For the past six seasons on Archer, the titular secret agent, Sterling Archer (voiced by H. Jon Benjamin) has always made it clear just how much he thought of himself (the ‘Triple A Power Play,’ anyone?). While Archer definitely showed moments of real skill, there were other times when he simply lucked out, and then others where he out-and-out failed. Still, no matter what situation presented itself, you could count on the fact that Sterling’s ego would be there front and center, just knowing that he was awesome. With the seventh season set to premiere next week, featuring an opening sequence that replicates Magnum P.I. shot-for shot, here are some choice bits of Archer wisdom for all those moments when you think you’re being awesome.
“That is my foot in your face! Smell the embarrassment.”
Let’s be honest, it’s hard not to gloat just a little bit when you do something awesome, but when Archer threatens to kick Kremski’s face off during his interrogation training and then fails, he still tries to save the moment with this little zinger. And, given that it’s interrogation training, he ends up getting electrocuted because of it. The lesson here: if you’re trying to save face in a situation where you’re at a disadvantage, don’t get arrogant — it probably won’t end well for you.
“That was totally ninja!”
Archer may come off looking like a big hero who just saved a whole party full of important, well-dressed people from certain death, but if it weren’t for his massive drunkenness or the fact that the suicide bomber was dressed like a woman, things may have ended very differently. Of course, when you find yourself benefitting from circumstance, a line like this is perfect for when you need to pass something off as your own doing. Although, credit where credit’s due: using a drink tray as a lethal weapon is surprisingly effective.
“Wow, what a p*ssy! I could barely even keep up, he was spilling the beans so fast.”
Again, this is a moment that’s specific to the situation. Sure, Archer has the upper hand in restraining a lowly pharmacist — one who does happen to be on the take — then gets the information he needs by way of a very painful-sounding threat. Really, you shouldn’t get bragging rights when the deck is clearly stacked in your favor. As far as the threat that Archer made, Lana spoke for all of us when she said “Ick.”
“See that? He was putting on his pants, and I stopped him.”
After Malory gives a job to Special Agent Conway Stern as part of the ISIS diversity hiring program, Archer starts to feel more than a little bit threatened. When Stern mocks the the size of Archer’s gun (note: not a euphemism), Archer responds by shooting whatever guy happened to be in the locker room at that moment just to prove his point. If you’re making a move like this, it doesn’t quite warrant any declaration of awesomeness.
“Super glad I didn’t wet my pants.”
Whatever the circumstances, no matter how close you came to avoiding certain death or how great the outcome appears to be afterward, it’s never going to be okay to brag about something like this. Besides, it’s always assumed that we’re all super glad to not piss our pants on the daily.
“We’re the outsiders, the scrappy underdogs! We’re Delta House, the Dirty Dozen, the Rebel Alliance, the Commitments! We’re the Bad News Freakin’ Bears, and our Lupus is an openly gay cyborg dying of sepsis in a wheelbarrow!”
After their disastrous Fantastic Voyage-style mission into the body of Dr. Kovak, Archer tries to give a rallying cry to his teammates, who’ve since been left stranded on the side of the road in the middle of the New Mexico desert. As he rattles off some of the most inspiring, come-from-behind characters in pop culture history, it seems like he’s unable to convince anyone that things will be okay. Still, that doesn’t stop Archer from doing his best, even up until the episode’s cliffhanger ending. His determination should serve as an inspiration to everyone who, deep inside, knows that they’re awesome.
“You better call Kenny Loggins, because you’re in the Danger Zone! From Top Gun.”
Aside from being one of the show’s all-time great running jokes, this really summarizes every self-aggrandizing thought Archer has about himself. If you’ve got to make only one declaration that states your awesomeness to everyone in the room, let them know that they’re headed straight to the danger zone.