8 reasons ‘Chinese Food’ by Alison Gold is not the worst song of all time

Ark Music Factory has done it again! The for-hire production company behind Rebecca Black’s impossible song “Friday” is back with another dubious hit, this time starring a tiny tween with very shiny hair named Alison Gold. The song was released yesterday and garnered more than a million views in its first 24 hours. And what’s more, voices around the Internet are saying that it just may be the worst song of all time.

But I disagree. “Chinese Food” is not the worst song of all time, and here are 8 reasons why.

1. Because it contains the lyrics, “After balling, I go clubbing/Then I”m hugging/Then I”m hungry.” Do you hate balling? Do you hate HUGGING? Certainly you can’t hate clubbing —  which in the context of a prepubescent girl must refer to reading Ann M. Martin books.

2. Because Chinese food is delicious and deserves to be sung about more often. When’s the last time Mumford released a ditty about fried won tons? Where’s Radiohead’s single celebrating MSG?

3. Because of the friendly panda we meet halfway through the video!

4. Because the friendly panda turns out to be a Patrice Wilson, a grown adult and the song’s producer. What a fun and entirely uncreepy twist.

5. Because it isn’t even catchy enough to get stuck in your head.

6. Because a whole cabal of teenage girls dress up as geishas, which is a very nice way for them to pay tribute to the Chinese cultural experience.

7. Because Alison’s hair is soooooo shiny.

8. Because the worst song in the world is “Margaritaville,” and that will never, ever change.

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