‘Destiny’: A Tongue-In-Cheek Player’s Guide

Bungie recently delivered the not-at-all fate-tempting title Destiny, a video game that has taken the gaming world by storm both because it’s been hyped for years and because there is not a single thing else to play for a solid month. But there’s still some confusion: Is Destiny right for you? Hence, we’ve written a brief guide to help you better understand the most hyped game of the year.

What’s the plot of Destiny?

On paper it’s something about a big giant ball and Darkness and something, humanity is on the brink of destruction, blah blah blah. Despite this, the game has an upbeat tone with soaring choirs and excellent music.

In the playing, Peter Dinklage wants you to shoot aliens in the face; he will never explain why you’re doing this, or even why they want to shoot you in the face, but they’re disgusting bug people, evil robots, and leftover concept art from Halo, and as all gamers know, we can not negotiate with any of those species. Even though the game does kind of imply they’re all from ruined civilizations just like your own and are desperately struggling to survive as well. Ah, screw it. EAT LEAD, INSECT SCUM!

Who can I play as?

There are three character classes: The Warlock, who can take two bullets before dying; the Titan, who the Warlocks hide behind while recovering health; and the Hunter, who brings knives to a gunfight.

Do I need the Internet to play Destiny?

Yes! Even in story instances where there is no other player, and thus no reason to be connected to the Internet, giving you the valuable opportunity to have your connection crap out at exactly the moment you’re about to finish off a miniboss, leaving your digital bloodlust to throb unsatiated. This also means you can’t pause the game, for any reason, without risking death.

But Destiny has so much more to offer than story missions you can’t finish because Comcast had a brain fart! There are also firestrikes, where you team up with two other players to fight through murder rooms, spend fifteen minutes shooting a miniboss in the exact same place, and have everyone on the team unlock that revival achievement in about five minutes. Or you could play in the Crucible, a competitive multiplayer environment with zero matchmaking, so basically you have to beat the game to simply not die repeatedly during a match!

Can I play Destiny with my friends?

Yes, although you’ll need to pick the two you want to play with the most, since there’s three man fireteams and that’s where it stops. Although considering how much the Internet is whining about this, expect that to change.

I’m an introvert. Do I have to interact with other people?

No! Bungie has wisely realized most people don’t play video games to interact with humans, and has stripped away anything that might resemble that. You just shoot aliens in the face, take your loot and go your separate ways. It’s like hooking up, but with less regret and more emotional gain!

What are the maps like in Destiny?

They are vast, open worlds you will get to know intimately because the game dumps you in the exact same spot on the map no matter what you’re doing. Going on patrol? Going on a story mission? Hope you like hoverbiking! Also, hope you’ve got a good sense of spatial relations, because Bungie somehow missed the memo that you can include maps for players to refer to.

But the game makes up for it with rich, deep maps to explore full of minibosses and strange surprises, most of which will kill you in three minutes or less, and the rest will fold like paper and cough up gear two levels below your current experience grade that you were probably just going to dismantle for money anyway, so no biggie. Also, you’d better get comfy poking around because there are only four maps to play on and ten hours of story, so if you want your money’s worth, better get cracking.

Is Destiny pretty?

Very! Even on last-gen hardware it looks great. Which is a good thing since you will have at least one patrol mission that boils down to “stand on this and look at how pretty we are!”

Should I buy Destiny?

Sure! Let’s face it, if you own a console, it’s pretty much the only game in town until October, when you get to trade off ineffectively shooting aliens in the face and dying a lot for… uh… ineffectively shooting aliens in the face and dying a lot.

(Joking aside, I am actually enjoying Destiny. Especially when I can hide behind a Titan.)

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