‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’ Had Completely Incompetent Bad Guys

For the five of you who haven’t seen it yet, we’ll avoid above-the-cut spoilers. Suffice to say Captain America: The Winter Soldier features a vast and dangerous threat. Well-funded. Well-staffed. Well-equipped. And they’re total morons.

Yes, we said it: HYDRA, in this movie, turns out to be pretty incompetent. In fact, it’s kind of amazing that they managed to get as far as they did. To wit, here are just four ways their master plan was pretty blatantly flawed.

Why Did They Assume Nick Fury Was Dead?

HYDRA has access to the same files Nick does; if nothing else, they know that Fury went to a shocking amount of time and expense to bring Phil Coulson back to life for a TV series. And certainly Alexander Pierce has to know that his close friend/target is the single wiliest spymaster in the history of spying on stuff. Essentially they probably should have torched the corpse.

Then again, it probably would also have turned out to be a Life Model Decoy, so really, no matter how you slice it, HYDRA was screwed.

And They Were Going To Do What With Cap?

The elevator fight, where in a dozen guys in an enclosed space discover that Captain America doesn’t really need that much room to beat you like a speedbag, is a highly entertaining scene and a terrible plan. This is a man who helped defeat an alien invasion with his fists and a giant indestructible frisbee. So, do they cut the cable on the elevator? Have the Winter Soldier cap him in the head from 500 yards? Blow up his apartment with a missile launcher?

Nah, they send twelve guys Cap probably trained with some stun batons and handcuffs, because Cap obviously has no grasp of the concept of “kicking people in the face.” Fun fact: Your legs are up to three times stronger than your arms, and this movie makes Cap punching some poor sucker for a field goal a fairly regular thing. We’re not ruling out that these guys are being punished, though, because anybody with half a brain can see the end result of this one.

Puny Banner Would Like A Word With You

Yes, HYDRA, getting three automated suborbital weapons platforms and sniping twenty million people is a stunning evil and clever idea. One problem, though: One of those people is Bruce Banner. The movies to this point have pretty firmly established that shooting Bruce Banner in the back of the head, or anywhere else, doesn’t end well. And yet…

Here’s a brief preview of what would have happened to HYDRA about ten seconds after they pulled off their master plan:

And You’d Do What About Thor?

Finally, if the green indestructible rage monster couldn’t finish everything off, there is the small matter of the dimension-hopping space aliens with technology so advanced it’s indistinguishable from magic. Loki may be on the throne as Odin, but Thor’s still running around Midgard. He also does not enjoy seeing his friends injured or killed. What were you going to do? Chuck the Cosmic Cube at him?

Essentially, HYDRA needs better organizational skills and more flexible leadership if it wants to continue to be a credible threat in the current Marvel Universe. They should look for better leadership: Might we recommend Justin Hammer?