3 Horrifically Wrong Quotes About Superheroes From Writer David Goyer

Unearthed by the keen ears over at 'The Mary Sue,' David Goyer has some serious explaining to do. The man tasked with writing Wonder Woman's live action cinematic debut – a concept that is still blowing my mind that it took until 2014 to happen – has some dubious opinions on female superheroes, second-string heroes, and what kind of people make up the core audience of comic books.

In one short podcast he manages to word vomit sexist misinformation and insults at such a high rate I have to wonder if it was on a dare. Somewhere a Warner Bros. and a DC publicist are crying into a bottle of wine. Godspeed spinning these choice quotes.

#1 – She-Hulk was created as a sexy sex object for Hulk to sex up.

The quote:  “[…]the Hulk was this classic male power fantasy. It”s like, most of the people reading comic books were these people like me who were just these little kids getting the shit kicked out of them every day… And so then they created She-Huk, right? Who was still smart… I think She-Hulk is the chick that you could fuck if you were Hulk, you know what I”m saying? … She-Hulk was the extension of the male power fantasy. So it”s like if I”m going to be this geek who becomes the Hulk then let”s create a giant green porn star that only the Hulk could fuck.”

Dude no.

She-Hulk was created by Stan Lee and John Buscema in 1980. She is a lawyer. She is widely considered one of the least sexualized of Frank Springer's women. SHE IS HULK'S COUSIN.

Unless this is some offensive redneck stereotype, there is literally no conceivable way Hulk is looking at Jennifer Walters and thinking, “I want to bang her.” If anything he looks at his cousin and is crushed under an angst level usually reserved for scene kids that he inflicted this condition on her during an emergency blood transfusion and proud of her for stepping up, embracing her condition, and becoming a bad ass lawyer to superheroes.

So ew no, she wasn't written as a love interest for Bruce Banner, who is perfectly capable of reaching climax with human women without Hulking out and ripping them in half. She is not an 'extension of the male power fantasy.' If she's an extension of anything it's a power play cash grab since Lee and Marvel feared TV executives would introduce a female version of The Hulk onto their hit show and Marvel wouldn't have the rights. 

#2 – If you've heard of Martian Manhunter, you're a virgin loser.

The quote: “How many people in the audience have heard of Martian Manhunter?” Cheers and applause. “How many people that raised their hands have ever been laid?”

Dude. No.

What blood sacrifice to Our Dark Lord Satan did you have to make to convince Hollywood executives you were the man to write the lead-up films to the Justice League movie? Because Martian Manhunter is one of the CORE MEMBERS of the League and has existed for sixty-one years.

J'onn J'onzz was a key player in the Justice League cartoons that acted as a gateway drug to comic books for children of the 90s and beyond. Of course people know who is he! To fall back on the 'comic book minutia is only important to neck beard basement nerd virgins' shows both a lack of understanding of the medium you are gatekeeping and basic humanity. The status of your bedpost notches doesn't hinder or help your hobby unless your hobby is orgies. 

#3 – Martian Manhunter's origin is stupid. Let's rewrite it and make him hatebang She-Hulk.

The quote: “He can”t be fucking called the Martian Manhunter because that”s goofy. He can be called Manhunter[…] I would set it up like 'The Day After Tomorrow.' We discover one of those Earth-like planets… So maybe like… we get the DNA code from that planet and then grow him in a petri dish here… He”s like in Area 51 or something and we”re just basically… doing biopsies on him. Then he gets out and he”s really angry and he fucks She-Hulk.”

Dude. NO.

Where do I even begin to unpack this? So you're saying a Martian manhunter is absurd but growing an alien in a secret lab is gritty and real? That in order to be compelling J'onn J'onzz must be stripped of his tragic backstory as the only remaining member of his race? That we should throw out his emotional pain at losing his wife and daughter in an event that happened centuries ago but is still raw and recent to him since he was in stasis?

Yeah, you're right. That's totally goofy and should be replaced with a cookie cutter 'hubris of man pretending to be god' plot and toss a dollop of sexplotation of She-Hulk in there, because ladies are just blow-up dolls and hey, they're both green! Who cares if they're from totally different companies and this reads like terrible fan fiction, right?! Excuse me while I pick up my eyes, they rolled so hard they popped out of my head.

You can read more about this train wreck at The Mary Sue or go straight to the podcast source. Warning: Side effects may include nausea, headache, blinding rage, and loss of faith in humanity.