'The Amazing Spider-Man' swung into theaters over the weekend and sauntered away with a witty quip and a hefty $92 million domestic box office. But despite all monetary evidence to the contrary, this movie seemed to be actively trying to make viewer hates it. A bold and controversial stance to take with a summer blockbuster but clearly one paying in dividends for Sony. But the plan to make me rail against this sequel failed. Despite a bloated story with at least three too many subplots that needed pruning, despite not passing the Bechdel Test or casting more than one non-white actor in a speaking role, I didn't hate this movie. I just have a lot of questions…
WARNING: MAJOR PLOT SPOILERS FOR 'THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2' BEYOND THIS POINT.
1. How is Spider-Man's super genius dad this much of an idiot?
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When we first meet Peter Parker's dad, he is in the process of shutting down his OSCORP project and fleeing the scene. Clearly realizing his life is in danger, he makes the last logical decision of his life and drops his son off into the safety of Ben and May Parker's brownstone. Then the brain damage brought on by a small aneurysm sets in. Because that is the only logical reason you would disarm a man trying to murder you on a private jet (???) and not immediately SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD. And both Richard and Mary seem blind-sided by the fact chartering a personal pan plane with no other passengers/witnesses that could be easily disposed of is a stupid, stupid idea.
2. Why didn't anyone tell me drowning in a bath of electric eels grants super powers?
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I mean, that's what happened to Electro. There was no weird chemical in the pipelines or freak gamma radiation emanating from the water. Just Electro, some genetically modified eels, and a leftover bacta tank from 'The Empire Strikes Back.' Do you think everyone bitten by OSCORP genetically altered animals gets superpowers? Because a sample study of two shows 100% of the time, yes…yes they do. Wait, don't tell me. Electro's dad was the modified eel specialist and used his own blood while creating the biological power supplies.
3. Can Electro breathe underwater?
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He's being held in a tank of water to suspend his powers but nobody ever said that was like the oxygen water in 'The Abyss' so either Electro is slowly drowning or he can breathe underwater or he doesn't need to breathe anymore and this seems like a fairly important distinction to the prisoner's mental health. Maybe if he wasn't so oxygen deprived, he wouldn't be having episodes of dub step schizophrenia.
4. Where the hell did Electro's costume come from?
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So OSCORP special projects was really a front to create super villain toys because someone in R&D knew they'd need an unending parade of villains to keep this franchise moving. Bless you fourth-wall breaking OSCORP cog, wherever you are. So sure they could have up with a rubberized suit that can dissipate into pure energy with the user and reform around the wearer so as to avoid an unfortunate Doctor Manhattan wardrobe malfunction. But Harry and Electro hadn't gotten into the special projects room yet so where the blue hell did he get that glorified scuba suit?
5. Why is Harry's disease killing him faster than it did his dad?
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So the Osborn line has a secret genetic disorder that turns its descendants into talon-fingered green slime monsters with bad teeth. This is what happens when WASP inbreeding goes unchecked. How and why Norman Osborn was able to keep this killer family secret from Harry aside, it took literally decades for the elder Osborn to deteriorate into a budget Jeff Goldblum from 'The Fly.' So why is Harry turning into a pus-covered monster at an exponential rate? He's got all his father's research to stall the progression literally at his fingertips.
6. Who thought hiding the OSCORP lab in an underground subway car was a good idea?
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At some point, a team of people were assembled to convert a rickety set of subway cars into a genetic research lab. But after setting up the mechanism to hide the lab underneath the station of an abandoned D-Train spur that no one would ever discover anyway, they got super bored. So they just tossed a few beakers, a centrifuge, and some glass-door mini fridges onto some IKEA bench tables and called it a day. After all, delicate biological experiments won't be affected by jerky daily movements from an unnecessarily complex coin-based hiding mechanism right?
7. Why didn't Gwen Stacy punch Harry Osborn in his stupid zero-to-murderer in sixty seconds face?
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We all knew it was coming eventually. Gwen had to step aside and sadly pave the way for Mary Jane…or Black Cat. But for a woman who has consistently shown tenacity in the way of overwhelming super villain danger, she wouldn't have gone out like that. This is the same scientific genius who created a cure for lizard transformation disease while simultaneously fending off said lizard with a blowtorch. The spitfire who literally just hit Electro with a car and then chewed out her superhero boyfriend for being a sexist jerk. Everything leading up to this moment said Gwen Stacy would not quietly wait to be bartered over by the two male leads. Nay, she'd have gouged Harry Osborn right in his rheumy eyes.
8. Do Gwen Stacy's brothers become super villains?
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Or at least anti-heroes. Surely holding Spider-Man responsible for the death of both their father and their sister would leave some indelible mark on them? Perhaps enough to suit up for Harry's super villain dodgeball team?
9. What exactly is the tactical advantage of dressing like a mecha-rhino?
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OSCORP sank a lot of money into that prototype. But the question is why? What possible real world application could this have? At least the Doctor Octopus arms and the Vulture wings seem viable for both military and civilian markets. But how are you going to sell an army of 'rhino mechs' to any self-respecting guerrilla army or arms dealer? It's like they weren't even thinking of the profit margins. What kind of corporation is this?
10. Why is the ghost of Denis Leary following Peter around?
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I mean I know 'Rescue Me' ended in 2011, but exactly how bored is he?