Remember when Jennifer Lopez was a big movie star? It's been a long time. But hey, she's still making films! As proof, we now have the trailer for “The Boy Next Door” (see above), a very serious and important drama about the perils of having sex with high school students.
So how does it look? In the traditional sense: terrible. In the “Obsessed” sense: terribly entertaining! Let's all get drunk and watch this. But before we do, here are nine observations about the first ridiculous trailer.
1. The movie takes place in a world where J. Lo could conceivably be married to John Corbett.
2. Kristin Chenoweth's haircut is totally going to nail this best-friend role.
3. To reassure us that there's going to be sexy stuff happening later on, the trailer opens with an extra-breathy track off Britney Spears' lost instrumental art-pop album.
4. As is typical of real-life stalking situations, GIANT TRUCK EXPLOSION.
5. The part where Ryan threatens his obsession by papering her house with rejected J. Lo album covers.
6. Ryan Guzman's groan-inducing double entendres were clearly written by actual high school students – a.k.a. people who are ten years younger than Ryan Guzman.
7. J. Lo's deer in the headlights look here could also read as visible distress over the state of her acting career.
8. This fabulous office is just like the office of NO HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER EVER IN THE HISTORY OF TEACHING HIGH SCHOOL.
9. “Stay away from me!” “I can't do that, Claire – I live NEXT DOOR.” Cue title card!
“The Boy Next Door” hits theaters on January 23, 2015.