6 amazing theories on the Jonas Brothers breakup: Is Danielle the new Yoko?

Was it jealousy? Drugs? Or simply a shift in priorities? Why, oh why, did The Jonas Brothers break up? We might never know the answer for sure, but here are 6 theories about the bros’ split.

1. Danielle Jonas is the new Yoko

Theory: The gulf between the Beatles and the Jonas Brothers may be unbelievably wide (one group was the Voice of a Generation, the other was the Hair of 2008), and yet some fans are postulating that Danielle “Walking Spray-Tan” Jonas – the wife of oldest, least-adorable brother Kevin – may have been a major factor in the group’s breakup. According to a report on the always-venerable Hollyscoop.com, the real reason for the brothers’ split was Kevin’s insistence on bringing Danielle on their forthcoming tour despite both of his younger siblings’ strong dislike for the conniving bride, who looks vaguely like a rejected Kardashian sister.

Likelihood (1-10): 5. As much as we want to believe this rumor, it’s probably just blatant sexism at work. Also, can we all just agree that there can be only one Yoko?

2. Nick’s raging ego got in the way

Theory: Yearning to be the next Justin Timberlake, Nick sabotaged the group’s “comeback” by exhibiting diva behavior, including a demand that he be paid more money than his older bros on their upcoming tour.

Likelihood (1-10): 7. It’s hard to imagine such ugly behavior coming from a baby-faced cutie like Nick Jonas, but then again we’ve all seen “All About Eve.” Not to mention that Nick said he felt “trapped” in a post-breakup statement, which was likely just a nicer way of saying “I want off this sinking ship NOW.”

3. They’re doing it to drum up publicity/demand and will reschedule the tour

Theory: Might the Jonas Brothers breakup simply be an extreme publicity stunt to shove the boys back into the spotlight? At which point they’ll reemerge stronger than ever? What demonic trickery is this?

Likelihood (1-10): 3. Who knows what the future holds for the Brothers Jonas and their eventual reconciliation, but the idea that the split is an intentional ploy seems a bit farfetched.

4. Kevin wants to focus on being a family man with his pregnant wife

Theory: Kevin Jonas is expecting a child with his wife Danielle next year, and some people are saying that Kevin’s focus has shifted from his career to his family.

Likelihood (1-10):  5. It is no doubt true that Kevin is focused on his wife and unborn child, but the fact that he would totally shutter his music career to spend every waking second with them seems a bit extreme.

5. Joe Jonas is addicted to drugs

Theory: The rumor that Joe Jonas is struggling with addiction has actually been circling for months. Last March, news of the existence of a sex tape made by Joe and his his girlfriend broke, and the video reportedly contained some pretty heavy drug use. Additionally, Joe has been photographed with an addiction specialist named Mike Bayer, who helped Demi Lovato out of her own druggy descent a few years back. Evidently, Mike has been shadowing Joe as some sort of sober companion.

Likelihood (1-10): 8. While salacious stories about celebrity drug use are disproved all the time, this one seems to have some weight behind it. Aw, get well soon, the cute one.

6. They couldn’t sell tickets

Theory: Following lackluster sales of their last proper studio album “Lines, Vines & Trying Times” and a prolonged hiatus to focus on various failed solo projects, the brothers just couldn’t win back enough fans to support their ill-fated “comeback” tour and soon found themselves faced with the prospect of giant tumbleweeds blowing through empty concert venues.

Likelihood (1-10): 10. Who are we kidding, you guys.

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