Billboard proclaims: Loser of U.S.-Canada Olympic hockey match has to keep Justin Bieber

Let’s face it: almost nobody but the Beliebers wants Justin Bieber in their country anymore, and even the Beliebers are starting to wonder. And who can blame all of us, collectively? From racing down quiet residential streets in a leopard-print Lamborghini (!) to egging his neighbor’s home because he’s hard to unapologetically peeing in some poor janitor’s mop bucket in the back of a restaurant, Justin Bieber is all but insufferable at this point, and something needs to be done.

But what, planet Earth? What. Do. We. Do. We can’t send him to Mars, because that would be cruel and also we don’t actually have the capability to do that yet. And we also can’t lock him up him to prison until he actually does something that warrants sending him to prison, which, you know, give that one time. But in the interim, we are stuck with him, which leaves us with no other choice but to play a fun little game called “Which Country Has to Keep Justin Bieber?” Round 1: Saturday’s hockey match between the U.S. and Canada at the Sochi Olympics, for which the stakes have just been ratcheted up like ten thousand million billion percent thanks to one ingenious Chicago billboard:

So you see, U.S. men’s hockey team? We have to win this one. Like, we have to. Though honestly I think it’s a little unfair that we have to compete for the right to not keep Justin Bieber in America, since Canada technically started the whole thing.

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