by fishermen looking to catch Magikarps. They annoy captors by blowing seawater into their faces.
New England Patriots – Sweaterror
Type: Ghost, Psychic
The most feared and powerful Pokemon in the land. Very few trainers have managed to capture one, as the Sweaterror can anticipate every move before it happens and strikes without warning.
Buffalo Bills – Buffohno
Type: Ice, Normal
A frequent sight in snowy northern fields. Buffohnos are frequently intoxicated by super potions and will crash through tables.
Cleveland Browns – Cantnine
Found abandoned in city lots, this pathetic Pokemon will try to attack but the large cone around its neck will prevent it from connecting with a bite.
Baltimore Ravens – Nevairmore
Debate rages in the Pokemon trainer community about whether or not the Nevairmore is an #elite battle Pokemon. To this day nobody knows.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Steelorb
A nuisance in construction sites, Steelorbs have the ability to fuse themselves to any strong metals and often form impenetrable curtains.
Cincinnati Bengals – Penaltiger
The Penaltiger is a formidable foe when found in the wild, but is actually a coward who will slink away and pout when forced to participate in an important battle.
San Diego Chargers – Posibolt
Posibolts are found in power plants and are capable of sending out charges from their tesla coil-like heads. They are, however, very easy to overload.
Kansas City Chiefs – Flairrowhead
The Flairrowhead’s projectiles only travel less than 20 yards but fortunately it is very stout when in close quarters combat.
Oakland Raiders – Trimace
This Pokemon likes to spin attack its prey and can smash through pretty much anything when at full speed.
Denver Broncos – Elquine
This Pokemon is very fast, and when stalking prey likes to emit a cloud of poison gas from glands under its tail to confuse and disable prey before the sack.