How did Kiefer Sutherland end up shirtless at a bar in Canada?

TV’s Jack Bauer, aka real life’s Kiefer Sutherland, was recently photographed shirtless and seemingly intoxicated inside a Canadian pub. Here’s the full story of how he got there.

9:00 p.m. – 10 p.m.: Kiefer Sutherland wraps shooting on the movie “Redemption” for the day and heads back to his Calgary hotel. He deadbolts the door behind him. He runs cool water over his face. He considers changing from one white t-shirt into another white t-shirt, but he does not.

10:00 p.m. – 11:00 p.m.: Kiefer receives a mysterious phone call telling him he must head down to the Bear and Kilt pub immediately. The unidentified person on the other line “doesn’t have time to explain” exactly what the situation is, but Someone Very Important is in danger. Without even deliberating, Kiefer holds his flip phone up to his mouth and whispers, “I’ll be right there.”

He remembers to grab a hoodie on his way out.

11:00 p.m. – 12:00 a.m.: Kiefer reaches the Bear and Kilt and finds two female intelligence agents waiting for him outside. The women insist on taking a group photo using Kiefer’s phone. At first, Kiefer resists, but one of the agents whisper-explains that doing this will allow the women to transfer vital information about the Potential Attack on Someone Very Important onto Kiefer’s cellphone through cool new technology and science, and I don’t know, pay me a fancy consultant rate if you want to understand the details.

12:00 a.m. – 1:00 a.m.: Kiefer enters the bar and plays it cool. He removes his hoodie and looks around casually. He order a drink and checks his phone, which has downloaded the encrypted information from the agents. It says that **************************. (The rest of that sentence is behind a consultant-fee paywall. Contact me for details.)

A young Canadian woman approaches Kiefer and announces that it’s aboot time for another round. She signals to the bartender and a fresh drink appears in front of Kiefer. Thinking the drink might have been poisoned, Kiefer does the unexpected and sucks it down in one gulp. Whoa. He grimaces, and for a moment it looks like the poison might have gotten him, but then he opens his contorted mouth and begins doing Rush karaoke, which you might not think would be awesome, but believe me, it totally is.

Kiefer is a little bit drunk.

1:00 a.m. – 2:00 a.m: Kiefer’s “Tom Sawyer” rendition is received with claps and hoots and hollers. The position Kiefer is performing from allows him to see the entire bar. In the corner, he spots Someone Very Important sipping a margarita, of all things. Someone Very Important is wearing a red shirt, making him very visible to a potential assassin.

Kiefer whispers into his phone that he needs to get Someone Very Important some more clandestine garb. Nothing happens because Kiefer has not dialed a number.

2:00 a.m. – 3:00 a.m.: Kiefer takes matters into his own hands. He removes his own white t-shirt, slips it to Someone Very Important, and whispers, “You’ve got to get out of here right now because ****************.” (Paywall.)

Someone Very Important leaves the bar. Kiefer chooses not to put his hoodie on.

3:00 a.m. – 4:00 a.m.: Everyone totally continues to take Kiefer very seriously even though he’s drunk, shirtless, and his name is “Kiefer.”