The Aces and Ehs Of GFW Impact 7/20/17: Ain’t No Party Like An X Club Party

Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend.

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Previously: Things got weird with Alberto El Patron. But we’re moving on now.

ACE: Intergalactic, Planetary

“I am Drago. I am from an intergalactic universe. From another world.”

Oh. Okay. I guess we’re just doing the damn thing then.

If you’ve watched Lucha Underground — which I believe is possibly a prerequisite for being a card-carrying With Spandex reader — then you know Drago is actually the coolest wrestler. I’ll even admit it: Of all the Lucha Underground wrestlers I wasn’t familiar with before the show, Drago was always the one that most impressed me. That includes the other Lucha Underground wrestler who gets a focus in the X Division this episode. Everything about his presentation and backstory hooked me, which honestly means a lot when you think about it. Professional wrestling is an artform that requires some form of suspension of disbelief, and Lucha Underground — as well as the Drago character — truly pushes that suspension even more. That Impact is willing to test those waters with such a character is a pretty bold choice, and it presumably means they also see just how cool Drago is.

Yes, Drago getting his otherworldly backstory immediately pretty much guarantees he’ll show up in a Joseph Park joint sooner rather than later, but that’s alright because even with that, he’s still a badass. He’s not just some guy who likes dragons — he is dragon. I know I’m gushing, but I really just love Drago.

As for his Super X Cup match against Sammy Guevara, this is what I’m talking about when I bring up the “show, don’t tell” aspect of the fast-paced X Division. Commentary definitely latched onto the idea of Drago and Sammy’s action being too quick to call, but at the same time, their match actually was at a more blink and you might miss it pace than ACH versus Andrew Everett from last week’s show.

I’ll admit, there are some pacing and chemistry issues, and that brings me to the Sammy Guevara side of things. Before this match, I’d only had the chance to see Sammy Guevara wrestle once before this — in-person, at PWG — and based on both experiences, I’d say his work is (currently) at that “Can Do Cool Moves But What Else?” place. He has his moments of something more, for sure — his “I’m crazy” motion before he flips to the outside, his absolutely perfect death sell of Drago’s finisher, and the fact that his face regularly switches between 50 shades of punchable and 50 shades of twink — but I’ve found him mostly lacking. Especially when you consider just how great a lot of “flippy” guys on the scene right now actually are. But again, I’ve only seen two of his matches, which is why I’m open to any Sammy Guevara matches any of you want to suggest I check out. I already professed my love for Drago, so if you feel the same about Sammy, please let me know.

ACE: Genuine Human Compassion (Week 2)

Impact has apparently been doing this for six years in a row, and this is the first time we’re hearing about it. I know we all joke about WWE’s hypocritical philanthropy, but perhaps the most “LOLTNA” thing of all is that they didn’t think of telling their audience how much good work it did until now. It’s obviously more selfless to just do good in silence, but Impact is a company and a brand, not a person. “Selfless” isn’t a key phrase in that case, now is it?

EH: Read The Damn Room

“Sutter and Allie’ll do anything for a free lunch.”

This is what Josh says in response to Pope talking about the Impact wrestlers who went to Camp Boggy Creek. No. Not the time.

ACE: A Touch Of Class

Sienna versus ‘90s bad girl Amber Nova is of course a squash match, but it’s one that works well to make Nova look as good as she possibly can (despite being a very tiny, unsigned Knockout). Sure, she gets trucked the moment she reverses out of the stalling vertical suplex, but the key is she does reverse out of the stalling vertical suplex. Did she learn that in the garage? Sure! She also learned to wrestle with more fire and less smiling through every move (sorry, Ava Storie) in the garage. That garage is magic, I tell you.

EH: Knockout Knonsense

The post-match shenanigans are the true meat of the segment, with Sienna continuing her anti-authority storyline against Karen Jarrett and cutting a pretty solid promo about how no one cheered for her until she won the title and proved everyone wrong. (This especially works because the Impact Zone crowd is all pinkies up and cheering for Sienna during the squash.) Obviously, Karen Jarrett has to show up after being called out, wearing an ensemble I can 100% guarantee Miss Piggy wore best. The thing about her part of this part of the segment — and the general concept of Karen Jarrett playing a babyface, in general — is that Sienna actually has a point in being upset that Karen Jarrett didn’t even text or tweet about her being the new Unified Knockouts Champion. She and Karen have been antagonistic toward each other from moment one, but with Karen’s role as “Head of the Knockouts” (you know, the dumbest concept Impact continues to have), those personal problems shouldn’t have gotten in the way of professional courtesy. Now, Sienna goes about it in the absolute wrong way, trying to get physical with Karen, but Karen’s really just being immature about this in the first place?

That immaturity continues as Karen attempts to get involved with the Knockouts brawl… by pulling Sienna’s hair. A backstage segment later has Karen defend her decision to make the Last Knockouts Standing title match because Sienna put her hands on her, but the things is, that isn’t even something that happened at the beginning of the segment. Sienna eventually grabs Karen because of the hair-pulling incident, but it is just grabbing, and the cameras almost miss it because of the Gail Kim run-in. So while Impact finally seems to realize Bruce Prichard makes sense as a heel, it sticks to repeating the same mistakes with Karen.

