So it’s Halloween. Maybe you haven’t had a chance to get to the costume shop. Maybe you went last night and discovered there are corpses in the desert that have been less picked over. Either way, you’re up the creek, right? Nope, you can still get a costume. And with minimal work, too!
Here are five costumes, most of which I’ve jury-rigged myself and which are simple to gender-flip, that are generally clever enough to work. Keep in mind the true spirit of the holiday is consuming things that are bad for you and watching bad movies, so anybody busting your chops is an ass.
What You’ll Need: White mask, red hoodie, white duct tape.
Optional Item: Gold spraypaint
Anarky, as Batman: Arkham Origins players and hardcore DC fans know, is a Batman villain. It’s to your advantage that nobody else does. If you’ve got the time, spraypaint the mask, but either way, use the duct-tape to create an anarchy symbol on the side of your hoodie, put on the mask, pull up the hood, and BAM! You’re an annoying self-righteous teenager!
Can’t find a red hoodie? Look for a camping or hunting store; they probably have them on sale right now.
What You’ll Need: Furry brown vest, tan pants, brown boots, hand wrappings.
Another obscure villain, this time one of Spidey’s, and a good idea if you need something from your closet for Halloween. Yes, he’s a lame-ass, but let’s face it, it’s the last minute. The brown vest is best if furry, but realistically speaking, maybe five people are even going to get who you are. Especially funny if somebody’s going as Spider-Man, and somebody will always be going as Spider-Man.
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What You’ll Need: Denim overalls, a flannel shirt, boots, a sack, twine to secure the sack
The nice thing about this one is that you won’t freeze; the bad thing is that you might have to wear a rice sack. Be sure, before you put it over your head, to cut a slit in the front and in the back to let air flow in, and fit a straw under there. Cutting a mouth hole is also passable. Also, don’t let somebody who thinks strangling jokes are funny tie the twine.
What You’ll Need: A suit, a blank mask, black spray primer.
This one’s about as lazy as it gets and I’ve been guilty of using it for years. Got an OK suit? Wear it. Got a mask? It can be any blank mask, really, it just has to be something you can paint black. If somebody says “Isn’t his mask a skull?”, tell them you’re going as “classic” Black Mask from the ’90s, when he was a creepy badass who carved the mask from the wood of his parents’ coffin instead of just being a goomba who covers his face.