The NFL on Tuesday released its “Color Rush” jerseys, which feature bold colors designed to pop on the screen as you enjoy the league’s Thursday night tilts through a new and exciting prism!
OK, so these are new jerseys are solely designed to make money and give you incentive to watch that dumb Thursday game you don’t really care about unless you have fantasy players in it or money on it.
It’s all about perspective.
No matter how you look at these uniforms, it’s fair to say most of them are bad. That is why I, a fashion maven who has purchased approximately 40 percent of his clothing including three pairs of cargo shorts from Old Navy, is ranking all 32 uniforms. Six teams — Houston, Cleveland, Oakland, San Francisco, Los Angeles and the New York Jets — won’t wear their special dark jerseys because their opponent is already wearing theirs and it would be bad for TV. It seems like Nike and the NFL could have coordinated this better, but what do I know? I shop at Old Navy.
Enjoy the salt from the Texans PR staff:
Another side note: Teams that have color rush jerseys won’t wear them when playing on Thanksgiving, because the NFL doesn’t want to disrespect the memory of the blandly dressed Pilgrims.
At least, that could be the reason. Reason and logic don’t exist in large doses around the NFL, so you won’t be seeing Washington, Dallas, Detroit, Minnesota, Pittsburgh or Indianapolis this season, which is a shame or blessing depending on the uniform.
There won’t be tons of commentary on this list, since you’re just going to get mad that your team is too low and that other team is too high.
32. New England Patriots
Nothing says “color rush” like a swath of dark blue. Feel the rush!
31. Washington Redskins
When you can’t decide on mustard or urine, you choose this.
30. Dallas Cowboys
Cool practice jerseys.
29. Jacksonville Jaguars
It’s poop. These are poop-colored jerseys. Even the Browns think these look like poop.
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The team that had a ladies educational football program should take time to explain these to the entire fan base.
27. Houston Texans
These aren’t great, but they’re better than what the Patriots have. You could say the Patriots are cheating Texans fans out of seeing a superior jersey when these teams meet.
26. Seattle Seahawks
It’s like Oregon’s uniforms got sick or something. An alien landed in Oregon and got sick in Seattle.
25. Atlanta Falcons
Odd how one team can go all-red and look bad while another team later on this list can go all-red and look great.
24. Cincinnati Bengals
When these jerseys are on your TV, I guarantee your first thought will be, “Is this a Conference USA football game?”
23. Green Bay Packers
Don’t they wear these already? Minus points for being so boring.
22. Philadelphia Eagles
Is “Color Rush” from the Latin words meaning “stuff you’ve already seen” in the past? The most unrealistic part of this picture is Jordan Matthews not dropping the ball.
21. San Francisco 49ers
The 49ers and Eagles are first cousins of bad color rush jerseys.
20. Arizona Cardinals
19. Indianapolis Colts
18. Kansas City Chiefs
What’s with these teams that just added fancy trails to their already boring colors and just matched the shirt and pants? At least the Jaguars tried something new.
17. Chicago Bears
16. Baltimore Ravens
Add more purple steam so no one will see these are dull.
15. Carolina Panthers
Perfectly fine. Not bold, not boring. The ideal outcome.
14. Tennessee Titans
Can’t really separate Tennessee and Carolina on the list, can we?
13. New York Jets
Green. Very green. Super green.
12. San Diego Chargers
The one team in the league that should be wearing powder blues are not.
11. Cleveland Browns
Maybe it’s just how they look in comparison to their regular uniforms, but these are bland yet should be liked by a mass audience. These are the carpool karaoke of uniforms.
10. Detroit Lions
Uninspired, yet somehow fun. Like a Hangover sequel.
9. Miami Dolphins
Good, but sadly not the best orange jerseys unveiled today.
8. St. Louis Rams
Why are the Rams in all yellow ranked so much higher than Washington in all yellow? For me, a fashion expert, to explain the nuance of these uniforms to you, a fashion noob, would take hours. Trust me.
7. New Orleans Saints
These are so ugly they cross into “these are what a team from space would wear” territory, and that’s cool.
6. Minnesota Vikings
As someone that misses the Los Angeles Kings purple jerseys, these speak to the joy in my heart. Let the Vikings wear these on Thanksgiving, NFL.
5. Oakland Raiders
Shiny and delightful, just like my personality.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers
If you have a mostly black uniform, you need a tiny bit of a bright color to make it work. This works.
3. Denver Broncos
Bring back the old-time orange full time. We don’t talk enough about how the current Broncos uniforms are bad.
2. Buffalo Bills
Red is great. It symbolizes heart and also the blood that has poured out of Bills fans eyes as they’ve watched this team for like two decades.
1 New York Giants
Classic. Gorgeous. Winners. Just like the Giants.