The actual brawl is technically good, especially since it’s of those things the crowd is all in, and I’m also pretty sure Rosemary legit flies when she spears Sienna. The biggest problem with the booking of it, however, is what it means story-wise. I get that you need Gail Kim at the end because the segment is all about rising to her. But Allie coming out with a kendo stick to save a Karen Jarrett who’s in no real mortal danger doesn’t actually make a lot of sense, whereas the vet (Gail Kim) coming out to save the Impact official does. Then you have Gail Kim in peril, babyface Allie (and kendo stick) evening up the damn numbers game, and then former champion Rosemary come to clean house against her champion opponent. Gail Kim is “GAIL KIM,” so she doesn’t need to come out on top as the savior figure, especially as we know this is all building to her in-ring retirement.

Meanwhile, Impact has seemingly lost the plot on Allie versus Laurel Van Ness. It’s a story and match that needs to happen, but the show constantly paints Allie’s problems as being more with Sienna (as the competent one in the Sienna/Laurel duo), and now Laurel is possibly in a love triangle with Grado and Kongo Kong.

ACE: That’s More Like It *clap clap clap clap clap*

What a damn fun match. I’m starting to think Impact can’t go wrong with a match featuring Garza Jr. and Laredo Kid (do they have a tag team name?), and it appears Impact realizes that as well. Also, after a — let’s say — weird debut match from Octagoncito, Impact somewhat course corrects with this match. He’s still featured in a match with his opposing mini, Demus, but it’s not as though they only wrestle each other. Plus, I’m still iffy on if Demus truly counts as a mini-wrestler. He’s just at the cut-off, isn’t he?

Plus, Trevor Lee’s in-ring brilliance is on full display here. Impact has been very slow to truly catch on to how good Trevor is, but this whole stolen championship gimmick is a good way to start rectifying that. He wrestles with the dumb title on, steal Garza’s freeze bit to toss it aside, and then puts it back on during the commercial. That’s the little shit stirrer I know and love. I do feel bad for Idris Abraham though. While he has a funny moment in the Joseph Park/Grado/Laurel Van Ness vignette, this match confirms he’s not exactly the flippy type of X Division guy, and unfortunately for him, Trevor Lee clearly has the strike game on lock. He’s easily the least memorable man in this match; he at least isn’t actively bad, but he’s somewhat invisible. The hair is only a way to get attention, not keep it.

And I’ve been saying it since I started these recaps, but Garza Jr. has “STAR” written all over him. I eagerly await the day Konnan tries to get into his ear. Sorry, Laredo Kid. Trevor may take his bit at the beginning of the match, but that doesn’t make it any less beautiful when he freezes all three of their opponents to remove his pants. Swoon.

ACE: Just The Good Ol’ Boys …

Trevor Lee is such a good piece of crap, especially a delusional one who has a fair point: He never got his rematch for the X-Division Championship, even when there was that time where an eyepatched Sonjay couldn’t challenge for it.

As for the Bruce Prichard aspect of it, that’s more an “ACE?” than “ACE.” At least Impact finally caught on to the fact that everything about Bruce (his podcast shilling, including his Tron video, his removal of the title from Alberto after the initial win, taking Tyrus from Eli Drake and settling us with Chris Adonis) is an unlikable wrestling heel. Bruce’s acceptance of Trevor’s logic is actually a pretty good double take moment for that acknowledgment. It’s crazy we apparently we had to wait until he stopped answering phone calls from his colleagues from them to acknowledge that, but… Like, they all see each other at work. They should just talk to each other there.

ACE: Love You Madly

I’m so happy this week’s Impact makes it clear that, absolutely crazy as she is, Laurel is very much aware of things. She’s in control, even though she’s broken. She’s on a different frequency. And that frequency is apparently very smitten with Grado. Though, let’s dispel with this fiction that Grado is somehow “too good” for Laurel Van Ness. He’s not too good for her. Not even a little. He’s still Grado. That’s actually the weakest part of these vignettes — sure, it’s pretty funny when Grado keeps repeating “citizenship” as his mantra for this — but he’s Grado. A Knockout claimed a ‘90s teen sitcom excuse in order to get out of dating him, and he can only get a woman who’s not all there. And she’s still wittier than him:

“I’ll keep you warm. I’m like a cheap bottle of gin.”

These vignettes are a reminder that Laurel Van Ness is very good, which is a big reason why I hope Impact doesn’t squander the actual Allie/Laurel feud. Come on, the woman confirms that her diet consists of champagne all day, every day. In case you forgot: Laurel’s botched wedding involved her downing champagne in between her sobs for Braxton Sutter. The champagne bottle on the way to the ring is a part of the character that’s sort of disappeared, so it’s great for it come back all of a sudden.

All I want is for this plot to end up with Grado and Laurel getting married, only for him to still be in trouble. Because the woman is a Canadian citizen.

ACE: Take Notes, Kids

This week’s Impact is a very good one for the X-Division, and a match like this one makes for a night and day comparison with the opening Super X Cup match. From moment one, Matt Sydal, Low-Ki, and El Hijo De Fantasma all wrestle like they want to destroy their opponents — that’s how important this match is, even if there aren’t any concrete contendership implications. Sydal made his intentions of greatness known last week, Low-Ki doesn’t see failure as an option (so his reactions when he loses are intense), and El Hijo De Fantasma is the new “kid” on the bloc. Their work looks cool, but there’s more to that. Obviously, Guevara and Drago had more of an intention to impress and introduce themselves to the Impact Zone, but the former never really felt like he got out of that gear, and the latter made clear he wanted to dominate, as well.

And that finish. Timing is everythin in this entire match — especially as all three men really lay into each other — and that finish is 60% timing, at the very least. Then again, I’ve only ever seen Matt Sydal “botch” something once, and the match still ended up getting five stars.

EH: The Rules Are, There Are No Rules

I really want to know what Prichard/Impact’s idea of “waiting your turn” for a title shot entails. Both of these competitors have have viable reasons to be considered number one contenders — Lashley’s title rematch was ruined by the personal matter of LAX/Alberto, while Matt Sydal made his intentions clear and then won the triple threat with supposed contendership implications — which presumably puts them at the head of their respective lines. Prichard refuses to get involved in the “personal” LAX/Alberto matter, so there’s not even a named #1 Contender for the Impact Championship.

How are there even “turns” then? I know people hate the automatic rematch situation in WWE, but so many of Impact’s contendership problems could be solved if they enforced that as well.

ACE: Where The Big Boys Play

  1. Moose has reached a level where he only needs to do one “Moose pump” for the crowd to get into it. Do yourself a favor and go back to watch his entrance if you can. The black guy in the front row reacts to Moose’s banger of a theme the way I always do.
  2. EC3 and Chris Adonis make almost too much sense as a tag team that they fall victim to the usual problem with EC3 and any team-up: EC3’s ego is absolutely too big to have a teammate. He works well with others… until he realizes he’s working with others.
  3. Eddie Edwards knows how to sell a One Percenter. Other wrestlers should take notes from him (and EC3, who is also great at selling his own move). Actually Eddie Edwards, as lost as he appears to be outside of his work with Davey Richards, worked pretty hard to remind us that he’s great at making other look good, whether it’s Moose tossing onto some bodies or just letting Eli Drake lay into him early on in the match.
  4. This match somehow isn’t the main event.

ACE: SAVE_US.LAX

Weeks of the Swole-Mates has led to them finally doing something worthwhile: getting interrupted by LAX. Given what I could decipher from their “promo,” the Swole-Mates manage to bury pro wrestling just before LAX save the day. Great network synergy, guys. “We don’t care about pro wrestling, we’re literally just here for our thing.”

EH: El Patron Doesn’t Watch The Product

This comes more into play with the final segment, but damn, Alberto really doesn’t watch the product or care all that much about his family (at least, not his brother), does he?

We’re shown these scenes in the clubhouse, but according to commentary, LAX had these posted first on ImpactWrestling.com, earlier in the week. So why doesn’t Alberto do anything sooner? Why does Alberto wait until they beat the crap out of his brother — and start unmasking his father — to show up at all? And he’s in his gear, which means he had to have come to the Impact Zone (remember, we pretend these aren’t all filmed in chunks), changed into his gear, and not given a single damn about his family he loves so much. It’s back to that inconsistency of babyface Alberto, which I thought we were getting past.

ACE: “That Means He’s A Punk.”

I’ve watched professional wrestling all my life, and my mother is the reason for that. Yes, my own fandom has long surpassed her, but at the same time… My younger brother is legitimately named after Shawn Michaels. Is it possible Shawn Michaels is my brother’s father? No. However, that’s only because my mother would never shut up about it if he were. Watching wrestling with my mother is always a blessing. But I’ve gotta say, watching the past few weeks of Impact with her has been the greatest joy.

Case in point, hen Alberto is faced with choosing LAX in order to save his family? My gem of a mother calls his decision that of a “punk.” I suppose she has a point, since LAX does untie one of them before letting them go. Meaning there was a slight possibility of them fighting back and evening the odds a bit. Of course, LAX really leans into the whole “We’re murderers who definitely killed Crazzy Steve” part of their mythology, so I can see why Alberto doesn’t tempt fate. But my mother’s a tougher sell, so she sticks with the punk designation.

Now, after Alberto takes LAX down? According to my mother: “He’s a liar, but he’s no punk.” True. And with that, she can cheer him again.

Of course, Alberto’s then a singles wrestler who takes down an entire faction in this segment, but it’s hard to deny how fun it is to watch him do it. One of Impact’s great strengths — which I suppose is a result of its weakness — is that it doesn’t have a John Cena type dominating the entire show. Even Lashley didn’t have that type of vibe when he was winning all the titles. So this kind of beatdown isn’t always expected or something to eyeroll over. Instead, it’s just proof positive that Alberto El Patron ain’t no punk.

Next week’s episode is going to reveal LAX disappeared Alberto’s family, isn’t it?

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